to ask MN to help me to get my DFather to back off?

[NoLonger]

Backstory: Growing up my DFather was emotionally and physically abusive - would blackmail me into never getting even a trim for my hair, would hit me for slightest thing like forgetting to text my DM on her way home from work because we'd run out of milk. I was also sexually abuse by my DFathers brother when I was 4, at the time I didn't know what had happened being only 4 so didn't tell anyone until I was a teenager. My Parents split when I was 14 because my DFather didn't believe me and backed his brother, my DM believed me though. Contact was ordered through courts for my siblings, but not me as the court felt I needed to rebuild my relationship with my DFather, they asked him with help to send me regular emails, which was then supposed to build up to short visits with the view that by the time I was 16 I'd be on a regular contact agreement like my brothers.

Unfortunately after 2 emails my DFather thought the process was going too slowly and told me that I either joined my brothers for regular contact or he wouldn't see any of us. I remember clearly telling my DM that I wanted to stick to the way things where, so my DM challenged my DFather about it and he cut contact with all 3 of us.

So that was 10 years ago, I'm now 25, I am married and have my own child, who's 2. Neither of my brothers have children yet.

DBro2 (now 21) contacted my DFather about a year ago. DBro2 tells me that DFathers brother is now in prison for sexually assaulting his Stepdaughter so my DFather now chooses to believe me. At the time I still didn't want contact with DFather but told DBro2 that I was happy for him to be invited to his 21st birthday party in May.

Well obviously my DH and DD are at the party. DFather realises that DD is his granddaughter and wants contact with both me and DD oddly enough he wasn't bothered about meeting DH.

I agree to add him on Facebook and change my settings so he can only see certain posts. And we start messaging. Within a day of messaging it turns to "When can we meet up?" "When can I properly meet my granddaughter?" and offering to buy presents for us both.

I agree to one meeting just before DDs 2nd birthday in June which is nearly a month after we start messaging. I tell him if he wants to get her a present he can but don't expect her to run up and hug him gratefully as she doesn't know him. And as we live in a small flat keep it to something small that she's not going to bothered if I relocate it to my DMs or MILs. He was very good and chose a cushion for DDs bed/chair with her favourite TV character on, she uses it as her "naptime" pillow and uses it on the sofa at nighttime when she's at home.

I've seen my dad once more since then on my own without DD. It wasn't always through choice DD is disabled and has at least a couple of appointments a month, attends a private Nursery 2-3 days a week depending on appointments and also my work. Yes I do also work, but often from home so I can be around if DD needs me. I just got busy and haven't had a chance to see my DM or MIL let alone a man I'm wary of and want to take things slow with.

So he's messaged me this yesterday "No, have you forgotten me? Or have I upset you in some way? I just never get to see you or (DDs name), I miss you both" how can you miss someone you've met once?

So I messaged back saying that I'd been busy as DDs appointments come in waves every couple of months and she has 12 different referrals in to different departments so I'm fairly busy and that my husband also has an on going medical condition that although not serious requires a little bit of skill to organise his appointments around DDs (he organises his own but likes me with him and as I can't be in two places at once it does need my help to sort out). I also work as does DH and I like DD to attend Nursery on the days I've paid for as much as possible.

So he messaged back this morning "Sorry I'm not important enough to make time for". I want to tell him that I haven't seen much of DM or DBros recently because of DDs conditions and leading busy lives. I also want contact to slow down and be at my pace, I'm happy for him to see DD if/when she's available when I am but he needs to fit in with my busy life and things need to calm down a bit. He never messages me unless it's too meet up, he puts the odd comment on my photos but sometimes it seems he'll only comment if DM or MIL do he'll hav guessed who MIL is based on my surname being the same as DHs/MILs and also because DH has her listed as his "mother" on his Facebook in a way of trying to show he's the better grandparent.

AIBU to want things to slow down? and to work for me? Or should I just give DFather what he wants? I do want to have some sort of contact with DFather but do not want it to be on just his terms.

You have no obligation to him at all.

Any relationship your borthers may or may nothave with him is entirely their doing and separate from you. If he tries to make it about you, then he is again manipulating and absuing you.

