Hi all, first post here and I’m afraid it’s something of a long one...
(As I’m aware that for many this will probably be too much, the TL;DR version of the below is basically: My in-laws are very controlling and have very different views about the ‘proper’ and decent way that my children –daughter especially- should be raised. My wife usually sides with them as it’s “the way she’s been brought up”. I have been brought up differently and think some of the things they say are utter tripe, and feel that they gang up on me. Help!)
I married my wife five years ago and we now have two beautiful kids who are the centre of our world- a daughter , 4 and a son, 2.
My wife is (and always has been) far too dependant on her parents- she calls/ FaceTimes them at least 5 times every day- other members of my family (and my wife’s uncle) have commented on this. When married, her uncle (a retired vicar) told me “be careful- you know how she is with her parents”. I think this dependancy has got worse since parenthood.
I feel I should set the scene somewhat, so here goes:
My Wife’s parents are well-off. Her Mum used to work in the financial industry and made some “wise” investments I’m told. She helped us buy our house (my own parents were not in a position to help with this)- I pay mortgage, wife pays her mum back as-and-when she can afford it, as whislt I work full-time, she works two days per week (as well as some additional income from home). My FIL is insane. Neurotic does not even begin to describe him. Always worries about potential worst-case scenarios (as an example just yesterday he advised not to put a dishwasher-safe IKEA cup into the dishwasher, in case it overheated and melted the cup- I thought to myself “if the effing dishwasher overheated, we’d have bigger problems than a melted plastic cup”). He also has an extremely short temper and cannot take ANY stress. My MIL and wife usually tread on eggshells around him. As tempting as it is I won’t continue the character assassination here for fear of going off-track.
As well as the helping with our house purchase, my mother-in-law handles all my wife’s finances, completing tax returns on her behalf, and generally advises her on expenditure.
And then there are the annual all-inclusive holidays. We have had lovely times, but I feel indebted to them...
Anyway, the in-laws’ interfering with upbringing of my kids started 4 years ago, around a week after my daughter was born. When changing daughter’s nappy my MIL and FIL double-teamed me out of the blue with “Don’t say bum, it’s not very ladylike- you should say bottom” My wife then sided with them... I was speechless, went bright red, but managed to hold my ground and keep saying bum. Every time they are around (which can be as often as EVERY TWO WEEKS), they continue the “bottom” reinforcement with both my children.
For the last four years things have continued along these irksome, infuriating lines. Far too many instances and examples of their control over my wife, and attempted control of my children to list here, but some more recent examples are: (to my daughter)- “You shouldn’t say I need to go to the toilet, say please may I go to the bathroom”, (my Daughter says something mildy cheeky)- “Don’t say silly things like that (my Daughter’s name)”. Most times I would take my wife to one side and voice my concerns with her parents interfering, and she’d more-often than-not-take their side but we’d agree to disagree.
Last night things came to a head. After bathtime MIL and wife were in my son’s bedroom. I was drying off my daughter which ended up in a tickle, then a play chase with me blowing a raspberry and tickling her when I’d caught her. Giggling, she runs into my son’s room “Haha! Mummy, daddy caught me and prentended to poo on me!”. Her interpretation of these events struck me as hilarious, so I started laughing. At that point I heard a disapproving mutter from my mother-in-law, and my wife called my daughter in to my son’s room. “Here we bloody go then..” I thought.
My wife parroted something that my MIL had said along the lines of “You know, sometimes when people make jokes about poo it’s not funny, and you shouldn’t laugh...”
Flashpoint. I see red (the thought that my wife has assumed that I was miming defecating on my child, presuming the absolute worst of me was too much), and retaliate with how utterly ridiculous that sentence is, and how it’s okay for children to laugh at silly things and be cheeky occasionally. After all, I’m her dad and I was raised in a fun, relaxed way AND words like “poo” and “bum” are even in stories we read to them, and on kids TV sometimes. I’m hardly teaching her to “Eff and Blind” or anything.
More muttering and talking between my wife and MIL, and then something truly astonishing. “But it’s different for girls! Girls should be raised in a more ladylike way! (Daughter’s name) should be raised to be feminine- we want people to like her, and we want (the right) men to want to care for her eventually, don’t we?”
Utterly astonished at this but forcing calm at this point as I realise that our children are still in the vicinity, I say something along the lines of how our daughter is a child, and I cannot believe how archaic and backwards the statement that has just come out of my wife’s mouth is. Our daughter needs to be encouraged to be who she wants to be, to do what SHE wants to do, to LOOK AFTER HERSELF first and foremost. I tell her I cannot believe the utter tripe that I have just heard come out of her mouth.
“You just think we’re posh and are against our views”.
Utter, utter nonsense I say.
All of this has happened within earshot of my MIL, and at this point she either finally realises where I stand on these matters and that I’m not going to submit, or just wants to avoid a major row in front of my kids. We are urged to stop arguing and put the children to bed. I tell my wife that I don’t want to fight. We put our children to bed. MIL goes downstairs.
After kids are sleeping we meet on the landing. I say how we need to chat properly about this, how we never set boundaries before the kids were born and need to meet in the middle somehow.
“Not now” she says, gesturing downstairs (presumably meaning that we don’t want to get her dad involved).
I agree, but say we do need to address this. Also, I say, the way we bring up our kids is between US. The two of US. Not anyone else. She gives a kind of forlorn nod. We go downstairs, and weirdly it’s like nothing has happened. MIL is acting normally, and I’m not sure if FIL is even aware of the argument. I am so mentally tired by this point I just go along with things.
I’m sure that the in-laws will continue to try to manipulate my daughter and kids, maybe more out of my sight for a while.
I also intend to continue this discussion with my wife tonight now that things are more out in the open.
So, I guess my question is “how do I fix this?” I cannot see my wife breaking the dependency on her parents and thinking for herself...
Speaking to my folks on the phone this am my Mum suggested marriage counselling might make her realise the ridiculousness of the situation, but do I really want to go through that?
I will endure anything for my kids, but I really am fed up with the way things are with my in-laws.