To go and stay with my dad

[horsesflybynight]

I have a weird relationship with my dad. We were extremely close until I was about 14, and then my mum died and my dad started behaving very strangely after that and I stayed with my grandma for a bit, then after she died I stayed with various friends.

My dad never seemed very interested in anything that was going on, but he did give me money and he was kind when we did see each other which was usually a couple of times a year.

My dh HATES my dad, because when I met dh I was technicaly homeless. I had a job as a carer and it involved sleeping at the clients house so I was never actually on the streets but had no fixed address. Dh says my dad is pathetic, excuse for a parent, not interested in me, and so on.

Anyway we have a baby. My dad hasn't met him yet and hasn't really shown that much interest. But he did say I could go and stay with him and his partner.

I really want to but Dh says he frobids it. That it's not fair on the baby, that I should focus on our family.

what do you think?

[IfyouseeRitaMoreno]

And it sounds like he’s using the fact that he was your knight in shining armour to keep you under his control.
You don’t need to be grateful to him forever.
But I wouldn’t bother to chase your father if I were you. It sounds like it could really hurt you if he carries on being non-committal.

I wish I could help you OP. You sound as if you don’t have many people really looking out for you and not expecting anything in return.

[horsesflybynight]

Im still tempted jam!

[Tilikum]

Wow OP, you've really been through a lot of difficult times. As a previous poster said, don't let anybody tell you that you'd be nothing without them. You survived some really horrible things, you are strong.

Your husband sounds hideous; violent, aggressive, controlling. If you want a relationship with your father then that is purely your choice. Your husband constantly reminding you that your dad failed you (he did fail you, but it's cruel to constantly bring it up) is designed to knock your confidence and belittle you.

I really hope you make a choice that's right for you.

[JamPasty]

You know what, I think you had it spot on when you said you should tell them both to fuck off! Don't let your husband convince you you would be nowhere without him. Anyone who can cope with what you went through is clearly a force to be reckoned with. He might (or might not) be right about your dad, but he still doesn't get to tell you what to do.

[deepestdarkestperu]

Maybe he did, I mean i would be very unhappy without him.

How do you know that? I'm not saying he didn't help you - he undoubtedly did, but now he's using that to control you. You're his family now because he saved from homelessness. You can't go and see your dad because he didn't save you.

I completely disagree with a PP who said your dad sounds abusive. Heartbroken after the death of his wife? Yes. Distant? Yes, but not abusive. Lots of adults aren't particularly close to their parents due to living arrangements, work etc. that doesn't mean the parent is abusive.

Your dad clearly wants to see you and his grandchild, but as your "D"H won't let him in the house (who the fuck does he think he is doing that, btw?) how else is this supposed to happen unless you arrange to stay with him, or meet up with him outside of the home? His partner sounds unpleasant but at least he still wants to talk to you and maintain some kind of relationship.

I think ultimately, he's your dad and it's upto YOU whether you see him and have a relationship with him. If your DH hates him, then he can stay at home while you take your DS to see his granddad. He doesn't have the right to ban you from seeing your own family (or anyone, for that matter).

[horsesflybynight]

He's not even 60 yet so I don't think he's near dead

Also not sure how interested he is, but he's the only family i have.

[RavingRoo]

Your dad sounds abusive tbh. He’s only interested now because he’s realised he’ll die without seeing his grandkid. That’s no reason for you to let him into your life. Your dh is right, if he cared he would have been more reliable.

[horsesflybynight]

heebie, tbh we didn't really talk much after my mum died, he was never around, drank a lot and then i went to stay with my grandma and I cared for her as she was very frail and old. Then she died and I was staying in her house for a bit when I was at college.

My dad is really hard to get hold of, he doesn't have a mobile and so you can only ring the landline where he lives. He goes on holidays a lot and so he was away for weeks sometimes months at a time. Then he has a partner who hates me as much as dh hates my dad so I can only ring the landline when she's not there (this is once a week when she's always out.)

So we dont really talk.

deepest dh definitely sees it like that. He likes feeling like he "saved" me. Maybe he did, I mean i would be very unhappy without him.

I don't work now I've got the baby. But I used to.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Your 'D'H is a controlling arse.
He is doing all he can to isolate you from friends and family.
Do NOT let this happen.
Go and visit your Dad.
Make sure you have regular visits and contact with all your friends.
Believe me - they will be there long after your 'D'H has gone.
Do you have access to money?
Do you work?

[deepestdarkestperu]

My guess is your dad found it bloody hard to be a parent when his wife died. And if the sexes were reversed, I imagine there'd be much more understanding for a woman torn apart by the death of her husband.

Your DH sounds awful - controlling, angry and cold. If I were you, I'd ditch the husband and go and rekindle your relationship with your dad. Who is your husband to say that you can't have a relationship with your own father?

I get the impression that your DH feels as though he "rescued" you from a shit situation and now he's uncomfortable because you're happier and stronger, and willing to make your own decisions that don't involve/include him. I would expect him to ramp up the control if you "defy" him over this. Tread carefully.

[Sprogletsmuvva]

Good grief. I can’t imagine a situation where a wife falls apart with grief after her husband dies and the response to her now grown-up DC is “Well clearly she was/is a shit mother that didn’t/doesn’t care about you.” No, I don’t know how much grief was responsible in this situation ...but neither does anyone else here.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Having been abandoned by your father in a time of need is awful. I imagine you are hoping he can be a good grandfather and you will bond over that. Maybe you want to show him how well you've done in he end.