He physically and emotionally abused you growing up. Yet you are buying into this idea that he has some sort of grandparental right to see your DD. He does not. He has no rights- moral or otherwise to be involved with you or your family, and it will only end in tears if you get sucked into his manipulation.

Let it go. Back away. And... your DH is the father of your child? What does he think about this nasty, abusive arsehole being invited into his daughter's life? This man harmed your life greatly. Why invite the vampire over the threshold?

You're the adult, you're the parent. You don't need to be beholden to someone who has let you down so spectacularly.

Personally, I'd point out that he abandoned you as a child.

And, so, whilst he might WANT to have a relationship with you and his grand daughter, you don't NEED to have that.

Behaviour has consequences.

I'm sorry your dad let you down like that. You deserved better.

No, you DO NOT HAVE TO GIVE HIM ANYTHING. Okay, sorry for shouty capitals OP, not intended to cause offence rather to get the point across that you owe him absolutely nothing. I think the first question is what do YOU want? Not what do you feel you should do, or what others expect but deep down, that feeing in the pit of your gut what do you actually want? If you don't want contact, that is absolutely fine. I have no contact with the sperm donor who calls himself a father to me, because I don't want it. He uses emotional blackmail through my sister ("Oh Dad misses you so much, he cries every August and September - the months he first walked away" - and my response is well at least the other ten months he's fine. That may sound cold but it protects me and my family. You are not being unreasonable to protect your family. If this is the case I would be tempted to, by email or letter rather than phone as that gives an opening for him to sway you, explain that you're sorry he feels this way but you've reflected on things and you feel that you no longer want contact, you don't have to give reasons unless you want to. If, on the other hand, you want contact then make time to see him - somewhere neutral like a coffee shop - without your family and tell him straight you want contact but as he didn't believe you, and his behaviour since, this will be on your terms. Set out what they are - is it once a month? Every two months? Make it very clear how much contact he can expect and that if he starts pushing then you will have to step away completely. I'm so sorry for what happened to you OP, it's horrid when the people who are supposed to protect us as children let us down as badly as this, but you're a grown up with family of your own to protect now, and that doesn't include him. It's hard, it really is but you can do this 🤗

DH is DDs father yes, he says he'll go along with whatever makes me happy but does not want to be involved himself, if something happens to DD it's entirely my fault.

Please please remember who is obligated to who here OP.

He is speaking to you as if You have some obligation to him. You. Do. Not.

This relationship- if you want it at all- Has to be on YOUR terms only. Please keep that fixed in your mind every time he wants anything from you.
^
He had power over you and he is trying it again.^

He is just as bad now as he was all those years ago. He wants to be in control and is succeeding by making you feel 'some obligation.'

You owe him nothing. He was the parent. He was meant to protect you. Instead he was physically and emotionally abusive to you, chose to believe his brother over you and then chose to see none of his children because you wouldn't hurry up and get over it all. Seriously, he's a terrible person. I wouldn't want anything to do with him and certainly I would not want him seeing my child.

He is still abusing you emotionally by making you feel guilty as if it's your fault he doesn't have regular contact with you and your child. He needs to look a little closer to home if he is looking for someone to blame. I would stop all contact immediately.

OP- my mother was brought up in an absuive family. When I was growing up she maintained contact with them. I felt very very strongly then- and continue to do so now- that my mother prioritised her family over my well-being.

I am 48. I can never ever forgive my mother for some of the things she put me through as a child- where my needs were put to one side to keep her abusive father happy. Please do not be that parent. Your ONE and ONLY role is to protect your DD.

Have you had any counselling? I am horrified you even think you have any sense of obligation towards him....... you need RL support to help you out of that. You deserve better. Your DH and your DD deserves better.

He'll worm his way into your DD's affections then start trying to manipulate her, as he did you.
He can do that by little notes, texts or emails if it's not possible in person. You probably wouldn't even know it's happening.
You have no obligation to him and your DD definitely has no obligation to him.

I want contact but I don't want it to be all at once. If he'd have stuck to the court ordered agreement of emails which meant I had time to process what was being said and then write a response we wouldn't be in this position.

