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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About living in a house my fiance shared with his ex?

27 replies

QueenofTarts · 15/04/2007 17:31

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littlelapin · 15/04/2007 17:33

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paros · 15/04/2007 17:36

mores to the point how does the ex feel about it . She might not be expecting it and this could cause some big rows . Hope not you have had a great time so far it would be a shame for it all to go pear shaped . Best of luck .

RubyRioja · 15/04/2007 17:43

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Original poster
QueenofTarts · 15/04/2007 17:43

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Original poster
QueenofTarts · 15/04/2007 17:45

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RubyRioja · 15/04/2007 17:45

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RubyRioja · 15/04/2007 17:45

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KaySamuels · 15/04/2007 17:53

Congrats queen of tarts on your engagement
Don't know your whole situation but it sounds like you both have kids? I'm assuming his kids are currently living in the house with his ex?

If so this opens up more situations to think of such as his children's views on you and their dad living in the family home, who would get which bedrooms (your kids, his kids,etc).
If it were the two of you you could gut the house and do it all up as your own but the kids will always view it (rightly) as their house and may resent you for it.

I'm not saying don't go for it but it is something else to bear in mind while you are making the decision.

fryalot · 15/04/2007 18:00

queenoftarts: could you decorate the house to your taste? would that work?

Original poster
QueenofTarts · 15/04/2007 18:02

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snowwonder · 15/04/2007 18:06

i agree with kaysamuels about the children...they might be miffed that there dad + new wife and your child move into there house and they only get to visit... think they would be a bit put out... unless i have read wrong and they will be living with you...

lots to think about
but if you ant an answer to my question then i dont think you are being unreasonable i wouldnt want to move in there,

KaySamuels · 15/04/2007 18:08

Hi squonk - just plodding along tbh, still not been to docs and am being an avoiding recluse in general! Thanks for email so sorry I didn't reply to it but I was so overwhelmed at how kind you were.

Hmm queen of tarts, does he not want to lose the nice house his kids grew up in? If it is finally under offer it is like the end of a chapter in his life. Even being fantastically in love with you he will still feel sad about his kids. Hope that makes sense!

....I'm a bit rambling today, hope you can make sense of all that!

KaySamuels · 15/04/2007 18:09

Less rambly version... same as snowwonder, no you are not being unreasonable, I would not want to move in either.

giddyfeet · 15/04/2007 18:20

I can see his point and see why he doesn't want to miss such a good financial opportunity. However, it will be your home too and you have to feel completely at ease in it, which you evidently wouldn't if you took this route. I am on your side about this, I would insist on moving somewhere new if thats how I felt.

MrsApron · 15/04/2007 18:25

Nope would hate it. Kids would find it weird as well I think.

Your Dd would have one of their rooms no?

Wouldn't like to referee that one oh no.

mytwopenceworth · 15/04/2007 18:28

nope. i wouldn't do it. but i won't go to brighton because my dh went there a million years ago with her (ex fiancee that he dumped well before we even met and who i have never set eyes on but hate hate hate totally irrationally) so i am probably not going to give you any sensible input.

Oblomov · 15/04/2007 18:31

I totally understand. I moved into dh's house. There was no fiance or wife before me. But I still felt it was his. Mind you, since our marriage and my name on the deeds and decoration, I do now feel like it is my home too - our home - a feeling that I could never imagine me having, at the beginning.

paros · 15/04/2007 19:13

Hey maybe it wasnt exs dream house maybe it was his dream house thats why he wants to keep it . Financly(big sp ) it makes sence to keep it . Its wether you can cope with it . On a side note if you bonked like crazy in every room would that make you feel like it was more your house . LOL

squeakybub · 15/04/2007 19:27

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Original poster
QueenofTarts · 15/04/2007 19:31

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crokky · 15/04/2007 22:28

Don't know if you are still reading, but FWIW my step mother moved into our old family home with my father. I (and my sibs) moved out to live with my mum in a new house. This was a long time ago, I am now in my twenties and it is still wierd when I visit because I grew up there mainly with my mum (whilst my dad was at work) and now my dad and step mother are living there. Same house, different rules! They have redecorated, but it hasn't made any difference to me. I wish that they had bought a different house and made a fresh start. I still wish that they would move house as it is so wierd going there.

Also, your feelings about the place you live in can impact your general wellbeing quite a lot so you need to be happy about it if you are going to do it.

Rachmumoftwo · 15/04/2007 22:43

You are not unreasonable at all. Yes moving into that house may be good financially, but can you shake the feeling of being in 'her' home? If the answer is no, don't do it. You may end up feeling unhappy and resentful. I am all for a fresh start myself!

Original poster
QueenofTarts · 16/04/2007 08:00

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Buffyfan123 · 16/04/2007 14:08

I think if you can afford it then a fresh start is the way to go (you obviously wouldn't have estate agents costs or stamp duty to pay if you moved into their house though). Having said that my dh moved into my house with me and my dd that I had bought 3 years previously with my first husband. I know he would prefer a place that was totally ours, even though he has now lived here longer than my first husband did. Sadly we can't afford to move and schools now tie us to this very area !

hoolagirl · 16/04/2007 14:12

TBH it really wouldn't bother me, was nearly in that situation permanently but we eventually got a 'fresh start' .
To me a house is a house and i'll make it my home.
I do understand though that I may be in the minority here but perhaps all your DP thought was good house, why not that one?