To go and stay with my dad

[horsesflybynight]

I have a weird relationship with my dad. We were extremely close until I was about 14, and then my mum died and my dad started behaving very strangely after that and I stayed with my grandma for a bit, then after she died I stayed with various friends.

My dad never seemed very interested in anything that was going on, but he did give me money and he was kind when we did see each other which was usually a couple of times a year.

My dh HATES my dad, because when I met dh I was technicaly homeless. I had a job as a carer and it involved sleeping at the clients house so I was never actually on the streets but had no fixed address. Dh says my dad is pathetic, excuse for a parent, not interested in me, and so on.

Anyway we have a baby. My dad hasn't met him yet and hasn't really shown that much interest. But he did say I could go and stay with him and his partner.

I really want to but Dh says he frobids it. That it's not fair on the baby, that I should focus on our family.

what do you think?

[deepestdarkestperu]

Maybe he did, I mean i would be very unhappy without him.

How do you know that? I'm not saying he didn't help you - he undoubtedly did, but now he's using that to control you. You're his family now because he saved from homelessness. You can't go and see your dad because he didn't save you.

I completely disagree with a PP who said your dad sounds abusive. Heartbroken after the death of his wife? Yes. Distant? Yes, but not abusive. Lots of adults aren't particularly close to their parents due to living arrangements, work etc. that doesn't mean the parent is abusive.

Your dad clearly wants to see you and his grandchild, but as your "D"H won't let him in the house (who the fuck does he think he is doing that, btw?) how else is this supposed to happen unless you arrange to stay with him, or meet up with him outside of the home? His partner sounds unpleasant but at least he still wants to talk to you and maintain some kind of relationship.

I think ultimately, he's your dad and it's upto YOU whether you see him and have a relationship with him. If your DH hates him, then he can stay at home while you take your DS to see his granddad. He doesn't have the right to ban you from seeing your own family (or anyone, for that matter).

[JamPasty]

You know what, I think you had it spot on when you said you should tell them both to fuck off! Don't let your husband convince you you would be nowhere without him. Anyone who can cope with what you went through is clearly a force to be reckoned with. He might (or might not) be right about your dad, but he still doesn't get to tell you what to do.

[Tilikum]

Wow OP, you've really been through a lot of difficult times. As a previous poster said, don't let anybody tell you that you'd be nothing without them. You survived some really horrible things, you are strong.

Your husband sounds hideous; violent, aggressive, controlling. If you want a relationship with your father then that is purely your choice. Your husband constantly reminding you that your dad failed you (he did fail you, but it's cruel to constantly bring it up) is designed to knock your confidence and belittle you.

I really hope you make a choice that's right for you.

[horsesflybynight]

Im still tempted jam!

[IfyouseeRitaMoreno]

And it sounds like he’s using the fact that he was your knight in shining armour to keep you under his control.
You don’t need to be grateful to him forever.
But I wouldn’t bother to chase your father if I were you. It sounds like it could really hurt you if he carries on being non-committal.

I wish I could help you OP. You sound as if you don’t have many people really looking out for you and not expecting anything in return.