AIBU to say something or should I let it go?

[FilthyforFirth]

Fully prepared to be told I am being ridiculous or petty, but everytime I read a hen do thread (which I lovs - so entertaining) I am reminded of my own severly shit one and it makes me so sad.

I have never said anything to my bridesmaids about it, but wondering if I should to try and move on? To be perfectly honest I am dreading them getting married and having to either be a BM for them or attend a really fun hen do. I know, I sound very bitter...

So it was in early 2016. When I got engaged I told my MOH a few ideas. I basically said I didnt like all the tacky stuff (think no penis straws or nightclub with sticky carpet) and they seem to have assumed this meant I didnt want it to be fun.

I am a drinker so was definitely looking forward to getting drunk. What happened was my MOH, who is lovely, arranged for several activities to happen on the Saturday and allowed peopld to pick and chose which bits they attended. So all day I had people coming in and out, which made me feel a bit shit to be honest.

We marched from one activity to the next, often getting lost. There was minimal alcohol which really upset me and the evening ended with seeing a west end show I wanted to see and then going home.

WTF? At 1030 my hen do was over. 3 of the BM came back to my house with the promise of drinking there but I honestly didnt see the point. We chatted for a bit and then went to bed and I basically cried myself to sleep.

The next day was Mothers day so turnout was very low as you'd expect and the ones who were there just desperately wanted to get that activity over with so they could go.

That was my hen do. I didnt want to make people pay to go abroad, even though I really wanted to, and I kept it local to everyone to try and keep costs down.

Thw two things I said I really wanted to do, we didnt (afternoon tea on the Sunday so older relatives could attend and to drink and dance in a bar).

AIBU to say something now? I just feel so sad and pissed off I will never have another one...

I do agree with PPs that you should let it go as it sounds like your friends tried hard and just misjudged what they thought you'd like. I think it would be mean to say something, especially now.

I do understand being secretly disappointed, I was really grateful for mine and it started amazingly but then everyone got tired quite early and it got a flat and we went to bed about 11 too.

Why don't you plan yourself a big birthday night out in the future and then move on? Dwelling on this won't help anything!

If it bothers you that much why don't you just plan a night out now? Not a hen do just a night out to catch up with friends? Drink as much as you want.

I think you should bring it up with them, and then come back on here to tell us how it went

You sound like very hard work if you are still fixating on this. Get a grip and move on

Why the hell was your hen do the same weekend as Mother's Day? If you wanted a whole weekend dedicated to you, that was definitely a mistake. People joining you for various activities, but not the whole thing made you feel shit? So rather than be happy that they made the effort, their lack of dedication to every activity centred around you upset you? Jeez. Plus the cost of tickets to a West End Show. You really, really need to realise how self-centred and ungrateful you sound.

I had someone not turn up to my hen do when there were only six of us anyway. That pissed me off as we waited for her and heard nothing from her, but to be honest my friends more than made up for that. We had a meal and went dancing. On one evening.

I don't think there's any point in complaining about it now. It's done. Finished. I think your MOH did the best she could, and planned what she thought you'd enjoy. It's a shame it wasn't what you wanted, but if you didn't tell her then she couldn't have known.

But you could contact all your bridesmaids and say you'd like to go out with them, and plan the hen do you would have liked to have. Dancing, drinking, having fun. Celebrate being married, and having good friends.

Let it go, let it go.

It's done and dusted, you can't change what happened and it is unhealthy to be fixated on one night out almost 2 years ago. You were obviously not clear enough in communicating your expectations to the organiser, and crying yourself to sleep is a bit.... pathetic, really.

Get over yourself and move on.

"Cried yourself to sleep" - really???

It's just a night out. Get over yourself and get on with enjoying the rest of your married life.

I think you should say something, so your friends know what you're really like.

Let it go.

I had to arrange my own hen do and my so-called ‘friends’ at the time all dropped out last minute with one just not showing up at the place we’d agreed to meet and then telling me she couldn’t come when I txt to ask if she was on her way!

And that was after I’d calculated numbers forked out for a mini bus taxi to get us to where we needed to be and paid up front for entry to the place we were going. I ended up out of pocket and out with my sister. We had a great time but it bloody stung. Funnily enough I’m no longer in touch with any of these ‘friends’ anymore.

The fact that people made an effort to attend yours, even if it was only for part of the activities should make you feel good, and grateful to have people who care.

Hen do’s nowadays are stupidly expensive - and it sounds like yours probably was for those attending. And also, you had a MoH who gave a shit enough to go through all of the effort of planning a shit ton of stuff that she thought you’d like and that people could attend. Doesn’t that make up for the fact that you didn’t quite get what you wanted?

