Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it’s hard to have lots of friends as an adult?

59 replies

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 12/11/2017 12:10

I’m an adult woman in my mid-late 20s, settled with my partner, working full time, spending our time off together... enjoying our little bubble really. But it has occurred to me that I don’t really have a lot of friends? I have a two or three friends who I text occasionally, and probably have coffee or a meal with someone once a month, possibly slightly more. Is this abnormal? Don’t get me wrong: I get on with people at work, I have acquaintances at the gym and other hobbies, and I see family regularly. I just don’t really know how other people have time to have a massive social life? Maybe it’s because I prioritise my hobbies and getting enough sleep? I’m perfectly happy, I’m just wondering if this is normal?

OP posts:
ludothedog · 12/11/2017 14:27

... oh god yes, the money. We're skint just now. There's been a few emergencies that have had to be paid for which means that funds are limited just now.

It's expensive to have friends. Even inviting friends round costs money or going to other's homes. There have been times when I haven't had enough money to buy a packet of biscuits and so I've had to cancel going round.

If there is only enough money for one trip out a month then I will choose to spend it on doing something with DD rather than going out for adult time. Unfortunately I've had friends who don't understand that and we've drifted apart because of it.

Fundamentally though I think it is an introverted/extroverted thing.

SirWibbles209 · 12/11/2017 14:38

It's harder as you get older. I have 4/5 close friends I speak to and see at least twice a week, and quite a few more acquaintances I would meet once a month or so for drinks/nights out. I have been with my partner 7 years though and am 23, so although we live together we are quite independent.

SirWibbles209 · 12/11/2017 14:42

Ttbb that's pretty presumptuous and rude. Just because you don't enjoy something doesn't mean it's horrible 😂. What's so offensive about barbecues anyway? And just because someone works 9-5 it means it's a dead end job... Hmm everyone is different but i do agree it gets harder to do as you get older and have kids etc,

Sienna333 · 12/11/2017 14:56

TTbb, Your post is judgemental and rude.

To answer the question, I have very few friends. I know someone who has tons though and very close to them all. I am jealous of that.

grumpysquash3 · 12/11/2017 15:01

IME it's easy to have lots of acquaintances as an adult, but hard to have lots of real friends. Most of mine are old friends from years ago, whereas most that I've met in the last 15 years are acquaintances (especially when meeting them through DC, even though some are very nice)

pinkhousesarebest · 12/11/2017 15:11

That's us! I am an introvert but work very hard to not let people see it ( conditionned) but when they want to take acquaintanceships into friendships I back off. I too have old Uni friends but have made few real friendships on the last 20 years. So busy with work and family and I need so much time to recuperate from work. My idea of hell os a social engagement😳

MissSingerbrains · 12/11/2017 15:11

It sounds normal to me. Mid and late 20s is when people move around a lot for work so old childhood / school/ uni friends end up all over the world.

I made friends post DC from baby groups, nursery and school, and they’re the people I socialise with the most now, but make an effort to keep in touch with old friends too.

littlebird7 · 12/11/2017 15:19

I wanted more friends when we moved to a new area (I can't remember why) I have some amazing friends but I was exhausted. To be a proper friend it requires serious and constant commitment and I just don't have the time or the energy with a job and dc. As a result I regularly felt burnt out and drained. I was happier before with a handful of friends and time to relax is the honest answer.
I have cut back drastically on our social commitments and already feel much better. I feel like I am getting my life back. I only go to the things that won't drain me, and have scaled back what I can do.
My marriage is better for it, and quality evenings occasionally are better than burnout. I am a better mother too with far more patience.
For me a handful of friends works better than the alternative but if I was single I am sure I would want a bigger network.

JustHope · 12/11/2017 15:27

I had lots of friends and had a busy social life pre DC. After DD1 I worked very had at the ‘my life is not going to change’ thing but after DD2 came along and I went back to work I no longer have the time or energy to devote to my social life. I also found some friendships became dull post DC. I would meet friends for dinner and the conversations became competitive about home improvements, foreign holidays and who’s DCs were the most amazing. Previously we all got drunk and had a good laugh. I found these gatherings more and more draining and superficial so I let things fizzle out. I feel a bit sad about this but with limited free time I would rather spend time with my DH or family.

DN4GeekinDerby · 12/11/2017 16:46

With the stats of how many describe themselves as having no close friends or lonely that pop up in the news from time to time, I don't think it's uncommon. I think it is far easier for women to end up isolated in a bubble like that, particularly after moving or serious illness or having kids or any significant life change, than many would think. It can be difficult to make and maintained friendships and the stigma - like thinking being in such a bubble is purely about being self absorbed - only makes it harder alongside struggling with energy or childcare.

fiorentina · 12/11/2017 17:18

I have several groups of friends I have had for a long time from school, university and from more recently. I value friends a lot and do make lots of effort to keep up with friends even though life is busy with work and family. They helped me through tricky times and we've had so many good times. I'd fee very lonely without them!

