DD has not settled into secondary school

[winterstail]

I feel the happy, outgoing and loving little girl from just last summer has vanished.

DD has always been fantastic. Keen, polite and affectionate. She was so excited to go up to secondary but it has all gone wrong.

For one thing, DD has struggled with homework and recording it. The teachers mostly give out worksheets and DD lost a couple and got an after school detention for one hour. I've no issue with the detention but the problem is the after school detention seems to serve all 'crimes' - homework and fighting and smoking and swearing and refusing to hand a phone overeviews. So DD was in after school detention with older kids who intimidated her and frightened her. This made her cry in the detention and the teacher told her that it should be a lesson to her. The other kids then followed her home chanting abuse. I complained about this to the school which made them make concerned noises but they were very keen to talk about what led DD to get a detention, not an eleven year old being frightened by 14/15 year olds.

Anyway, as she has now had 3 after school detentions she had to spend a day in isolation which really upset her and also means she can't go on the pantomime trip.

DD feels the teachers think she is a 'naughty' student, she is often singled out in assembly which humiliated her.

She has been self harming, and tried to throw herself down the stairs last night to break her leg so she wouldn't have to go in Monday.

What can I Do? I can't send her back can I?

It’s good you are listening and supporting your DD. School sounds too harsh to me. As you said, forgetting a text book is not a crime in the same league as other misdemeanors teachers may be dealing with.

But do hear the school’s side of the story too. Is it possible that your DD has not told you everything?

My son has just gone in to 6 th form.this sounds exactly like his school when he was in year 7.. was a nightmare..one teacher in particular was an evil cow and kept giving him detentions,one time was for taking his jumper off on a boiling hot day ,with out permission..we also had the school shoes left at school ,and a dentention for going in trainers..it got better as he learnt which teachers were supportive and which to avoid like the plague..we had dentenisons for removing the blazer on a hot day as well.utter madness,when kids are in jumpers and blazers in the summer and teachers in cool cotton short sleeves shirts..personally I think it's a power trip by some teachers to frighten the year 7 s in to behaving because the teachers have no control as the kids go up the school..my son said the teachers who were the hardest on him as a year 7 had the classes were the kids did as they pleased ,and didn't listen as they went through the school..it's very upsetting as a parent of a new yr 7 to be told the schools policy is they have to ask to remove blazers / jumpers ,and teachers can and do say no...your hands as a parent are tied,and it's very frustrating

Also while I'm thinking ,I've put 3 teens through secondary school,and they all went to a different one.mainly because the one my first dd went to,would of been to strict for my second ds ..the local school had a well known bullying problem with the girls,so she wasn't going there,but my middle ds being a jack the lad type / all As,was able to cope with that..my other dc ended up at a special school...my dc number 4 will possibly/ probably need a special school ,but if not will go to the same school as my dd as the local school would eat him alive ,him being sensitive ....but I only know all this having had 3 go through the system

It's still worth viewing other schools,kids move house,move area and a place becomes available,it's worth having a look for a better school ,and look out of area too,

Don't waste any time in looking to move your DD to another school. Get her on the waiting list ASAP. Her current school sounds utterly shit. She wouldn't be going back if she was my daughter. Shocking!

At 11 yo shouldn't the parent be helping check all homework is done, uniform is right and all books are packed for the day ahead. Surely that would stop any detentions and you can then focus on the bullying.

The school sound really harsh. I think it inevitable that some year 7s will be a little disorganised to begin with. DDs school don't give detentions for the first half term for that reason. I think that they also support children who find it hard to get organised to begin with. Definitely move your child as soon as you can.

At 11 yo shouldn't the parent be helping check all homework is done

Hahaha

You can only check that homework is done if it's been written in their diary, or they have the worksheet.

You can only check that homework is done if it's been written in their diary, or they have the worksheet. Don't all schools use online homework apps?

Homework isn't always online. Sometimes it is but sometimes the system crashes.

Larger projects are put online in dd's school but most are written by them in the planner. We don't have Show my homework

Your poor DD. I went to a VERY strict all girls private school and even that was kinder than yours! I really feel for both of you.

Awful, your poor DD.

From happy to self-harming there seem to be a very long way. It must be more than just those detentions that cause her anxiety, it must be everyday stress of managing the secondary school environment. Did she have anxiety, mental health issues before? Did she miss school before?

If yes, you should argue she has an undiagnosed disability and the school should make reasonable adjustments and identify her special needs as they are required by law. If not, all the same, her current mental state is a special need and the Senco should devise provisions to deal with it.

Keeping her at home for more than a few days is not going to be a sustainable solution. After all she is better amongst peers of her age than isolated at home. You need to agree with the school what is going to be different upon her return.

