to ask MN to help me to get my DFather to back off?

[NoLonger]

Backstory: Growing up my DFather was emotionally and physically abusive - would blackmail me into never getting even a trim for my hair, would hit me for slightest thing like forgetting to text my DM on her way home from work because we'd run out of milk. I was also sexually abuse by my DFathers brother when I was 4, at the time I didn't know what had happened being only 4 so didn't tell anyone until I was a teenager. My Parents split when I was 14 because my DFather didn't believe me and backed his brother, my DM believed me though. Contact was ordered through courts for my siblings, but not me as the court felt I needed to rebuild my relationship with my DFather, they asked him with help to send me regular emails, which was then supposed to build up to short visits with the view that by the time I was 16 I'd be on a regular contact agreement like my brothers.

Unfortunately after 2 emails my DFather thought the process was going too slowly and told me that I either joined my brothers for regular contact or he wouldn't see any of us. I remember clearly telling my DM that I wanted to stick to the way things where, so my DM challenged my DFather about it and he cut contact with all 3 of us.

So that was 10 years ago, I'm now 25, I am married and have my own child, who's 2. Neither of my brothers have children yet.

DBro2 (now 21) contacted my DFather about a year ago. DBro2 tells me that DFathers brother is now in prison for sexually assaulting his Stepdaughter so my DFather now chooses to believe me. At the time I still didn't want contact with DFather but told DBro2 that I was happy for him to be invited to his 21st birthday party in May.

Well obviously my DH and DD are at the party. DFather realises that DD is his granddaughter and wants contact with both me and DD oddly enough he wasn't bothered about meeting DH.

I agree to add him on Facebook and change my settings so he can only see certain posts. And we start messaging. Within a day of messaging it turns to "When can we meet up?" "When can I properly meet my granddaughter?" and offering to buy presents for us both.

I agree to one meeting just before DDs 2nd birthday in June which is nearly a month after we start messaging. I tell him if he wants to get her a present he can but don't expect her to run up and hug him gratefully as she doesn't know him. And as we live in a small flat keep it to something small that she's not going to bothered if I relocate it to my DMs or MILs. He was very good and chose a cushion for DDs bed/chair with her favourite TV character on, she uses it as her "naptime" pillow and uses it on the sofa at nighttime when she's at home.

I've seen my dad once more since then on my own without DD. It wasn't always through choice DD is disabled and has at least a couple of appointments a month, attends a private Nursery 2-3 days a week depending on appointments and also my work. Yes I do also work, but often from home so I can be around if DD needs me. I just got busy and haven't had a chance to see my DM or MIL let alone a man I'm wary of and want to take things slow with.

So he's messaged me this yesterday "No, have you forgotten me? Or have I upset you in some way? I just never get to see you or (DDs name), I miss you both" how can you miss someone you've met once?

So I messaged back saying that I'd been busy as DDs appointments come in waves every couple of months and she has 12 different referrals in to different departments so I'm fairly busy and that my husband also has an on going medical condition that although not serious requires a little bit of skill to organise his appointments around DDs (he organises his own but likes me with him and as I can't be in two places at once it does need my help to sort out). I also work as does DH and I like DD to attend Nursery on the days I've paid for as much as possible.

So he messaged back this morning "Sorry I'm not important enough to make time for". I want to tell him that I haven't seen much of DM or DBros recently because of DDs conditions and leading busy lives. I also want contact to slow down and be at my pace, I'm happy for him to see DD if/when she's available when I am but he needs to fit in with my busy life and things need to calm down a bit. He never messages me unless it's too meet up, he puts the odd comment on my photos but sometimes it seems he'll only comment if DM or MIL do he'll hav guessed who MIL is based on my surname being the same as DHs/MILs and also because DH has her listed as his "mother" on his Facebook in a way of trying to show he's the better grandparent.

AIBU to want things to slow down? and to work for me? Or should I just give DFather what he wants? I do want to have some sort of contact with DFather but do not want it to be on just his terms.

"Unfortunately after 2 emails my DFather thought the process was going too slowly and told me that I either joined my brothers for regular contact or he wouldn't see any of us."

