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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bf ex

30 replies

Taz14 · 05/11/2017 19:41

AIBU to find that my bf makes out he's single to his ex? She has 2 girls by him aged 13 and 14. They were in a relationship for 2 years. I've been with him almost 2 years and he constantly makes it he's single to her. When I ask why.. He says to "not rock the boat". Why would any boat be rocking because he's in a relationship with me? He says he thinks she will stop him seeing his kids if she knew he was in a relationship. I'm so confused by this. We live 40 miles apart and they live about 15/20mins away from each other. I'm not asking to meet them or be another mother figure in their lives. They have a brilliant mother already. He doesnt answer his phone if it's the ex when he's with me. Reply to messages either when with me but then won't answer a call /text from me if he's in any of their company kids or ex. It just seems strange.
I give the girls gifts for birthdays and Christmases but he gives them those as if from him because of the whole "you're a secret". They've not been together for 12 years! Why would it matter now? I tell him how confused I am about it and that I don't understand why she would do that but he just sticks by his excuse. I've asked him if he's cheating on me or that if I'm the other women. He just acts baffled why I would think like that. Am I missing something here? At our 6 month point I introduced him to my kids and their (my kids) father did the same with his relationship also... No problems. I'm so confused 🤔

OP posts:
crazycatlady5 · 05/11/2017 19:44

Hmm this doesn’t sound good. They literally haven’t been together for 12 years what is he playing at? I would put your foot down and say if he wants out that’s fine but if he wants to proceed in a serious relationship after TWO YEARS tou want to be included in his girls lives.

DonkeyOaty · 05/11/2017 19:46

I don't know. He's being mindful of the impact a girlfriend could have on his relationship with his children. Quite admirable really.

You're not on the same page though, which I can see is frustrating for you.

Have you asked his long term intentions?

TheNaze73 · 05/11/2017 19:48

I get it entirely, he’s protecting the relationship with his kids. Some ex’s react badly to new partners

Original poster
Taz14 · 05/11/2017 19:55

He wants marriage down the line with me. We are moving in with each other mid next year. I say she's gonna know then. He said.. Well if she stops me seeing then well so be it. (eh? Even more confused)

We've just come off a family holiday with his family and he's told all them his intentions with me (marriage) and they find it confusing the kids don't know of me. They assumed the kids did.

OP posts:
Cheeseontoastie · 05/11/2017 20:03

I get it entirely, he’s protecting the relationship with his kids. Some ex’s react badly to new partners

^^ but they've not been together for 12 years!!

WeirdAndPissedOff · 05/11/2017 20:06

How wI'll the kids feel when they find their DF has had a "secret" relationship all this time? Especially if they will find out either when you move in, or shortly before - they'll have no time to process it.
I agree with him not telling ex or the kids straight away, and I can understand his concerns, but if he intends your relationship to he a serious one (and it does sound as thoigh he might) then they really need to know sooner rather than later.

crazycatlady5 · 05/11/2017 20:24

I get it entirely, he’s protecting the relationship with his kids. Some ex’s react badly to new partners

After a few months perhaps but 12 YEARS? No excuse for that and surely she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on if it went to court (assuming he pays his way etc). You can’t just decide to stop your kids seeing their dad without a legal right. I mean you can but he could fight it.

Mrsmadevans · 05/11/2017 20:27

I suppose he is thinking the girls will be old enough to be able to decide to see him on their own accord and his ex won't be able to do anything about it then .....

Original poster
Taz14 · 05/11/2017 21:13

I forgot to add.. He NEVER had his kids on his own. Always with the kids mom but he's happy about that.
Because I'm such a secret... For my birthday he had to let me down with our plans to help her with food shopping for the heavy lifting items because she couldn't do it on her own. (she was arranging a family get together so she went to Costco). As much as I let things slid... That hurt. 🙁

OP posts:
Cheeseontoastie · 05/11/2017 21:30

Are you sure they are not back together?? Really sounds too dodgy

Maelstrop · 05/11/2017 21:32

I'm sorry, OP, but he's still pandering to her. The children are old enough to make up their own minds and get to him without help. He needs to stop lying to his dc and disentangle himself from his ex. There was a very sad thread on here a while back about the DP going off to take his grown up dd to uni, ignoring the dd he had with new partner and constantly being round his exs house.