Demand to speak to the head of pastoral care and the Senco. Ask to treat her emotional state as a special need and agree on provisions

• there should be a person your daughter should be comfortable to talk to about her worries, any day of the week

• that person should be actively monitoring your DD's anxiety levels
• separately do they have a school councillor?
• there should be some scaffolding system about her organisation , i.e. the planner etc
• they should make reasonable adjustments and don't go that harsh on her, adapted more proportionnate measures should be agreed
• the Senco should assess whether your DD might have any other needs, e.g. dispraxia

You DD might not have any special needs apart from her mental state right now, but you might prefer to research some of the things mentioned in the thread to form your own judgement.

Separately go to the GP and get a referral to CAMHS.

There were many helpful practical suggestions in the thread concerning how you could help her. If you put a support system in place, she might return to school successfully.

The school is being incredibly harsh. I cant believe she was in isolation for wearing trainers to walk to school. Surely isolation should be used for the more serious crimes, if your giving slightly disorganised yr 7s isolation what do you do with the fighting yr 11's?
I was really disorganised at school, I sort of bumbled my way through but I came out with 4 a* a levels so I obviously did something right, I had lots of lunchtime detentions for forgetting things but wouldn't have got an after school detention for a first time offence, all it would have done would be to demoralise me and my school was really good and could see that.
It just sounds so heavy handed, theres a huge difference between a disorganised pupil struggling with the transition and a badly behaved pupil. They are treating your DD like she has been really badly behaved but because what she needs is support she cant do anything about it. I think you need to speak to them tomorrow and think about moving her.

The transition from primary is huge and many kids struggle. Why is your DDs school being so harsh on Y7s? I would be requesting an urgent meeting with the HOY and HT to discuss the situation. If my happy, enthusiastic Y6 ends up in this situation in Y7 I will go batshit.

No Julie, ds's school & dd's school don't have any kind of online system. It's paper planners only.

School sounds horrendous. Take her out with immediate effect and speak with the LEA and Ofsted if you feel it warrants it.

I will.go against the grain. I don’t think taking her out is the answer, if uou cant home educate as you say, and I’m assuming this was the best option for a school or you would never have sent her to one uou class as not very good.

As such, keep her off tomorrow, but make an appt with the head. Don’t go in all accusatory but go in trying to seek a solution, explain the impact it’s having on her and see what you can do together to help her.

It looks like the school is zero tolerance, and this isn’t something that works for your daughter.

In your position I'd be outraged. I get they are tackling behaviour issues in the general school but not adequately addressing the bullying and the humiliation in assembly are totally unacceptable. If I were you I would:

Keep her off for tomorrow and take her to the GP immediately for an emergency appointment.

Write a complaint to the HOY copying in the head teacher and the board of governors
and anyone responsible for pastoral care outlining what's happened including the bullying and the assembly incident. Explain your daughter is now self harming and in serious mental distress and that you are seeking medical advice.

In the letter I would request an emergency meeting with the HOY tomorrow and follow up the letter with a call.

Contact the local authority to start the process of finding an alternative school.

Good luck!

Bluntness you’re dreaming. A school so utterly fucked up that it drives its new children to self harm within weeks is no place for any child, never mind one who is already in deep distress. No way on earth is this school going to suddenly improve its practices to become a safe, inclusive environment overnight. That sort of change takes years. It’s not the OP’s responsibility to teach the school how to behave with integrity, her responsibility is to her (very distressed) child.

I think the thing that would concern me op, is that if the school was as strict as you say, and there are no warnings, it’s one offence and detention, and that offence can be very minor indeed as per your daughters, and three detentions and isolation, I would expect to see one hell of a lot more kids read out in assembly as not going to the pantomime. In fact the vast majority of year sevens.

The fact you’ve said not many and she was embarrassed, would indicate there is something more going on here, why is she one of the few, and that’s why I’d want to speak to the school to really understand this.

A school so utterly fucked up that it drives its new children to self harm within weeks is no place for any child, never mind one who is already in deep distress

I don’t disagree with you, but as said, I’d want to know why my daughter was one of the very very few and the rest of the kids were not falling foul. If they are as strict as is being portrayed we all know most of the kids would be in the same boat,

I did contact the school about the bullying bluntness and they did not contradict DDs version of events.

DD feels she has been pigeonholed as a 'naughty' - disorganised and rule flouting - student and is dealt with harshly on that basis.

If that was my DD, she wouldn’t be going to any more after after school detentions and if she was placed into isolation as an alternative then I’d remove her altogether and let the LA find her a new school.

It’s shit, but my boys go to a very similar zero tolerance strict school. The difference is they enjoy it (albeit with some organisational help) and haven’t received arbitrary detentions (those they have had were probably deserved!)

I’d keep her off tomorrow and arrange a meeting with the school in the short term. I found School to be very quick to act when I removed DD due to a bullying issue and told them she wouldn’t be going back until the issue was addressed. She was off for 48 hours and hasn’t had a problem since.