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Original poster

To not want to commit to looking after friend's kid

73 replies

Jerseysilkvelour · 08/11/2017 16:31

In September Mum friend of mine begged me to look after her child for a couple of days during October half term as she was stuck, had no one else to ask, her options are so limited etc etc. Week before half term I checked she still needed it, yes thanks so much etc etc.... so I arranged an activity for our kids, mine was v excited about it and having a friend round.

That weekend she text me and said she didn't need me to look after her kid after all, she made other arrangements. I was supposed to have her mon and tues.

Now she has asked me again for xmas hols - desperate again, no other options etc etc, I said I'd have to look at my calendar.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 08/11/2017 17:09

Hi. sorry no you are too flaky.

ItsNachoCheese · 08/11/2017 17:09

Tell her you cant do it

wannabestressfree · 08/11/2017 17:13

I think this is one of those rare occasions where the bush need not be beaten around....’ I made plans last time and you let me down. Not keen to do it again’

oldlaundbooth · 08/11/2017 17:13

Out of the country?

Otherwise engaged?

Plain old no?

expatinscotland · 08/11/2017 17:16

No, no, no! Nope, have already made plans, not available.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 08/11/2017 17:16

Just a simple 'no'. You don't want to do it, so tell her that.

Viviennemary · 08/11/2017 17:28

Certainly don't make arrangements with this time waster. Sorry but you already have plans. Or play her at her own game. And agree but say you can't promise 100%. And day before say oh dear sorry you can't do it after all. No worse than she did to you. But seriously just say no.

HolyShet · 08/11/2017 17:30

You have to tell her that your DD was dreadfully hurt and disappointed last time.

She'll have fired off same message to half a dozen parents. I don't think it's hardcore on the CF scale, just a bit flakey and thoughtless.

I'd probably still have the kid over, if you like them and your DD does.

CruCru · 08/11/2017 17:31

Honestly? You need to say something like "Unfortunately that isn't going to work for us. I hope that you get something sorted". If you give her a reason, she is going to find a "solution" to your reason.

Starlight2345 · 08/11/2017 17:36

Would be a big no from me.. Reason not just but it what happened last time but also it will become expected every holiday and she obviously does have other options

Deemail · 08/11/2017 17:44

It looks like she's beginning to form a habit of having you as back up childcare. Do you want to fill that role?

I personally would mind doing it over Christmas as it'd be tying you up from making your own plans and Christmas is such a short period really.

I'd send back a text saying "hi friend, we haven't finalised all our own Christmas plans yet so I won't know until closer to the time. I'll let you know the week before"

She can't really get annoyed at plans changing a week before when she's done the same to you!

Did you find out why she cancelled? Did she have a better offer? Seems very strange that she didn't let her child over for the day out you'd planned.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 08/11/2017 18:02

It depends. If you think your child would like it I'd agree but not tell your dc and have your own back up activity planned for if she cancels again.

Candlelight234 · 08/11/2017 19:11

What deemail has said is perfect.

melj1213 · 08/11/2017 20:26

I would send a message that covered your dd's disappointment at her friend not coming last time (your friend may not have realised you were going to treat it as a "playdate" scenario and thought she was doing you a favour by not having her child after all) so that your friend knows how much you were actually inconvenienced by her behaviour, but does leave the door open for you helping if she really does find herself with literally no other option.

So something like:

"Hi , our plans for the Christmas holidays aren't fully finalised yet but it is a very busy time of year and after last time I really don't want to commit to having your DD, turn down other plans and then at the last minute find out that X isn't coming over after all.

DD was left very disappointed when X didn't come over last time - we had made plans to do ABC activities and DD was very excited - and with Christmas being a very busy time of year I don't want DD to miss out on events we declined because X was supposed to be visiting, only for the plans to fall through last minute again.

I understand it is difficult to find childcare and if you find that you are really struggling, by all means message me closer to the time and I'll see what I can do. Good luck and I'm sure something will work itself out in the end!"

Imstickingwiththisone · 08/11/2017 20:35

She's a cheeky fucker for not sending her DC round despite no longer needing childcare? I would have done the same! Then if my friend had responded that her DC was disappointed i would have said it could go ahead if she was alright with it. If she never said that though i would have assumed i was no longer inconveniencing her with having to entertain my child when she could be having quality time with her own.

If you don't want to do it op just say you have plans

acornfed · 08/11/2017 20:43

Er...depends how good the friend is, what her reasons for cancelling and what her reasons for asking you to help out.

If she's a on call oncologist - yes absolutely
If she's got an ill relative
If she just can't be bothered to look after her kids (unlikely) - no

If she's a good friend I would always try to help

Bambamber · 08/11/2017 20:46

Remind her she said she had no other options last time, yet even after you arranged a fun activity, she magically found a better option. You don't fancy letting your child down again as thats not fair

Gemini69 · 08/11/2017 20:48

No.. I'm too busy to accommodate you .. sorry Flowers Grin

BhajiAllTheWay · 08/11/2017 21:43

Im cynical and based on my own experience would say this is how cfs get their claws in. Before you know it you'll be minding her LO 23 hours out of 24...Just a one off becomes a regular routine if you aren't careful.

Mammylamb · 08/11/2017 22:21

My friend knew my husband didn't work school holidays so asked if he could watch her daughters for a few days over the holidays and her mum was taking a few days off work to watch them the other days. I said no on his behalf; she had previously been taking random days off while the kids were at school to enjoy herself for the day, while expecting my dh to use his holidays to look after her kids. She had suggested that another friend on mat leave also do pre and post school childcare for her to save her the cost of a childminder (she wasn't daft enough to ask me that)

timeisnotaline · 08/11/2017 22:33

I too would wonder if she thought she had been doing me a favour by cancelling last time and isn't a cf at all, just a bit thoughtless. I'd tell her dd was disappointed last time.

PollyGasson24 · 08/11/2017 22:53

If she just can't be bothered to look after her kids (unlikely) - no
Don't know how unlikely this is, actually. I had a call from the non bio mum of ds's school friend (live in girlfriend, not sure) recently, asking if i could pick up friend from school and bring back to mine for about an hour because she wanted to watch a race she had bet on. When she couldn't guarantee to picking up within the hour (we had an after school activity to go to), she asked if I would walk him to the gate and tell him to walk to her friend's house. Which was two minutes away from school. This woman has rarely made an effort to chat, despite the kid regularly playing round ours. I couldn't really think of any other reason than lazy/cf who couldn't be bothered looking after their own child in this situation. So there's plenty of them around. Grin OP, just don't bother.
(disclaimer - I take it all back if she makes an effort to be friendly from now on, but its not the first cf request, so I won't hold my breath...)

KeepServingTheDrinks · 08/11/2017 22:59

MN does love a good CF, but I'm not sure this is CF territory. It really might be that she thought she was doing you a favour by finding someone else.

Or, if we're lucky she's a CF!!!

Methemandus · 08/11/2017 23:05

Hang on a minute - she asked you for a favour, probably last resort by the sounds of it because she was desperate. Then was able to find alternate childcare to not put you out - she probably felt bad about asking you in the first place and a family member became available. And she let you know a couple of days in advance that the favour was no longer needed.
Tell me how exactly has she been a CF?
Did she know you have plans or did she just think “ahh great, Mum/sister/aunt can have DD so I don’t need to bother friend”???

You’re calling her out for being a CF for asking for help but then being ok for not needing your help?

Jesus I’m glad I don’t have friends like you Hmm

Methemandus · 08/11/2017 23:07

AND you’ve said it was a one off. What’s the issue? You sound like a shitty friend to be honest

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