I originally agreed to try and see him every 2-3 months with messages/emails in between. But he wants more. DM and MIL see DD once a fortnight as a minimum usually ends up being once or twice a week although it's been less recently more like once a month due to appointments my Father wants that too apparently. DBro2 sees him every month but DBro1 (23) doesn't see him at all as he felt that his dad should of tried to have contact with him and DBro2 without me.

He ISN'T important enough to make time for. And this shitty attempt at emotionally blackmailing you shows that he hasn't changed one bit.

Fuck him off.

I haven't had any counselling no because the GP wouldn't refer me unless I reported it to the police and I'm just no ready to go to the police. I feel guilty about Fathers brother as well because had I told someone sooner maybe another child wouldn't have been hurt by him.

Please do not give in to him, minimum contact on your terms only. He’s still being abusive by trying to control the situation, be strong you don’t owe him anything

I'm really not convinced that getting back in contact with him, was in your best interests OP, but of course, it's your call.
He is still a manipulative, nasty man, hoping to gain back control.
In an ideal world, it would be nice, but in this case, I would back off, whilst you still can.

I have a rule to ignore all messages that contain emotional blackmail.

No longer it seems to me that you probably haven't processed all that happened and things are in danger or repeating themselves. Are you aware for MH and yes this counts as MH, in the UK you don't need to be referred by a GP for counselling. I think all regions ( in my area anyway ) have talking therapies on the NHS which you refer yourself to.
Google, then self refer, and use that to determine where you go from here.
By the way bit lame of. DH to leave it all to you, DD is his too, but sounds like he is worried too from what he has said.

In the meantime ignore or push back

DBro1 has the right idea.
Your "father" has no right to push for more contact or for anything at all.
Already he's got you obsessing about him and writing to MN about the situation. It will only get worse.
Get him out of your, and your family's, life.

He blackmailed you into never trimming your hair? Was it the cost he was worried about and was it a form of control? And he hit you.

I think your mum did a great thing in leaving him, and I think it would be a great thing for your DD if you kept her away from him. People don't change.

You don't need to report it to the police to be referred to counselling. Please ask to see another doctor. I think counselling would make you see that you you shouldn't have contact but at the very least it would show you that it if you do choose to, it should be on your terms, with no feeling of guilt involved. You are in control now, not him.

You have a busy life, a child and husband who both have medical needs, a job and a family who have actually been there for you. I don't think you should be prioritising this man at all.

None of this is your fault. You were badly let down by adults who should have protected you.

Have you spoken to your Mum about this? She could maybe help you stand up to him.

He didn't want me to cut my hair because I was apparently ugly with short hair and he wasn't paying for me to look ugly.

Not spoken to my DM no, I think she'd be upset that he's getting to me again.

He’s already gone against the court order? Can you see how manipulative he is OP.

Prioritise your daughter.

He wants the same contact as your as your DM? Who Cares!

OP I can’t stress it enough. Who Cares ?!!

The important thing is what YOU want.

I think you need to tell him the truth, which is that you're struggling with the legacy of his past behaviour, and that it will take time and the gradual building of trust for this relationship to work in the future. You need to make it clear that you are the one calling the shots: tell him that either he needs to be patient and take this at your pace, or he's out.

Op, you have no obligation to this man, and no need to feel guilty about what happened in your childhood. He should have protected you and acted in your best interest. He did not do that then and is not doing this now.
Have a look at the 'We took you to Stately Homes' threads on this website, maybe a read through other people's experiences will help you to understand why you need to take control here.
You have FOG, fear obligation and guilt. It's common to feel that after an abusive childhood. But you are not a child anymore. You CAN take control.
Your GP was wrong about counselling, see another GP. You can also think about counselling from one of the post child abuse charity organisations.
I'm with the pp's, you owe nothing to this man and would be well advised to have no further contact with him.

My life was better for the 10 years he wasn't in it, but I do feel some obligation as the oldest child - you've also gone on to say that your DH doesn't want to be involved. All your posts sound like someone who has low self esteem and is open to manipulation because of what happened to you as a child.

Please listen to the posters here, not one person is saying this is ok. Don't let this monster back into your life and near your precious DD. He hasn't changed one bit. There are other organisations that you can access counselling through, and maybe talk through your situation - this is a really good charity:

napac.org.uk