How much to spend on Step Children for Christmas?

[ElChan03]

I saw a similar post and I have also been wondering something similar.
I hope this doesn't annoy anyone as I know it's a bit of a repeat... however I have interesting circumstances.

So a bit of back story.

I am in a relationship and live with my DP and his two DC. I do not have any children of my own at all. I wondered what MN would recommend I spend on the two DC and whether I am expected to spend large amounts like people normally do in their own DC.

I didn't know whether being in a SP meant I am obligated to spend or behave in a certain way.

I only ask as I am worried I will spend too much ... I did so last year and I have been told that a SP should not be crazy mega involved in that way.

Please help me.

[PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon]

Tough one. People I know spend anywhere between £50 to £150 for Christmas. It depends what you’re comfortable with spending rather than them being step children

[OCSockOrphanage]

I tend to think it's mostly about the choice of gift, rather than the cost. If it's well chosen it will please regardless of cost. However, I do appreciate that finding those gifts may be a use of time you don't have to spare. I think and hope that whatever you do will be much liked because you seem so thoughtful and considerate of everyone's feelings. Wishing you a joyous Christmas.

[ElChan03]

I very much agree notevil but i do try to give her extra attention in other ways to make up for it the rest of the year as well.

[Kpo58]

I'd just go with seeing what the children want and then deciding if it is affordable. There is no hard and fast type on the exact amount that should be spent.

[Notevilstepmother]

I wouldn't say an amount because it depends on what you can afford and what would be normal for her. I think I would spend more on the girl, because fair doesn't have to mean the same for both. If the boy already has lots of toys then he doesn't need spoiling at Christmas, whereas the girl might appreciate it more, siblings of children with extra needs sometimes need a bit of extra TLC I think.

I think maybe go somewhere in between what you'd expect spend on your own child and what you'd spend on a niece?

[gunsandbanjos]

I’ve told my very soon to be husband that a token gift is all I expect for my daughter, about £20? She gets plenty from everybody else and I don’t want him spending more than he can afford.

[ElChan03]

double thanks for the advice.
Really don't feel comfortable talking about mum as I don't want to criticise or say anything that could cause disapproval. Me and dad are the soul providers for the children and that is her choice. It has been really hard watching from a distance the choices she makes so I don't want to say anything that can be taken negatively. Dad and I share the cost of uniform and trips out of our money.

I don't think mum thinks about who is paying for the upkeep of her children. Again not to sound negative, I don't think it's something that she has ever considered or wondered about.

I really didn't want to bring mum into this, it was about my responsibilities I was asking for advice for.

[londonlookout]

As a stepchild on both sides I found it really odd and it sort of cemented the feeling that we weren't a family when both SP's bought me a xmas present. I feel it would have been more appropriate for the presents to be from both my mum/stepdad and dad/stepmum.
In saying that I had a few friends growing up who got separate presents from their mum and dad and they were still together. I found that really odd though.

[DoubleDinghyRapids]

It is a minefield, doesn’t matter what you do, it’ll be wrong to some. You could spend a grand and be told you are overstepping, or spend a small amount and be criticised for having more spare and choosing not to buy them things their parents can’t because they are in benefits.

Do what you feel comfortable with. I don’t agree that you should play no part in the budgeting, your the one who’s responsible for financially providing for the not only the children but also their father, yes, it’s family money, you’re a member of the family and get to play a part in the budgeting, you and their Dad sit down and plan. Every bit of disposable income doesn’t need ringfencing for them, if you can afford £2,000 doesn’t mean it has to be used and you can say £100 each for eg.

Stepmums are often told they should treat the children like their own, should cook for them, clean for them, do their washing, pay for them but where decision making or discipline or fun stuff like watching sports day etc is concerned then they get told they are not the parent, to back off, that they are overstepping, etc etc etc.

You can’t win.
Do what you feel comfortable with, also, the concerns of them taking advantage went through my head too.

Does mum pay child support and Contribute towards her children, who pays the extras like school uniform and school trips? Or does she coincidentally not feel undermined every other day if the year when you’re paying for stuff?

