How much to spend on Step Children for Christmas?

[ElChan03]

I saw a similar post and I have also been wondering something similar.
I hope this doesn't annoy anyone as I know it's a bit of a repeat... however I have interesting circumstances.

So a bit of back story.

I am in a relationship and live with my DP and his two DC. I do not have any children of my own at all. I wondered what MN would recommend I spend on the two DC and whether I am expected to spend large amounts like people normally do in their own DC.

I didn't know whether being in a SP meant I am obligated to spend or behave in a certain way.

I only ask as I am worried I will spend too much ... I did so last year and I have been told that a SP should not be crazy mega involved in that way.

Please help me.

Every situation is different.
My SDs are a bit older, and their mum died. Their dad and I don't do "joint presents" because we feel that it would be a bit much, acting like "mum and dad" unit when they're mum is dead. That's partly their age too, though - now and when they met me.

I earn a lot more than their dad, so I check in with him what he's buying (I give cash) so that I don't "out spend" him, as that might be odd.

If I were doing £100 and him £50, I'd give them £50 and my other £50 would go to him to up their presents from him.

The best thing to do is to talk to him.

The first year I gave them cash, they were confused and said to him afterwards "that's the kind of amount family gives!". We were just dating then. Now I am family, and they're happy to accept

Just to add complication... in your situation I'd even consider presents from "all the adults" so as not to create a difference between their parents. But that really depends on the situation with their mum.

Why the shocked face, if you read the threads on here , £150 seems to be about average. It certainly is with my friends.
But like I said it might to be affordable for the Op.

How long have you been together UP? Are you married? Living together?
If so I'd ask him what he would like to spend and if you're prepares to do that / can afford it - sorted.

But she's asking how much SHE should spend, not how much all their gifts should cost.

Been with dp 2 years but have known him for 3. I've lived with the family for just over a year.

We've always decided a budget together. It's a bit different now as we have 2 dc together as well as dsd (almost 18 and doesn't live with us) but since the birth of ours we've set the same budget aside for each of them and stressed to them that they all get the same spent on them - £80. Going back years we've always paid for and given presents jointly. These days the only spare cash is mine but it goes into a joint account for all presents, holidays etc. So dh pays maintenance, the rest of our outgoings are split proportionately according to salary and whatever is left goes into the joint pot. I think if you want a long and lasting relationship with your stepchildren then you need to approach it together from day one. Particularly as you live with them.

Just spend on how much you can afford. Too many nieces and nephews so my budget are smaller £10-£20 according to their ages. Ideally I would just give them the money wrapped up in a nice tiffany box but some of their parents would rather them to have presents. Oh well. I tend to spend more on Birthdays than Christmas.

£150 per child???

I have 3 dc and will spend between £50-100 tops per child - and usually more towards £50 per child.

No way would i spend £150 per child. I don't pay more than £100 per adult either - and I only buy for DM, MIL, DP - that's it. DM and MIL tend to be under £50 too, actually

And I agree that £150 per child seems a lot, but I guess it depends on your incomings, outgoings and personal values.

I promise you all it would be from both of us. It's just he doesn't have very much he can put towards presents. So even if he decided on a budget it would be from my earnings predominantly.

I don't know if I could give one money as dss has severe learning disabilities and would not understand money as a gift. So would need to be proper gifts for both to be fair to each.

I have two SC and one of my own. Me and OH have a set limit of £100 for each of them. Obviously its never exactly spot on, over/under by a few quid normally and definitely depends on what they've asked for.
Speak to you're OH and see what he thinks about it, he's been buying them presents since they were born, surely he has a rough idea on the cost and want he/both of you can afford. Why is it your money or his though? I don't get that - again me and OH have separate accounts but all money (whether earned by me or him) is our money not mine and his, that's really strange to me that when you live with someone you wouldn't just share the lot especially when buying presents

No way would i spend £150 per child. I don't pay more than £100 per adult either, you see to me, this is the wrong way round. Adults get a token present, with my DC getting more spent on them. Christmas is about children.