"If he'd have stuck to the court ordered agreement of emails which meant I had time to process what was being said and then write a response we wouldn't be in this position. DM and MIL see DD once a fortnight as a minimum ... my Father wants that too apparently."

Do you see how this is the exact same situation over again?

OP its a worry you feel "obligated" as the oldest child. There is no obligation on your part here. The more I read of your posts the more I agree you should go completely NC once again. And you need some counselling for sure. It seems you haven't told your mum either because you know what she would say.

Back off now before you get sucked in. For your sake and your DDs.

This man didn’t believe you when you told him you were abused.

This man manipulated you and hit you.

Please keep yourself and your daughter well away.

Keep safe.

You don’t owe him anything or need to tell him why.

Good luck - seek help for you but keep him well away he massively failed you as a parent but now you are a mum so don’t let your daughter be failed by him.

I'd be inclined to write something back along the lines of:

You've missed over 10 years of my life and are a virtual stranger to me, and a complete stranger to dd to the point that you have little idea how busy our lives are with her disability. If you are willing to take things slowly and go at a pace that works for us then hopefully we will build a relationship, however if you keep pressing this issue then unfortunately this won't ever work. I can let you know when things have calmed down and we have less pressure on time.

Then leave it in his court. If he kicks off, then go nc again.

My life was better for the 10 years he wasn't in it, but I do feel some obligation as the oldest child.

You don't have any obligation towards him, as the oldest child or as anything. He abandoned you. He abandoned your brothers. He abused you. And now he wants to start mistreating you and your daughter again.

Don't be a glutton for punishment. You did absolutely nothing wrong. He is a bad person.

"Sorry I'm not important enough to make time for".

Response:

No, you're not. I wasn't important enough for you to make time for throughout my childhood. And passive-aggressive texts certainly don't change that.

I'd recommend

outofthefog.website

He is NOT bringing anything positive to your or your dds life you will both be MUCH happier without him in your lives.

OP, you need therapy. Urgently. Please talk to someone. You are guilty of nothing.

I haven't had any counselling no because the GP wouldn't refer me unless I reported it to the police and I'm just no ready to go to the police.

This isn't on at all. Make an appointment with a different GP and get a referral. It is your decision to deal with the police and it's wrong of them to withhold treatment unless you do. A different GP would probably see that - you've been unlucky.

DBro1 (23) doesn't see him at all as he felt that his dad should of tried to have contact with him and DBro2 without me.

This is sensible. You see, it is possible to put yourself first, ahead of what your abusive father wants. Learn from your brother.

God just have zero contact with him.

He physically abused you and didn't believe you'd been sexually abused. Why do you think he will being good things into your life now?

OP, you need to get a few things straight in your mind.

He is not a FATHER. A father loves, cherishes and protects you. Anything less than this does not deserve the label. He is a relative whose behaviour means that he does not deserve the same privileges as the other loving people in your life - your DM and MIL.

You don't owe him anything. I think relationships are like a pair of balancing scales. In your case your side is massively stacked and his is empty.

You are now an adult. He can't hurt him unless you let him. You need to shift the balance of power (which he had) to your side. He needs to hear the word NO.

It's better to have no Father than a totally shit one who sucks the life blood out of you.

Butterymuffin beat me to it. I second, please see another gp. The doctor is treating you very wrongly.

As for your father, it still is and always will be all about him.

Jeebus! He thinks you can just add water and blammo! Instant Father! Fuck that for a game of soldiers. You need to let him know that he has no insight into your life and you will let him in (or not) at a pace that suits you. He may be a lonely old fart but there are reasons for that that he needs to take responsibility for. It is not your job, or your dd's to fill that hole for him.

I think I'm going to ignore the message and lock down my settings on Facebook even further so he can't see/comment on my photos or statuses. I need to take a breather from this and decide on my next move. I'm mad busy between now and end of November anyway with appointments for DD and then it's getting into Christmas stuff as DDs Nursery do loads that I'd like to be part of (Christmas Fayre, Local Schools and Nurseries Advent Calender in shop windows, Nature Walks etc.) and I'd also like to see MIL and DM before Christmas Day.