I rather suspect you will be disappointed, however, you are allowed to make mistakes.

What's the worst that would happen from visiting your dad? You'd be angry and disappointed at his lack of interest in you and the baby perhaps? No harm could possible come to the baby.

So I would say this is the time to follow your DHs lead:
it's like his way is the high way and all I am allowed to do is complain about it and he'll listen for a set amount of time and then be like do it anyway
Do exactly the same, let him complain, list for a set amount of time and then be like do it anyway.

No serious harm can come of it so he's being unreasonable to try to stop you in any serious way.

What would happen if you said you were doing it anyway because you need it for the sake of you MH and no real harm can come to you or the baby?

[HeebieJeebies456]

I meant where was he for YOU - his child......
Why have you never had this conversation with him?

[horsesflybynight]

He was rightby her side when she died. He said she opened her eyes for the last time then and looked at him. I believe it. He cared for her when she was ill.

But Iknow he was a bit shit. I just can never work out if he was never actually bothered about me anyway, or if he was but then stopped loving me when she died, or what.

Dh won't let me go and everyone thinks it's right. I just feel like it might not be.

[FizzyGreenWater]

This is going to be one of those threads where the answer turns out to be not really related to the question asked...

OP your husband sounds worryingly controlling and I think you are on the verge of realising it.

[HeebieJeebies456]

My dad wasn't a shit dad when my mum was alive, he covered for her
So where was he when she died?
Where was he when your grandma died?
Why didn't HE step up and BE a dad when you needed him to be?

If I ever see anybody from the town I grew up in they say what a lovely man he was, how they wish that he was their dad
Do they know he abandoned you after your mum died?
You said yourself you had to lie and beg people for something as basic as having a shower

Nobody in their right mind would want a dad who behaved like that.
These people don't know what happened behind 'closed doors'.
Harsh and as awful as it sounds - people used to say the same about Savile and Rolf Harris too until the real dirt of reality all came out.

I'm not saying your dad is a paedo, just that these strangers don't actually know him well enough to be making those judgements.

[horsesflybynight]

I can't have therapy, anyway.

[WolfieInTheWoods]

Go and stay with your dad if you want to.

There's one person who sounds abusive here and that's your husband. He is emotionally controlling you.

It sounds as if your dad did neglect you, but this may be tied in with how he was grieving for your mother.

I'm sorry that you had to go through this as a child. But you're not a child anymore- if you want to stay with your dad, do it

[HeebieJeebies456]

I don't want to go to therapy or anything. I feel as though I don't want to open that door again. I just want to focus on all the Good things I have now.

It sounds to me like you don't have a clue what is actually 'real' or even understand yourself well enough to make the best decision for you.
You have to deal with the bad stuff first in order to make healthy choices.

He can be controlling. I never used to notice, but now I do and I don't know why
Too often we end up making bad decisions when it comes to choosing a partner/being in a relationship because of the damage done to us as children.
It's easy to see why you'd end up in a controlling, co-dependent relationship - which is what you're describing.

Therapy is meant to help you understand yourself better, so you can feel empowered to be strong and make the right choices for you.

Otherwise you will just keep making the same mistakes over and over again because you don't know how to recognise red flags.

[horsesflybynight]

He lives a long way away from where we live so I'd have to stay with him - it isn't really a journey you could do in a day especially with a baby.

[WellThisIsShit]

Do you have to stay with them? Probably better for you to stay nearby if you need to, and do a short visit.

Maybe that would be a good compromise for your dp?

If his ‘forbidding’ comes from wanting to protect you from any hurt, then I’d talk to him and explain that you appreciate his protective instinct, but that you are an adult and you need to make your own way through this.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Ugh OP the more you type about your DP, the worse he sounds

[horsesflybynight]

remain I can understand that, it's hard because he's right in a way but I also feel it's not his decison to make and like he might be taking advantage of the situation in order to try and sound reasonable when actually he's working it to hisadvantage. He's done this before to me and I hate it as although he's right it doesn't mean he's always right.

[horsesflybynight]

About clothes I wear, and things I did before I knew him, and he always says things like "good thing I came along or else you would have been a mess" (not those exact words, but like "you would have been in jail / you would have been on the streets / you would have been raped." It's like he thinks he rescued me. Maybe he did. I mean, I can't believe I have a husband, home, baby, it's all I wanted, so maybe I should be grateful.

[RemainOptimistic]

I'm in a similar position with my mum. When DH met me I was a broken shell of a human being thanks to her. Obviously DH doesn't want me to get into that state again. I won't because I've grown up a lot and set boundaries moved away etc. But for DH the memories are a lot clearer of how messed up and unhappy I used to be. DH has tried to forbid my mum from our house and for me not to visit her etc. I say to him I understand you're trying to protect me but it doesn't work like that. In my DH's eyes by having contact with my mum I always end up upset afterwards and it's him who has to comfort me. He's sick of it all. Which I can understand. But ultimately it's up to me to have contact with her if I choose to.

Can see it from both sides really.

Have you been able to say to your DH e.g. thank you for trying to protect me but I need you to support me while I deal with things in my own way ? That sort of acknowledgement of how he has helped you while also gently reminding him it's your choice.