Turquoisetamborine · 12/11/2017 17:49

I lived abroad as a teenager and returned at 16 without my parents (lived with my stepdad). I had kept in touch with one friend from my former primary school and all my secondary friends were still living abroad or elsewhere. So as I was lonely I fell into an abusive relationship. I stayed with him as I didn’t really have much else other than work in my life.
When I was 18 I got together the courage to leave him and decided from then onwards that friends would be a priority in my life.
I’m 38 now and have dozens of friends from over the years.
I still have my one friend from primary school, I made and have kept in touch with over 20 friends I made when my eldest was born (nearly ten) and again when my youngest was born. I’ve moved workplaces quite a few times and have good friends from most old jobs. My cousins are also my best friends.

The difference is I make my friends important. I have a husband and kids but my friends still know they can rely on me and I will text them and meet up regularly. If weekends are busy then I meet people for a meal after work or invite them over for a meal.

My husband is great but I love my time with my friends and would never be without them.

VioletCharlotte · 12/11/2017 17:57

I think this sounds fine. You're happy and you've got a few close friends who you could turn to, that's what matters. It would worry me if you said you didn't have any friends apart from your partner.

SavageBeauty73 · 12/11/2017 18:01

My friends are my life. I'm very lucky that I have a very close group of friends. I was grateful when I became a single mum that I had always worked hard at my friendships.

Nancy91 · 12/11/2017 18:43

You can never have too many real friends! I'd worry about becoming isolated in the event of a break up.

Albertschair · 12/11/2017 22:13

I have 4 very good friends. I see them once a month or so.

I have two good friends. I see them every couple of months.

I'm making a new friend that I'm seeing every couple of months.

I touch base with texts/whatsaps.

Who has energy to see friends a few times a week? I work 60 hour week. I have a toddler.

BackforGood · 12/11/2017 22:16

It's expensive to have friends

No it's not. Doesn't cost anything to have friends. Indeed, when friends help each other out, it can actually save you money.

Wow Ttbb what an odd thing to say Hmm

lalliella · 12/11/2017 22:18

If you and DP are happy and feel you have enough people in your lives then that is all that matters. It’s not about numbers. You’ll probably find as you get older you’ll naturally make more connections, especially if you have DC. You sound very well-adjusted and secure in yourself to me, so I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about.

Mittens1969 · 12/11/2017 22:29

I have a lot of friends but there are a lot that I hardly get any chance to visit! That’s where Facebook comes into its own.

But it’s nice to have a few friends locally who I can get to see and meet up with. My closest friend at the moment is the lady I work with, we meet up for a drink when we can, and she’s godmum to one of my DDs. Smile

itsbetterthanabox · 12/11/2017 22:32

You say you prioritise your hobbies? What are those? Do you see people when you do them? How much of the time.
I see a friend prob 3 nights of the week.

Original poster
Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 13/11/2017 12:03

betterthan That sounds absolutely draining/exhausting to me! I get up at 5 most mornings (for work, but usually by 7 on my days off) so I definitely couldn’t do evening activities that regularly.

I do triathlons and marathons so train at least an hour on work days and two hours on my days off. I see acquaintances at the gym and go on some group cycles but a lot of my training is alone. I’m friendly with lots of people from the tri club and others at the gym but their training sessions don’t fit with my work schedule so I don’t specifically train with anyone most of the time. I do plan on joining a local running club when we move house though. I’m not a hermit by any stretch of the imagination, I would just rather get my training in and get an early night then go to the pub!

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 13/11/2017 12:20

To be fair BackforGood, having friends is definitely expensive for me.

I have about twenty friends split over four main groups because I've moved around a lot, and have been to hen parties and weddings for over half of them, and we're mostly all over the country, so visiting means money spent one way or another.

Compared with my fiance, who has moved back where he grew up, and hasn't formed friend groups at uni, and I spend at a guess a minimum of £100/month simply on traveling around to see friends.

Sure, I could say 'that's enough' for the ones who don't live locally, but that doesn't strike me as, well, friendly.

BasinHaircut · 13/11/2017 12:43

Something no one has really mentioned yet on this thread is ‘couple friends’ or ‘family friends’.

There have been a couple of references to people not having time for friends because they have a DH and children but why can’t you have both?

We have a nice group where all the couples and their children socialise all together. It’s great, my DH’s friends’ wives have become my friends and my friends’ DH’s have become my DH’s friends. All the kids get on well and are more like cousins really.

ConkerGame · 13/11/2017 13:08

I don't think there is a "normal" - it's just whatever works best for you.

I'm 30 and have lots of friends, but that's because I'm a very sociable person and would get very bored/lonely spending lots of time on my own or just seeing the same 2-3 people over and over again. But equally many people are more introverted and love having alone time or time just with their partner - my mum is like that and very happy with only a few friends.

It's only a problem if you want more friends than you have, in which case I would say join some clubs relating to your hobbies to find like-minded people.

QuizzlyBear · 13/11/2017 14:31

I’m just the same and since I’ve just hit 40, I can’t see me changing now!

I have two very close friends and two further friends who I will meet up with occasionally for lunch / drinks etc. That’s plenty for me!

I am a social introvert- love being part of small groups from time to time but not often or with many people. I think I’m just discerning...