1DAD2KIDS · 05/11/2017 21:43

There are some ex's out there who can get vindictive, spiteful when their ex enters another relationship and use the kids as a weapon (especially if they are the primary carer or sole custody). Or some simply see a new gf as a threat to their status as mum. He probably knows her well and if she is this type. If so he could be protecting both his smooth access to the kids and protecting his kids from exposure to the damage waring parents can cause.

I remember my ex when we where married used to say if I ever caught you cheating I'd make sure you never see the kids again. Some people (as per the Jeremy Kyle Show) are both a little unhinged and think nothing of using the kids as pawns.

1DAD2KIDS · 05/11/2017 21:44

He does need to stand up to her as this can't go on. Sound like she has full control of him

1DAD2KIDS · 05/11/2017 21:48

crazycatlady5 altgough sometimes appeasement can seem easier than a costly and draining legal battle that both takes it out on you and the kids. Plus as the no resident parent feels like she has both most of the cards and plenty of time to manipulate the kids against you. I wonder if this ex is minipulative and controlling.

WhatwouldAryado · 05/11/2017 21:48

He just is not invested in his relationship with you. For whatever reason. Unless he's just all ab out the drama? I had an ex who used to make out there was some difficulty for his girlfriend's in meeting me because I was his first love. I met a few and eventually became close to two. They both said he'd said something similar to them . He just lived for a bit of angst.

NachoAddict · 05/11/2017 21:50

Its been 12 years, why would the ex give a stuff who he is dating?! Has he not had a releationship in that time?

I don't think all is as he says and would hazard a guess they are still seeing each other.

PippaSqueaks · 05/11/2017 21:55

Are you sure they're not still together and you're the affair? Have you been to his house? Stayed over etc?

I see you've met his family, which seems to suggest your relationship with him is legit, but the rest does sound off.

PippaSqueaks · 05/11/2017 21:59

It also sounds irresponsible to discuss marriage with anyone when you haven't even been introduced to his kids. You'd be a HUGE part of their lives and neither of you know what your relationship will be like with his kids.

AnUnhappyStudent · 05/11/2017 22:04

I had this. It was because he had another gf and just used the ex and kids as an excuse why he couldnt see me. He told his other gf the same thing!

deepestdarkestperu · 05/11/2017 22:05

Sounds to me like they’re still together.

Afternooncatnap · 05/11/2017 22:11

Did they break up for good 12 years ago. He hasn't been intermittently going back to her. That would explain why there would be tension.

All sounds a bit fishy. The dumping you on your birthday to help her shop. Only seeing his kids with her, maybe if they were babies but not as teenagers. Not answering your calls when with them and visa versa. He could just leave the room. If they have really been split up all that time ex surely wouldn't question who he was speaking to.

LittleOwl153 · 05/11/2017 22:14

As one of the kids in this scenario, many year ago, I'd say he us playing a very dangerous game. His kids will find out (especially if his family now know) and they will hold it against him AND YOU OP. Its not possible to 'keep two lives separate' and it's taken 25 years for my relationship with my father to BEGIN to recover.

TemptressofWaikiki · 05/11/2017 23:40

Sounds really fishy to me too. You seem to only have his word that they are actually separated. It sounds like you are the OW without being a willing part in all of this. After 12 years, this isn’t protecting his kids. That is preposterous! They are not tiny kids. The only logical reason for them being kept in the dark, like his so-called ex, is that they are still together. Even perhaps not living together full-time. Personally, I'd set an ultimatum that his kids know you are in his life. I would however be fully prepared that this could mean a split. But I would need to things to be above board.

fc301 · 05/11/2017 23:51

Either
A) she’s nutty as a fruit loop or
B) he’s fucking her
Sorry.

KC225 · 06/11/2017 00:00

He's still married/with her