Isn’t the fact that people cared enough to turn up enough for you?

If you’d wanted to go out and drink, 10:30 is a perfect time to say ‘right, the show was great, anyone fancy a drink?’ You did have some control in this, you didn’t have to go home after the show.

Anyway, if you speak up to your MoH now, you’ll come across as an ungrateful, entitled trout and ruin a friendship with someone who went to a lot of effort for you. Is you expressing your disappointment worth killing a relationship?

And as for not going to other hen nights because yours wasn’t what you wanted, really? So your relationship with your friends is worth less than your bitterness about your own hen do. That’s pretty sad.

I really think you should just get over it and definitely don’t bring it up with the moh. She tried. We did things on my hen do that weren’t very ‘me’ but it was lovely seeing everyone so I did have a lovely time. It’s bloody hard and stressful organising a hen do. I found one particularly more stressful than planning my own wedding!

You should have got involved in the drinking when you got back - it could have been lovely

sounds like they tried their best, and arranged lots of things for you. i don't really see any problem with anything that was done, tbh, so I would suggest your disatisfction has a completely different source, albeit that you have fastened it on to the hen do.

That seems really unreasonable. What your maid of honour planned seems perfectly lovely, and some women are increasingly demanding these days of their friends in respect of their hen party. It’s just a party! People don’t necessarily have all weekend to dedicate to you and drink into a stupor with you. You already got the west end show you wanted, and some friends came back to drink with you. If the other stuff was super important, it might’ve made sense to make it clear at the outset. I definitely wouldn’t ‘raise’ it again - get over it!

I agree with the posters who say you sound like hard work.

Bloody hell it sounds great! A west end show is a real treat! I think u shot yourself in the foot saying no tackiness but hey ho definitely time to get over it.

You seem to be going around in circles with this- The HD wasn’t what you expected, disappointed you and almost 2 years later you’re still brooding and sad. So much so you’re going to tell the kind and presumably good friend who did all the organising.

And when she is standing there looking shocked and horrified 2 years later Is that going to make you feel better?!!!
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Please.
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Things don’t always work out the way we want them. I think the problem here is you sound like you have very fixed expectations and are falling for all the cliches, “ the best night out” .... “ I’ll never have another one again....” All very dramatic. Frankly so what. Life doesn’t always match up to what we have in our heads. Save your sadness for something really sad. Move forwards.

You’ll have plenty of great nights out and plenty of great moments in your life that will be in retrospect SO much more important to you.

I’m so sorry your HD wasn’t what you wanted but it is holding you back now. It’s time to get some perspective.

WTF? At 1030 my hen do was over. 3 of the BM came back to my house with the promise of drinking there but I honestly didnt see the point. We chatted for a bit and then went to bed and I basically cried myself to sleep

So when you came out of the show, why didn't you just go to nearest bar to drink and dance?

It sounds like you just went along with everything, didn't do or say anything, and then cried about it later. Why didn't you just DO something?

Seriously let it go OP.

It was just one weekend. Sounds like your MoH went to an awful lot of effort to accommodate everyone.

My hen party was nothing like how I would have planned it (I was also home and sober by about 11pm) but my best friend put a LOT of effort into it and I really enjoyed myself. You sound a bit precious.

Your hen do sounded lovely. Why did you not suggest hitting a few bars after the theatre. At least your MOH made an effort. I had to do mine myself. No nice surprises for me, from my BM.

You cried yourself to sleep because your hen do was only a full day of activities with various people important to you followed by a west end show and a drink back at yours?

Christ!

So they organised activities they thought you wanted.

Showed up on Mother's Day.

Took you out for two days.

Offered to drink with you (which you're weirdly emphatic about)

And did all this on the basis that you didn't want to go to a nightclub...

And you cried yourself to sleep because of it and want to bring it up all this time later????

I'm just trying to imagine how this conversation would go...

2 years ago... you organised... lovely day... lots of activities... day before Mother's Day... West End show... didn't go abroad as i wanted... didn't get drunk as I wanted... cried myself to sleep...

If i heard that, after this amount of time, I'd be thinking "ungratefulcow" amd you wouldn't be getting invited to the other Hen Dos.

Just think about how that will sound to anyone else.

YABU and ungrateful. Some of us losers don't even have enough friends for a hen party. I wouldn't even mind a penis straw.

Jesus don’t say anything now. You’ll look like an ungrateful loon.