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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this piss you off if you’re DH did this?

61 replies

DingleBerries · 09/11/2017 22:27

I’m having a shit time with my mental health but I’m being proactive about it.
I’m also very aware that I can be a snappy arsehole because of it, or because I’m stressed of taking on 96396 things.

Over a year ago my husband inherited a house. Which is bloody amazing. Seriously amazing actually.

The deeds aren’t ours yet. A few things have gone through, probate and stuff but it’s still not finalised.

But recently (the last few months) changes have happened and he hasn’t been telling me.

For example, the solicitor gave him the keys to the property. This is a big deal, it means progress!
He didn’t tell me, he told my dad at a family gathering and I was surprised and it was clear I had no idea. I felt really stupid because of that. Apparently he had been given them ‘the week before’.

He only tells me of ‘progress’ if I ask about it

Recently a relative of the persons estate has decided they don’t like the outcome of the late persons estate and wants to contest it. That’s fine.
Tonight in passing I ask DH about it and he says ‘yeah the relative has got their solicitor involved.’ And ‘it could take another year.’

I was pissed off because he neve bloody tells me any of this (unless prompted) and whenever I ask him why he didn’t tell me he says he ‘only found out last week’ Hmm

He says why would he tell me, it changes nothing.

He cannot see and makes no attempt to see things from my point of view that not only am I being kept out of the loop, that yes it does change things.
It changes mine and our children’s future.
We were told we would have the house by last Christmas (which is laughable now I think about it!) to Now the relative is contesting it could add on a year or however much time it doesn’t really matter.

Would you be pissed off if your DH kept you out the loop and continued to do so?

I feel like I’m not part of it and have no idea how mine and my children’s future looks and he doesn’t and will try to understand this.

As I said, I’m under a lot of pressure at the moment so if I’m in the wrong then I will take this on board.

OP posts:
DoJo · 09/11/2017 23:09

I get annoyed with my husband if I tell him about something in the news and he says 'Yeah - I know'! I then have a mock-rant about how I am always keen to share things with him that I think are important and how he just heard the news and didn't even think about updating me. Grin

Although the above is lighthearted, the kind of thing you are talking about would fuck me off. Things that affect us as a couple, things that make a difference to plans for our children, things that are big news for ANYONE should be shared. If he's worried about stress, then he can ask if you want to hear the news or not - personally, finding out important stuff like this weeks after it's happened would add to my stress and I would rather know the latest whether it's good or not.

Original poster
DingleBerries · 09/11/2017 23:09

@minitheminx elaborate please

OP posts:
Original poster
DingleBerries · 09/11/2017 23:10

Stop trying to take my stress out on him miniminx? You missed the small print of me saying I do everything but that’s another thread, then.

OP posts:
Themummy76 · 09/11/2017 23:12

Why are you doing everything op?

Have you been married less than a year then?

Original poster
DingleBerries · 09/11/2017 23:15

We’ve been married over a year.

Honestly though? Why has marriage got anything to do with it? I only mentioned that because someone was talking about the legalities of it.

We’ve been together 21 years and one of our kids is in secondary school.

Stop making assumptions.

OP posts:
Original poster
DingleBerries · 09/11/2017 23:16

TheMummy as I said, that’s a separate thread

If you have insight to my issue on this thread, rather that your judgement, of appreciate it.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 09/11/2017 23:20

If this house is a real game changer, a once in a life time, life changing opportunity, a huge financial windfall, or property to someone who lacks property then it will seem to him to be "not secure" sort of tentative, could almost be unreal. So he may feel like he needs to do nothing, to do anything may seem like jinxing his "good fortune"

The fact that you are "interested" or invested in the outcome could make him feel pressured to have to do something. He may feel that the more interested you are in the outcome the more this proves you are grabby. If he thinks this he will almost certainly hide stuff from you. The more he does this the more fixated you become. It becomes a circle of self fulfilling prophecy.

The more you take out stress on him, or the more the relationship is strained by anything else, the more protective of his "asset" he will be. The more you take out your stress on him whilst fixating on this "asset" the more convinced he will be to believe he must protect himself.

MiniTheMinx · 09/11/2017 23:23

If you are unhappy and agrieved to be doing everything are you happy in this relationship? Because it seems that perhaps he has his misgivings too.

BumWad · 09/11/2017 23:24

After your update about clarifying about the keys i believe YABU!

LadyLapsang · 09/11/2017 23:29

Well, you have posted under AIBU and perhaps you are if your original post, which just focuses on getting the house, reflects how you come across to your DH. Having someone contest the will can't be an easy situation and he will be balancing all the practicalities with his emotions. It's difficult.I would try to be sympathetic.

