To not want to commit to looking after friend's kid

[Jerseysilkvelour]

In September Mum friend of mine begged me to look after her child for a couple of days during October half term as she was stuck, had no one else to ask, her options are so limited etc etc. Week before half term I checked she still needed it, yes thanks so much etc etc.... so I arranged an activity for our kids, mine was v excited about it and having a friend round.

That weekend she text me and said she didn't need me to look after her kid after all, she made other arrangements. I was supposed to have her mon and tues.

Now she has asked me again for xmas hols - desperate again, no other options etc etc, I said I'd have to look at my calendar.

Surely a cheeky fucker would have happily given you their child to look after (and take out on an activity) rather than cancel something as she found an alternative.

I wonder if she thought she was being a CF so found something else, or perhaps she got the impression from the OP that the OP wasn't keen on having her child? It's possible.

You definitely need to talk to each other about why she cancelled on you. It sounds like you have different perceptions about what happened.

Methemandus You did read that the OP had checked that her friend still needed her as she had booked an activity for the children and that OP's DD was excited about it all? And the friend had confirmed it was still on? And then cancelled at the last minute?

So why is she in the wrong for not wanting to go through all that again?

Nannyogg Yes I did read the OP, it doesn’t say friend knew there was an activity. It said the week before she asked if it was still on and then booked an activity.
Friend probably still had no other option and didn’t know about the activity booked, probably just though DD was going round to play?

Nannyogg it says:

Week before half term I checked she still needed it, yes thanks so much etc etc.... so I arranged an activity for our kids, mine was v excited about it and having a friend round.

It doesn’t say friend knew. Friend probably thought she was being helpful not having to burden her mate with her DD

In the ops third post she says the friend did know about activity and that's why she checked with her the week before.

Our Christmas holiday starts on the 22nd Dec and they go back on the 2nd Jan, which I think is pretty much the holiday dates for most schools where we are and from what I have gathered in other places. It’s a short break. When exactly is she wanting childcare because unless it’s 27-29th Dec surely it’s christmas and new year? What does she do for work? If she’s a nurse or something working shifts and when other people aren’t working or in retail, I could see she may need childcare but frankly, I think she’s taking the p and needs to sort something that doesn’t involve messing you about and free childcare...

It’s simple if you can’t do it or don’t want to just say no. You don’t have to explain or give a reason

Haha All this time I though CF was Control Freak.
I was thinking she might be something else but I wouldn't necessarily say controlling .... 😆

Yanbu. I had a smilar with a friend. Will not offer again. Say no xmas is family time.

Nope not in Xmas holidays, thats family time, she has had months to organise this. Its not a surprise that Xmas is coming!

She knew you had gone to the trouble of organising an activity last time then pulled out without a second thought, dont rely on her not to do it again at Xmas if she gets a better offer.

Methem
And she did know I'd planned activity, that's why I checked with her week before that it was still on.

She knew yet still cancelled possibly leaving op out of pocket.

It's a big fat " NO", from me.
She was very rude last time.
Don't worry, she'll find someone else, for sure. 😄

I thought CF was c* friend! Oops, potty head!

Personally I would say no. However if you want to try again, don’t make plans or tell the kids this time. If she does it again, then you know to say no next time. It does seem to be taking the mick

Christmas holidays are family time

Surely over Christmas holiday your daughter will have plenty to do without you taking cf' s daughter. Afraid it would be a sorry busy, busy at that time from me.

if family are busy and she's desperate, it's a compliment and she trusts you the most but would prefer not to put you out if family suddenly become available. Sounds like she's trying to be organised for the sake of dc. If this is true then she sounds like a nice person who isn't communicating very well. It's really easy to clear up with a chat if you think on it kindly until proven otherwise. "Sorry I'm busy over Christmas" is all that's needed if you don't want the hassle. X

Tell her that you were disappointed that you made plans the last time but at least she found alternative childcare so would not call her a CF really. If you can help her and you don't mind then I think you should help. We all need help..

Of course she has options. Holiday ub, temporary nanny, babysitter. She just doesn't want to pay.

Playing devil's advocate but it's not impossible she actually thought she was doing you a favour cancelling on you at half term. Did you think to mention to her then that actually you and your DC were really looking forward to it and had made plans? Life is too short to fall out with friends when they don't even realise they've put your nose out of joint. Speak to her, explain you were disappointed before and (assuming you want to) offer to go with the x-mas proposal but only if she sticks to it this time.

I agree with this.

It's threads like this which make me appreciate my lovely friends. We help each other out all the time with childcare. Yes, it sometimes goes a bit pear shaped, normally due to miscommunication, but we give each other the benefit of the doubt before leaping to CF territory.

I don't see this one as a CF. I think she thought she was doing you a favour by making other arrangements - for all she knows you were just being polite about your DD being excited. Did you say at the time 'that's a pity, DD was looking forward to it'?

Also, on the 'she's had months to organise this!' replies, it's 10th November. There's another six weeks till schools break up, and in some jobs people only get their shift patterns a month in advance (or less). Maybe some people out there book all their Christmas childcare in September, but there are a lot more still scrabbling around in December. I don't think she's doing too badly to be looking to sort it now.

Christmas holidays are family time

Not everyone has family. And quite a few people have unpleasant families (see the CF Christmas thread for many examples)

It's not the OPs fault if the CF doesn't have family. She doesn't want to commit to a flakey person. So don't.

She hasn't actually put my nose out of joint, we're on good terms, I wouldn't call her my bosom buddy but we are good mates. It's only because she's asked again I'm even thinking twice about it really.

Anyway, I've now said sorry I can't help over Christmas.

Thanks for all the perspectives - I genuinely find them all useful.