Would this piss you off if you’re DH did this?

[DingleBerries]

I’m having a shit time with my mental health but I’m being proactive about it.
I’m also very aware that I can be a snappy arsehole because of it, or because I’m stressed of taking on 96396 things.

Over a year ago my husband inherited a house. Which is bloody amazing. Seriously amazing actually.

The deeds aren’t ours yet. A few things have gone through, probate and stuff but it’s still not finalised.

But recently (the last few months) changes have happened and he hasn’t been telling me.

For example, the solicitor gave him the keys to the property. This is a big deal, it means progress!
He didn’t tell me, he told my dad at a family gathering and I was surprised and it was clear I had no idea. I felt really stupid because of that. Apparently he had been given them ‘the week before’.

He only tells me of ‘progress’ if I ask about it

Recently a relative of the persons estate has decided they don’t like the outcome of the late persons estate and wants to contest it. That’s fine.
Tonight in passing I ask DH about it and he says ‘yeah the relative has got their solicitor involved.’ And ‘it could take another year.’

I was pissed off because he neve bloody tells me any of this (unless prompted) and whenever I ask him why he didn’t tell me he says he ‘only found out last week’

He says why would he tell me, it changes nothing.

He cannot see and makes no attempt to see things from my point of view that not only am I being kept out of the loop, that yes it does change things.
It changes mine and our children’s future.
We were told we would have the house by last Christmas (which is laughable now I think about it!) to Now the relative is contesting it could add on a year or however much time it doesn’t really matter.

Would you be pissed off if your DH kept you out the loop and continued to do so?

I feel like I’m not part of it and have no idea how mine and my children’s future looks and he doesn’t and will try to understand this.

As I said, I’m under a lot of pressure at the moment so if I’m in the wrong then I will take this on board.

A couple of thoughts:

1. it's very upsetting for you because he's not treating you like an equal partner, more like a child who has "no need to know these things" and that's not appropriate. So you need to tell him that he is treating you like a child, not a partner. Yes it might add to your stresses, but not as much as not being told is adding to your stresses!
2. My family had a very stressful issue a few years ago with a jointly inherited house. It took several years to resolve and at times looked like it never would be, but finally it was. I couldn't talk to DH about it much after the first couple of years because he would say "But why did this happen, why don't you do XYZ, why doesn't your family do ABC etc." and none of that helped. It wasn't my direct issue to deal with, it wasn't any of my fault that it happened the way it did and there was nothing I could do to change anything. SO being questioned about it just increased not only my stress over it but also made me highly irritated with DH for asking questions that weren't helpful to me. We stopped discussing it at all because he couldn't stop questioning me, and I couldn't do anything about it.

What I'm saying here is that your feelings are valid, but so are his, if he's feeling in any way like I did about it. You need to talk openly about how you feel he's treating you, but you need also to understand that actually discussing the house situation might amplify the stress for him.

Hope you can sort something out. ]thanks]

I’ve appologised to my DH.
Thank you for your input I appreciate it.
I’ve had a hell of a week and I can’t tell me arse from my elbow

I think it’s insightful of you to realise that change itself makes you feel uncomfortable. Maybe you would just be better trying really hard to put the house out of your head for 2018, almost like a resolution. So every time you think about it, want to ask about it, mentally take it into consideration then you’ll remind yourself ‘no! Not this year!’

Sorry you’re so stressed, start another thread maybe for advice on that.

My thought on this was that you perhaps both feel pretty ambivalent about the house.

Of course on the surface its a great windfall.

But it has also been kind of "dumped" on you. It comes with a whole load of complexities to sort out.

Your DH is bereaved and grieving for the person that died and left the house to him. He is probably also (at some level) pretty annoyed about being dumped on, and having his own life intruded on and plans suddenly changed so precipitously.

Of course you can't be angry with a dead person who has given you an enormous gift. He probably is not in touch with those hostile feelings at all. So perhaps he acts them out instead (feelings will "out" in some way!), perhaps by being hostile to you and suspicious of you.

In the "dance" between you two, you're probably also fulfilling the function of feeling all his negative feelings about the whole thing, which he projects into you to nullify the conflict within him.

... and of course the more you try and get him to open up about what it happening, the more he can ascribe to you the feelings of intrusion that are really his feelings that the dead person has intruded on him.

Ok, you have been together 21 years and you are referring to “my flat”. Is this where you live now or where you were planning to retire to? I’m asking this, because whilst calling it “our inheritance” you are assuming it’s a shared asset, yet (maybe a Freudian slip) you refer to a flat as yours.

I’m honestly not trying to pick you apart but we had a similar situation in that a relative of mine died and left me some money. I’ve been married for the best part of 30 years, so obviously the inheritance would/will benefit our family, yet I do object (in my head, never out loud) just a teeny bit to DH making plans for the money. I was very fond of the relative in question, and I had no idea that there was any money at all, let alone that she had shared it between several family members, and I was incredibly sad when she died, so it feels a bit grubby to be celebrating a windfall. Probate took forever, and I didn’t feel like I could make any plans with the money, and I honestly didn’t even want to talk or think about it. Honestly, inheriting even a relatively small amount was so stressful.

I can empathise with your DH, in that maybe he feels a little bit like this, but doesn’t want to say anything out loud, as he doesn’t want to upset you, and he realises it’s an irrational way to think anyway. If I were you, I would just back off and leave it alone. He’s probably sick of talking about it, and until it’s actually signed and sealed there’s absolutely no point thinking about the future, especially as it could still go tits up.

WomblingThree it’s a little complex. The Flat is in my name.

And we have been together for many years but we haven’t lived together for all of those. It worked for a long time, us living apart. I met him when I was just a teenager and we did what suited us.

So originally I was in this Flat just me and our kids (why does my phone capitalise the F on Flat?!) which is why I accidentally refer to it as mine.

But the house, yes it’s very much his in that it was given to him.

He can’t possibly be sick of talking about it.

I’ve mentioned it twice in the last two months, and both those times were when I found out change had occurred and he hadn’t told me.

Nonetheless, I’m grateful for he input on here. I suspected I was BU.

I have to admit that when my DM died, I roughly what I would inherit as I had dealt with DFs estate a couple of years earlier. I didn't like to think about or talk about the inheritance and only filled DH in on a need to know basis. I didn't see it as a priority as it wasn't money that I really looked forward to having because of the reason I was getting it - death of a loved one. Even when the money was finally in my bank account I didn't really talk about it and couldn't even think about spending it.

Do you think that your DH may have similar issues thinking about this house so he prefers not to talk about it?

Maybe he doesn't want to cause you more stress and anxiety by telling you all the problems arising with the house.

Also, if you are snappy, he may not say anything for fear you are going to snap at him