[gateto]

I would say really you shouldn't be covering most of the costs even if you are the main breadwinner. Most of money from presents should come from your DP, and the amount you put in would be what you'd give nieces and nephews.

If kids are with you full time then you'll be putting a lot of money towards christmas time in general so don't forget about that. Maybe a nice present and a stocking each?

Money aside, these kids still do have two parents

[schoolgaterebel]

I think you should spend what you can afford, I understand you do not want to 'upstage' your DSC mum, but at the end of the day it's about the kids, and if you can afford to treat them and feel they deserve it go for it.

If you really tap into their interests with thoughtful gifts that shows you know them, those will be the gifts they love.

Do you and your DSD do anything together? Baking or perhaps painting nails or a shared tv programme you enjoy? A gift that would involve you spending time together would be special.

The Christmas memories and traditions, like decorating the tree and dancing to Christmas carols, or making mince pies together, or making Christmas decorations will mean a lot too.

[sweetbitter]

I have no children either. I spend on DSS roughly the same I spend on my DM and DP. He gets loads of presents overall, from his mum, DD, grandparents, stepGPs...

[ElChan03]

Thank you. I hope when they are grown up they know I've only ever tried my best.

[Hollyhop17]

You sound a lovely step mum and I'm sure you'll give them a great Christmas!

[ElChan03]

It wouldn't be so bad if both children's bdays weren't in autumn months near to Christmas. But I think I've saved enough to gave something reasonable although possibly not at 150 each as that's a bit too much for me.

[ElChan03]

Lol yes... this is why I asked because my friends and family irl have often said similar words to that effect. (Being a mug)

MN is different though and more opinions to help me out. I needed to know what the acceptable protocol with this is as I just want them bo6h to have a lovely Christmas!

[DrCoconut]

I just bought DS3's present from a Facebook selling page for £10. He will love it. I think choosing something the kids will love is more important than cost.

[Brazenhussy0]

mind they don't all take you for a mug

This^ was my concern as well.

You seem like a very kind-hearted and generous person OP but please take care of yourself too.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Given your income I aim for £50 each and then maybe a few bits for a stocking. If dsd comes a little more i wouldn't worry as you spend extra on dss through the year. However unless all money goes into one pot, I would expect Dp to put sometgibg towards it from his carers allowance as it should be a pint effort even if not equal

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Totally understand your situation op, as it's mostly been my salary that has paid for extras for dsc. I think you need to have a conversation with your dp about what you think you can afford and what seems reasonable based on your unique situation.

[Aderyn17]

Worm, it's all very well telling the OP not to undermine the mum, but the mum isn't resident parent, if she's not working then presumably not paying child support. To all intents and purposes, the OP is the parent and should buy what she likes!

I know you didn't ask this, but at 25 you are very young to be the step mum of a 12 and 11 year old and taking the majority of the financial responsibility for them.

As to your question, I think that if I was effectively their mum, which you seem to be, I would spend whatever I would on my own biological children. There is no one right answer to that because it depends on what you can afford.

I know I am going to sound like a right cynical cow here, but mind they don't all take you for a mug

[Chrisinthemorning]

I would get a main present- something they really want- and do a couple of medium presents like clothes, books etc, plus a stocking (if they are with you over Christmas?)

[ElChan03]

The children live with us full time. Every day. The contact arrangement is complicated this is due to mum and for the same reason I cannot explain about her finances or working situation.

Dp is a sahd as he is a full time carer for dss. He is looking at potential pt arrangements but very difficult as dss needs can be unpredictable and he needs to be available at all times. He volunteers at a special needs farm where he can.

I know our finances are joint. But the bulk of which are made up by my income. Which was why I was asking. But as I said before had a lot of good advice to help me.

[ButtMuncher]

The moment me and my DP moved in together, the money spent on my DSS was equal. We'd both put equal amount in. This year and last since the birth of my son one will pay for one boy and the other will pay for the other