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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Advise please

77 replies

Blessed81 · 09/11/2017 13:39

I have been in a relationship with a full time single dad for over three months now (kids' mum passed away more than two years ago). He's a very nice man and I don't want to loose him but it is getting harder & harder everyday. We got together during the summer holidays when the kids had one week away at grandma's in France. He had hoped to get an au pair so we could spend more time together getting to know each other but that plan fell through as he failed to get one. He has tried to get a child minder but that hasn't worked either. The kids are 11 years old and making 12 this month (twins). Dad finishes work early and rushes home so they feel that there's no need for an au pair or child minder. We tried sneaking around & almost got caught so we put that on hold. Right now, we are struggling meeting up and this is really weighing him down, he's sad & frustrated that we can't see each other (he told me that). I have tried to tell him not to get too frustrated, that things will get better but that doesn't seem to help, says he doesn't see an end in sight. He has no help whatsoever so everything is on him. He tried to get kids on sleep overs during half term but that didn't work. This week, we tried lunch but the situation is so frustrating at the moment, we can't meet, he can't see his friends (generally no social life) and because of that, he has started withdrawing. I know he's very busy but we used to chat on a daily basis, now I message him and he doesn't message back or takes days to message back. I did say perhaps we give up and leave this dating alone but he has said he doesn't want to give up because he found a wonderful woman, but I feel like he is shutting me out, I feel communication is what has kept us going and strong, with that getting less and less, it's affecting me and feel like letting this relationship go.

WHAT SHOULD I DO? PLEASE ADVISE.

OP posts:
Runzilla · 09/11/2017 17:05

I think its easy to underestimate how complicated his feelings may be. You mentioned he doesn't see an end in sight, he rushes home to them after work and that he seems to be withdrawing. Is this his first relationship since being widowed? He may be desperately trying to protect the children from the idea he is seeing a girlfriend/starting again. It is such tricky territory. I wouldn't expect too much or try and organise him to get a babysitter. You can suggest but ultimately it might not be the right time for him.

Blessed81 · 09/11/2017 17:09

SpiritedLondon

He definitely has a little princess. He had been relying on au pairs before we started dating and had hoped he would get another before kids started school but then since kids are older, most au pairs prefer working with younger kids. And he seems to be someone who wants to get a babysitter who can be a regular than booking different ones. So perhaps a teen in the local area would be helpful.

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Blessed81 · 09/11/2017 17:12

Runzilla

Yes it's his first relationship since being widowed.

OP posts:
Belleoftheball8 · 09/11/2017 17:13

Did you say he had 12month twins op or did I read wrongly? How long ago did his wife pass away? I don’t mean to sound awful but the fact his twins are so little that’s no time at all to be dating so quickly. As for his social life it sounds like his dc desperately need him and they need to be his main focus not getting an au pair so he can date or socialise. It sounds I don’t mean it awful against you like he’s looking for a replacement unless I’ve got the ages of the twins wrong.

Blessed81 · 09/11/2017 17:14

19lottie82

We have been dating for over three months now and have seen each other here and there - whenever he has managed to get away from the kids. But I suppose keeping options open isn't a bad idea. Thanks

OP posts:
Belleoftheball8 · 09/11/2017 17:17

Forgive me I read it as they were 12month not 12 this month 😂

Blessed81 · 09/11/2017 17:17

He has twins making 12 years this month and wife passed away two year ago

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 09/11/2017 17:17

I think it's harsh to call his daughter a "princess". You've never met her and her behaviour is almost certainly due to her mother's still recent death.
If you do want any future with this man then realise they come as a package. You can't resent the children. They undoubtedly come first.

Blessed81 · 09/11/2017 17:18

Belleoftheball8

12 years this month and wife passed away two years ago

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Runzilla · 09/11/2017 17:19

I would expect any first relationship after widowhood would possibly be very conflicting. Also, I appreciate you mention his little princess, but when you see your children poleaxed by grief you feel so responsible, as the only remaining parent, to hold them a little tighter. Its really difficult territory. I think you may have to keep your options open, as another poster said.

19lottie82 · 09/11/2017 17:22

Op , sorry but I stand firm, you’re not in a relationship with this man. You hardly see him and it takes him days to reply to your texts? You may think you are, but he obviously doesn’t.

Blessed81 · 09/11/2017 17:22

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties

Apologies for calling her a princess, wasn't meant in a bad way. I don't resent his kids at all and I know they come as a package and I accepted that package from the word go.

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19lottie82 · 09/11/2017 17:22

I’m not trying to be nasty but you need to take off your rose tinted glasses.

Thesmallthings · 09/11/2017 17:25

To be frank it's not up to the children to decided if they want a babysitter or not. And if letting his children decided on things like that id see it as a red flag.

Yes he's right not to go rushing in to a relationship but he should be able to say I'm going iut Friday so and so is looking after you. End of.

Blessed81 · 09/11/2017 17:25

19lottie82

Thanks for that advise. Under consideration 😊

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FluffyWhiteTowels · 09/11/2017 17:28

He's finding a lot of excuses not to find a baby sitter or childminder or au pair. Probably doesn't feel right for him to do it at the current time.

If you're willing to be pen pal then continue. If not live your life.

Blessed81 · 09/11/2017 17:31

Lozmatoz

Thanks for your advise. I was doing what u have suggested but him taking longer than usual to reply my messages is making me wonder whether to hang in there or to just move on. I appreciate how difficult things are for him but I don't think I can understand why he would take longer than usual to reply.

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Bobbins43 · 09/11/2017 17:31

Firstly, I didn’t know about sitters.co.uk, so thanks for that! Does anyone who has SN DC use them?

Secondly, I can kind of see both sides of what some of the PP have said. It doesn’t sound like he is making a fantastic effort to be honest. You could go and have dinner with them once a week. Or go out together to the cinema. It’s not ideal but it would be something at least. Can he not take some annual leave and spend the day with you?

Bobbins43 · 09/11/2017 17:33

I think you need to give yourself a deadline with it. Give me a certain amount of time to either sort out some childcare or include you more in family life. And if he cannot or will not do it, then, you have your answer. It’s the uncertainty as well as anything else

mumstaxi2 · 09/11/2017 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blessed81 · 09/11/2017 17:44

Bobbins43

We can't do things with the kids cos we started seeing each other just over 3 months. Not been introduced yet, and as matter of fact, we had hoped that he would get an au pairs as before so we can work on our relationship and when time is right, meet the kids. He took annual leave recently but during half term and he tried organising sleep over during half term but the boys friend's family were going away that week. So we were back to square one, we instead met one afternoon when kids were out with friends.

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Bobbins43 · 09/11/2017 17:45

He needs to sort out some proper childcare then. Which shouldn’t be too difficult. He’s not asking for odd hours or anything. Give it a deadline. Maybe he’s not ready yet. But either way, if you set a deadline, you’ll know

Bobbins43 · 09/11/2017 17:46

You COULD do things with the kids. You can be there as a friend. Possibly?

Blessed81 · 09/11/2017 17:48

Mumstaxi2

Apologies for princess calling but I don't think it was done in a bad way. I personally feel for the kids and him too having to do everything singlehanded. Hence my post for advise as am confused and was hoping for advise from perhaps pple who have gone through the same.

OP posts:
Blessed81 · 09/11/2017 17:52

Bobbins43

I think with how we started and the hopes he had, things have instead taken a different direction. He needs to reassess, I don't think he would consider that & I ain't sure abt that, but will think abt it. Thanks

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