Themummy76 · 09/11/2017 23:30

Wow - you are incredibly snappy and rude to people that are just trying to help you. If you are behaving like this to your oh then 100% he just doesn’t want the stress of having to deal with you along with the house

Insomnibrat · 09/11/2017 23:32

Incidentally, any challenge on a will, although a long winded and expensive process, is highly unlikely to succeed.

LittleOwl153 · 09/11/2017 23:33

Could it be that he doesn't really believe it is going to happen - you mention problems with probate and another relative - is he minimising it until he actually gets the go ahead to move you all in - until then it is a pipe dream? Maybe his way of dealing with the anx of it all?

So long as this is not his normal way of dealing with important stuff - i.e. he doesnt usually keep you in the dark then I would go with it on this for now and see what happens perhaps...

BackforGood · 09/11/2017 23:34

I agree with Bumwad - I suspect that he didn't think anything significant had changed, so therefore it wasn't really a big 'thing' to tell you. It wasn't like he physically was in a different position about possessing the keys (as implied in your OP). The house legalities still aren't sorted, so I don't see that it was a massive thing that would need to 'be told' unless you happened to be asking him about it / about if there were any changes this week.
This is quite a different response from my first one, because the detail you have added makes it quite a different situation.

NearlyChristmasNow · 09/11/2017 23:35

In answer to your question OP, I don't think it would piss me off if DH took his time to sort out his inheritance, especially if other parties were involved.

Likewise, my father died 3 years ago, and I dealt with the house, solicitors etc. DH wasn't involved at all, as it was a family matter for my brother and me.

Original poster
DingleBerries · 09/11/2017 23:35

TheMummy my post certainly didn’t intend to be snappy or rude to you. I’m confused at your response.

Minitheminx you have literally desecribed our situation.
You have given me a different perspective that has not been obvious to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
DingleBerries · 09/11/2017 23:36

There are some posts I haven’t read yet but about to now.

I totally take this as I’m being unreasonable and will be making it right with DH tomorrow (he’s asleep).

I needed perspective and I appreciate that.

OP posts:
Original poster
DingleBerries · 09/11/2017 23:39

Miniminx I understand your assets theory but the stressors have been in the last week and he got the house over a year ago.

I’d like to think he wasn’t hiding and protecting his asset. Sad

OP posts:
AlonsosLeftPinky · 09/11/2017 23:40

YABU

The house isn't yours, it was left to your DH, so it is therefore up to him how to manage the situation.

Your future hasn't changed a bit, because the house still belongs to the estate until everything is settled. I fully agree with your DH.

MiniTheMinx · 09/11/2017 23:44

I think the place to start maybe is not with the inheritance but with your feeling of being stressed and overwhelmed. If you are having to do everything you will feel resentment towards him. If you feel that level of resentment he will be aware of it, but maybe not aware of the real reasons for it.

He sounds like someone who might respond better to practical suggestions rather than abstract pleas. Maybe sit him down and spell out exactly how you feel and what you need from him. Don't focus on the inheritance, that can wait.

Once you get back to a good place of calm, and start to feel supported, and he can feel appreciated by you, he will see that any support you offer to him over the inheritance is coming from a good place. He will be convinced that your interest is more genuinely about your happiness as a couple.

Hope things improve for you soon.

Original poster
DingleBerries · 09/11/2017 23:45

We were told (infuriatingly) that it would be ‘ours’ by Christmas 2016.

So I do (wrongly or rightly) feel as though our future has changed.

I won’t listen to listen to the exacutor of the will any more ( clearly they talk out their arse) I won’t bother DH about it from now on and we’ll all assume that we will see out years out in our current home.

Which I was more than happy to do and looked forward to until this changed my future.

Which it has. Or has not. Then it has. Then it hasn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
DingleBerries · 09/11/2017 23:46

Miniminx we cross posted and I read your reply which actually made me well up.

I’m goig to re read it because I can see it’s advice I need to follow.
I appreciate it.

OP posts:
Smellylittleorange · 09/11/2017 23:47

Dingleberries Flowers for you I hope you find a way forward.

Original poster
DingleBerries · 09/11/2017 23:48

For what it’s worth, when DH got the house I was gutted.

I don’t like my future being unsure. I like to know what’s going on. I hate not knowing.

I thought we would grow old in my flat and all of a sudden things change!

OP posts:
CrocusEater · 10/11/2017 00:05

After your update about clarifying about the keys i believe YABU!

Agree. If he's always had the keys it's not such huge occurrence.
Nobody brought him the keys. Nobody handed over the keys. He didn't go collect the keys. You can't use the keys to go in and start measuring up. I can see it would be an easy thing to forget when you have other stuff to worry about.