I think I want to have a chat with DBro1 about how he maintains his distance from our Father and how he puts his foot down about it, I'm sure he'd be happy to help me I'm quite close to DBro 1 but not so much to DBro2. As DBro2 has a decent relationship with him we need to find a way to navigate family events organised by DBro2.

I will also look into counselling of some sort. At the moment I don't want to involve DM as she thought she was rid of my DFather unless he was at our events.

Seriously, why do you refer to him as DFather? He's not your dear father, is he?

Disgusting, violent, child abusing, paedo sympathising abusive scum. Keep the piece of shit away from your child and don’t respond to any of his pathetic attempts to recommence his abuse. You have zero responsibilities to this scumbag, cut the poison out of your life and start trying to repair some of the damge he chose to cause. You can get counselling or CBT, your doctor is entirely wrong. You can tell your abuser ‘go and fuck yourself to death’ or anything you want, you should not respond at all to him, or certainly not like you would respond to a civilised person, remind him-if you feel you must reply to his drivel-of what he is.

Block this specimen on email, his number, Facebook, everything. People like him fucking repulse me to my core.

*Nolonger glad you are listening to advice here, it is not often you get so many unanimous pieces of advice.
To add to what you now intend to do which is all a good start , add to that getting counselling kicked off. There is bound to be a waiting list and getting that process started earlier rather than later seems like a good thing. Rather than starting after Xmas. ( January a busy time for counsellors anyhow so get your name on the list now. ) As I said before you can self refer. You don't need the GP to do it -notwithstanding last GP was a dick.

You really do need counselling OP. Not only to unlock your feelings fomr your childhood, but how you feel now.

You were abused and disbeleived. You feel guilt that you didn't do enough to stop another child being abused. NOT YOUR FAULT.

You feel guilt because he stopped contact with your brothers NOT YOUR FAULT

You feel obliged because you are the eldest? FUCK THAT

He is the one who should be crawling on his knees to you, to be ALLOWED access to you and your darling child.

Oh - and think about when she is older. When he is a 'trusted' person. What do you think he will be doing to her then? Dripping poison, emotional abuse, mental abuse, lies, control, demands; all to make HIM feel better

Is your father mine?! Sounds identical to my situation. I haven’t seen or spoken to mine for over 20 years. He is also of the “woe is me, nothing is ever my fault” narcissistic variety as your dad. My DB got into contact with him a few years back, and it wasn’t long until F started his “clearly you don’t have time for your poor dad” when my DB didn’t dance to his tune and jump through hoops to contact him. Complete disregard of the fact he abandoned us for 20 years. I’ve always been NC with him, have absolutely zero intention of ever having him in my life. I’m 100% positive my life is happier without him in it. I really suggest you do the same. He will never, ever change and your DD deserves to only have loving, supportive people in her life.

The answers have all been provided upthread.

I can't believe you're introducing this piece of shit into your daughter's life.

His nasty pushy replies, which show that he hasn't changed at all, give you the perfect opportunity to say- No, actually, you aren't important enough - and here's why - and that's why it's goodbye. I can see you haven't changed. So fuck off.

How can you even consider letting this hideous creature play grandfather, coming inside your family life, cuddling your daughter with fake kindness using the same hands he smacked you sideways with, when you were no bigger than her?

Sickening.

Good for you, NoLonger.

That sounds like an excellent plan.

Stick to your plan Nolonger.

Keep thinking - ‘I owe you nothing’ whenever he is making requests. ask yourself ‘Do I want this?’.

Please think long and hard whether your little girl would benefit being around him. What is best for her is what you should think about.

What your Father wants is actually irrelevant.

You made the correct choice 10 years ago. Regardless of how well behaved your Dd is in public if this was a concern then she needs to be out of the meetings until you know who he is. Protect your daughter.

"Sorry I'm not important enough to make time for"

WTAF?

Passive agressive manipulation like that gets an immediate delete/block/unfriend/ftfo from me.

Get rid of him. No good will ever come from contact with him.