I will probably spend around £130 on my two DC, who are a 12 year old girl and an 11 year old boy. DD wants clothes, make-up and jewellery. DS wants PS games, but will probably get one game and other things, a scooter to get him out of the house, for one thing.

If he is a SAHD then do you have kids together? Or is he a SAHD when the kids are there and if so what does he do when they arent? Do the dc live with you both ft?

You need to treat them as if they were your own from what you have said , however you do not need to go overboard and you do not need to price match for two of them . Is their dad actively looking for work ?

I would have thought £150 per child sounded totally normal. Hell, every man and his dog appears to have a Christmas Eve box as well and they're £20 or so.

They are joint presents - so I would have to consider what I would spend on my own children and buy together. If I lived with a man and we had joint finances but he would only contribute £20 per child and expected me to contribute the rest when I wasn't earning I would be unimpressed. (Assuming he wasn't totally broke which it sounds like you're not)

In your shoes I would spend less on your SS than your SS and I would spend less on both of them if they lived full time with their mother. If they live full time with you it's your joint responsibility to give them a good Christmas.

You don't have to spend a lot - if you can buy second hand, bargain hunt, get thoughtful presents where time is involved as well as like a promise of a day trip to X or materials towards Z project.

Considering the games consoles, laptops and mobile phones some children get I don't know why £150 is considered extortionate.

I would roughly break it down to £10 - 'Christmas' spends (mug, pjs, DVD or book), £5 chocolate, £15 stocking fillers (for older children this can be more expensive), One big present like headphones - £40, branded clothing x2 , £50 - that's £120. Plus a couple of other bits to open like an iTunes gift card - they all add up. If she's not having Christmas day with you or you are not the main home giving her presents obviously these costs can come down.

That's when you are more frugal through the year, when I was a child Christmas presents were always more because I got hardly anything through the year!! If you're always supplementing your SD shopping and going out etc then you can take it easier and just get her a couple of fun items.

This will be a lot for some and too little for others but I don't think it's extravagant.

For the posters unhappy the dad is a sahd, I assume he is a full time carer for his severely autistic son?

Not sure why the mum doesnt work though as the OP said the dc live with them full time...

I think your DP should ask the children's mum about what the DC would like for Christmas and waht she would approve of him buying. Be very careful not to undermine either your DP or the EX.Let them decide and then go in for joint gifts with your DP.

It's a minefield so stay in the background. You do not want to be" lady bountiful" and out do the parents with your understandable wish to be generous.

The moment me and my DP moved in together, the money spent on my DSS was equal. We'd both put equal amount in. This year and last since the birth of my son one will pay for one boy and the other will pay for the other

The children live with us full time. Every day. The contact arrangement is complicated this is due to mum and for the same reason I cannot explain about her finances or working situation.

Dp is a sahd as he is a full time carer for dss. He is looking at potential pt arrangements but very difficult as dss needs can be unpredictable and he needs to be available at all times. He volunteers at a special needs farm where he can.

I know our finances are joint. But the bulk of which are made up by my income. Which was why I was asking. But as I said before had a lot of good advice to help me.

I would get a main present- something they really want- and do a couple of medium presents like clothes, books etc, plus a stocking (if they are with you over Christmas?)

Worm, it's all very well telling the OP not to undermine the mum, but the mum isn't resident parent, if she's not working then presumably not paying child support. To all intents and purposes, the OP is the parent and should buy what she likes!

I know you didn't ask this, but at 25 you are very young to be the step mum of a 12 and 11 year old and taking the majority of the financial responsibility for them.

As to your question, I think that if I was effectively their mum, which you seem to be, I would spend whatever I would on my own biological children. There is no one right answer to that because it depends on what you can afford.

I know I am going to sound like a right cynical cow here, but mind they don't all take you for a mug

Totally understand your situation op, as it's mostly been my salary that has paid for extras for dsc. I think you need to have a conversation with your dp about what you think you can afford and what seems reasonable based on your unique situation.

Given your income I aim for £50 each and then maybe a few bits for a stocking. If dsd comes a little more i wouldn't worry as you spend extra on dss through the year. However unless all money goes into one pot, I would expect Dp to put sometgibg towards it from his carers allowance as it should be a pint effort even if not equal