Mother guilt

[user1497814823]

Just found out that I can't go to either of ds1's school Christmas performances.

Dh just found out that he's away with work when the performances are. We have a baby who will be 12 wks at time of performances who isn't allowed to go along (no siblings under 16- fair enough). The original plan was for us to tag team and one have the baby whilst other went to the school concert then swap, but sadly no longer an option.

We don't have family close by and anyone else I'd trust with my baby will be at the performance themselves or busy with their own family / be at work at the times.

I could look into getting a babysitter- but I'm just not sure I can leave the baby that young with a stranger. Plus he's ebf so although I'll try to pump milk and get him taking it from a bottle by then, it's an unknown variable in the mix.

The Aibu is my dh attitude. He doesn't feel bad about this at all. The work thing is beyond his control- But he seems to feel no real guilt about this situation. I on the other hand feel awful for my ds1. I feel like it's putting the needs of baby ahead of needs of ds1 (who is in year 1). I know this is motherhood with more than one child, but I feel terrible about it. Maybe because I'll have to manage the fall out in December when nobody goes to his Christmas play!

Aibu to feel annoyed that dh doesn't feel bad? And more generally that I regularly have mother guilt about stuff child related whereas it just floats over dh head?

You sound very much rules focussed. And maybe a bit jaded with parents. And I mean that in a light hearted way non judgy way hopefully non offensive way. I'm a midwife. We have our own special characteristics too...

So are you?

Wen DD was at primary school parents with younger siblings used to be allowed to attend the final dress rehearsal.

I would rather the school accept all children to watch to allow parents to come rather than exclude.
It is more important that children know someone cares and has come to see them than I as a parent hear my child speak.
Ethically and emotionally that is the best thing.

The audience is first and foremost for the children to be supported and cherished. The second and less important reason for the audience is for the audience enjoyment.
If you are child focussed which I think schools should be you would concentrate on the former, not the latter.

School production rules aside, there will be lots of things that you miss along the way because that's the way it goes. Just accept that guilt goes along with motherhood!

I missed DS's first birthday for an 'essential' training meeting for work, about a bloody product that was never launched in the end. I still feel guilty about that (and DS, now nearly 18 enjoys winding me up about it occasionally).

IME schools have the no siblings policy either due to space or because some PITAs don't take crying or fussing DC out quickly. In your circumstances I'd go along and ask to stand at the back so that you can nip out as soon as your baby cries.

Definitely speak to the school. I am a teacher and a parent BTW before the debate starts 🤣

It may be possible for you to watch the dress rehearsal. I have had parents do this many times. Or you could offer to stand at the back and slip out if your baby cried. I have done this as a parent. I always positioned myself for a speedy exit. I was very aware of the effort everyone had put in, nerves and other people’s needs - and was always out of there before anyone else noticed my child cranking up.

Surely there will be someone you know who's going to only one night that could take your baby for an hour or 2 on the other night? People won't attend twice surely?

Yabu about the guilt. No point feeling guilty as it's outside your husband 's control.

I would speak to the school and explain that you want your Ds1 to have a parent there when he is going through the change of new sibling. Say baby will be in sling and you will leave if it cries.

other possibility - could you find a local babysitter who would come and sit outside the hall with the baby? Surely someone / local teenager would hold the baby while you stand at the back of the performance ready to leave if necessary?

In the school my dc goes to all siblings are welcome to school plays. I have never heard any crying or disturbance at all from them. They are usually transfixed by the performance.

Sorry OP if I'm derailing your thread, this is my last comment.

Pen
Jaded: because of "But naturally, every parent who wasn't allowed to bring their other children will complain about that exception. Schools just don't have time to field ten complaints after the fact, then argue about the basis for the exception."

And rules focussed as opposed to the idea that guidelines are to guide not to completely follow, and treating families as individuals with their own set of needs. I got that from this comment "but the school makes the final call".

Anyway. I mean no offence. That is how I see it. I definitely try in my work to allow the flexibility to people to give them the care they require, not what I think they need. (Unless safey was a concern, which id a different matter)

I'd ask school

Would a family member who isn't close by be able to visit?

Ask if you can go watch the dress rehearsal?

Ask your friends to have the baby and keep your phone on silent and keep checking so if it’s not working out you leave.

If DH has no control over this work commitment then he can't really feel too guilty about it, disappointed maybe. And the school's rules are preventing you from attending so I wouldn't feel guilty about that either.

Asking about dress rehearsal is a good idea. I missed dd performance this year and teacher suggested I popped in and watched the performance when they did it fir another year group instead.

Awful school policy- I'm a single parent, if I wasn't allowed to take my other child to DC's performances I wouldn't see any! Sounds like they're taking themselves very seriously- no under 16s at a year 1 nativity play, it's hardly Les Mis. Most schools just put in the letter that crying children should be taken out.

As others said, I would speak to the school and see if you can go to a dress rehearsal. Or would any family members come to stay for a night? I had to miss DD's play as it was only on at 3pm and I was working, so my ex in laws very kindly drove 2 hours each way to see her and took her out for tea afterwards. Not something I'd usually ask of them but it was particularly special to DD as she had a leading role and she was so happy that they came.

Surely tbere is still time for mums to organise a creche at the school. Many parents won't be able to attend if they have pre school children. We did this for years when my children were little. Mums with infants looked after younger children for mums with juniors and vice versa. Worked very well.

As it won't be for that long i would look into getting a babysitter. Childcare.com or something? Give them a bottle of ebm and for an hour or so, even if they wouldn't take the bottle it would be ok

Oh right. You just wrote "Sorry but I think it's an occasion to get a babysitter."
The baby won't be 6 weeks old. She could get to know a babysitter beforehand a bit or ask about local childminders who could do it

That she could meet beforehand and get refs for