Mother guilt

[user1497814823]

Just found out that I can't go to either of ds1's school Christmas performances.

Dh just found out that he's away with work when the performances are. We have a baby who will be 12 wks at time of performances who isn't allowed to go along (no siblings under 16- fair enough). The original plan was for us to tag team and one have the baby whilst other went to the school concert then swap, but sadly no longer an option.

We don't have family close by and anyone else I'd trust with my baby will be at the performance themselves or busy with their own family / be at work at the times.

I could look into getting a babysitter- but I'm just not sure I can leave the baby that young with a stranger. Plus he's ebf so although I'll try to pump milk and get him taking it from a bottle by then, it's an unknown variable in the mix.

The Aibu is my dh attitude. He doesn't feel bad about this at all. The work thing is beyond his control- But he seems to feel no real guilt about this situation. I on the other hand feel awful for my ds1. I feel like it's putting the needs of baby ahead of needs of ds1 (who is in year 1). I know this is motherhood with more than one child, but I feel terrible about it. Maybe because I'll have to manage the fall out in December when nobody goes to his Christmas play!

Aibu to feel annoyed that dh doesn't feel bad? And more generally that I regularly have mother guilt about stuff child related whereas it just floats over dh head?

Would your family consider coming to stay op? If more than one came they could take it in turns to see the performance

I don't think your husband needs to feel guilty about this. So YABU. Since you asked. Nor should you feel guilty!! If they ban folk they must film it, so you can watch video with your child afterwards while having a good cuddle.

Sorry your school does this. Ours doesn't have that policy & I would have missed a lot of shows, too, if they had.

I’ve never had that difficulty thankfully. By the time DD1 was in school DD2 went to nursery 2 mornings a week and I was able to book a performance when I would be child free. (They always have 2 performances.)

DDs’ school allows siblings to attend anyway, and I’ve never worried too much about a little noise from the children in the audience. A screaming baby would be more annoying but I’ve never known a parent not to remove the baby in those circumstances.

No siblings under 16 is quite unusual. I'm wondering if they have had problems in previous years to make that a rule.

No babies is commoner and makes more sense - I sat through a performance with a baby disrupting the children on stage whilst the DM had an argument with the head who quietly asked her to take the baby out for a few minutes. (She would have merited a CF thread).

I agree with pp on guilt - is it useful? My OH was in a job where he couldn't take these dates off. I was more flexible but sometimes had clashes I couldn't change so we did miss some of these events. If you asked my (now adult children) which we attended they have no clue at primary age, they do remember those we went to when they were teens.

See if you can get a babysitter or family to visit but don't be wracked with guilt if you can't. Is there an option of being there at the end to congratulate even if you can't attend the performance itself?

Our school allowed siblings thankfully but I'm guessing the people you have to blame for the rule are previous parents who've been inconsiderate and caused the ban.

I hate all this 'it's hardly Broadway' etc. If it's that shit, why bother putting it on? If it's worth watching, it's worth being able to hear what the kids are saying. I would have hated it at school if I was five and trying to say my one line over loads of noise. Our nativity performances were quiet and actually quite holy in the way they felt. No camera phones or crying babies. Sorry but I think it's an occasion to get a babysitter.

I agree. The teachers work hard getting it ready, volunteers likely put in many hours with costumes, scenery etc and the children deserve a bit of quiet.

It's not the schools fault you don't want to use a sitter or had another child, the rules will be in force for a reason.

Too many parents refuse to leave when a child/baby starts playing up and spoil it for the rest. I've seen crying babies, toddlers running riot with parents just ignoring them and they won't leave so spoil it for the rest.

Unfortunately I have also seen many many performances where parents literally let their toddlers run riot or babies scream with no attempt made to get them quiet or sit still. This is undoubtedly where the rule has come from and if they let you in there’ll be a backlash from all the other parents. Schools are often damned if they do damned if they don’t when it comes to nativities. No real advice other than a babysitter who hopefully you could meet before, you’ll probably only be an hour or so I’m guessing.

I’d try to finish nd a babysitter who could come to the school and wait in the foyer. In that situation you won’t need to pump and to mr it wouldn’t matter really if I didn’t know them well. It’s what an hour max?
Try sitters.co.uk or ask around all the after-school Child minders as some might be free in the daytime.

Peng. I thought it would be ok to leave them with a childcare professional for an hour or so at 12 weeks. My youngest is ten though so perhaps I've forgotten what it's like!

It's balanacing it with the older one feeling sad though. Some of them do feel upset as I've seen it. It probably doesn't help that at my dc's primary the parents go up to the kids at the end and hug them/say well done/take photos etc. (It's what the school allow, not parents doing it against the schools will.) I think I'd risk the baby being upset in favour of the toddler feeling sad actually. The baby might be fine anyway.

Also my dd was once upset being left with my mum while i had to go to something for an hour so a babysitter might not be any different

Whilst the Under 16 bit is really unusual - how many 13 year-ols disrupt a play?- otherwise it really is perfectly normal. These plays are a lot of work and you would be amazed at the number of parents who would show no consideration about the noise their babies/toddlers make.

But it is more than reasonable to talk to the teacher and ask if you can go to the dress rehearsal. You could then maybe have someone available to have the baby,

I fully understand the guilt. I am a teacher and so no time off to watch my own children performing ot help on trips, mother's day concert, etc. My eldest was never particularly bothered but DS2 was. I think it a real shame you can't go. Are the school filming it at all? Could you watch afterwards? Is it worth contacting the local FE college to see if one of their second year students studying nursery nursing would like to hold baby/go for walk with pram for an hour. The performances are usually pretty short so would that be a possibility?

Due to work commitments DH and I have missed many (majority) of school events. Is there another family member who could watch the performance? We had grandparents who didn’t live local but arranged visits around school events. My brother in law turned out to watch one of the school plays - DS was on stage for about 2 minutes!

Newmanwannabe

I'm sorry if you thought I was being condescending

I'm sorry I was being condescending

Fixed that for you.