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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to start a family just to break the loneliness?

56 replies

JammyGem · 05/11/2017 19:41

DH's career means he works most evenings, and all big events - Bonfire Night, Halloween, Christmas, New Year's Eve etc.

We moved recently and I've really struggled to make any friends. I have bad anxiety but even when I make a big effort and really try with people it just seems people don't really like me. There's a few people at work but I'm not really close enough with them to meet up outside of work.

I'm just so sad that all the "big" days and events that I used to love and look forward to are just spent sitting on my own at home. I have no friends, and I'm too scared to go to something on my own.

If we started a family then at least I'd have company, and maybe through having a kid I could meet other people.

It's so pathetic that the only solution I can think of is to have a child just to stop me feeling so lonely and worthless, but I just wonder if it would actually work. And if it didn't, then I'd be so selfish and disgusting for creating a life for purely selfish reasons.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I'm just so lonely and sad and I haven't stopped crying all this evening. I just wish I wasn't so alone.

OP posts:
Chocness · 05/11/2017 20:25

Just read your last post. I think your first priority must be to learn to drive. That sounds essential to me otherwise it will be very difficult to maintain any new relationships let alone start any new ones. I was also wondering if exercise classes would help too. Don’t give up on the volunteering just because you’ve had one not so great experience at it. Sometimes these things take a couple of tries before you meet like minded people.

Original poster
JammyGem · 05/11/2017 20:25

This sounds stupid, but how can I find out things to volunteer at in the evenings? Everything I've found is looking for people during the day... Any ideas?

OP posts:
crazycatlady5 · 05/11/2017 20:28

I have been on maternity leave for a year and it’s been one of the best years of my life (obviously) but I have felt very lonely ALOT of the time. It’s hard work, tiring and you do most of it alone. And even then I have DH coming home every night, it sounds like you would be looking after the baby on your own most of the time.

Do think it through.

Have you thought about going on friend hook up type sites? A bit like dating sites really but for pals! I think bumble or happn (dating apps) actually have a friend option! You might be anxious but you’ll be meeting up with people who are also lonely.

I understand how you feel as I used to have terribly low confidence in social situations and I actually moved jobs to a big company where I met loads of great people. I have no idea what you do for a job though so not sure how feasibile that is x

Chocness · 05/11/2017 20:29

I found my volunteering via our local parish magazine. Not sure if you have those where you live but I’ve also seen lots of volunteering opportunities on a volunteering website for our county. Just google “volunteering near me” and it should come up with a few websites to get you going.

Original poster
JammyGem · 05/11/2017 20:32

I thought that sounded a great idea, learning to drive. I've been meaning to do that for a while now anyway.

But fuck. I didn't realise how expensive instructors are. I mean, we're much better off since the move but not that much better off. I don't think I could afford it.

How the hell do young people afford to learn to drive nowadays?!

OP posts:
peachgreen · 05/11/2017 20:34

Ah I really feel for you OP. I’ve had both parts of your circumstances (DH working unsociable hours and moving to a place I don’t know anyone) but never at the same time, and I found that hard enough! Where are you based? I bet there would be some Mumsnetters who’d be happy to meet up for a cuppa.

crazycatlady5 · 05/11/2017 20:34

@peachgreen agreed! If you feel confident enough you should post your area Smile

PlaymobilPirate · 05/11/2017 20:37

Find the money op... then you can get to things (are there any MN meet ups near you? ) and visit your family. I don't drive but I don't need to - public transport is great where I am.

Does DPplan on staying in his job forever? Would he look at a career change?

Having a child? If you both feel ready go for it... driving will enable you to get to baby groups etc too

HeebieJeebies456 · 05/11/2017 20:40

how can I find out things to volunteer at in the evenings?

Ask at your local churches, the ones near me run soup kitchens for the homeless on different nights.
If you look online for community groups they could give you more info, your library etc.
The Samaritans near me also have volunteers who will visit sick people at home or in hospital, some visit the elderly for whom this would be the only other human contact they have.
Pet shelters are worth trying, some let you take the dogs out for walks too.

TheABC · 05/11/2017 20:42

They typically take one lesson a week with their instructor and then get driving practice (where possible) in a family car in a deserted car park with an adult driver! I passed my test by saving up and doing an intensive course. You can also shave money off the learning time by opting to learn an automatic, although this does limit your options in the future.

Short term, consider some online clubs and hobbies- learn a different language, write a novel, take up wine making. When you have young children, hobbies are big luxuries - just being able to use the bathroom alone is bliss! So whilst you do sound desperately lonely, you also have the gift of time.

If othing else, keep talking on here.

DaisyRaine90 · 05/11/2017 20:47

Driving will prepare you for when you do have kids too. Wish I’d learnt pre children. It’s time consuming and expensive when you have dependents and so much easier pre kids and I am struggling to manage without one.

DaisyRaine90 · 05/11/2017 20:47

Maybe a soup run? They run in evenings x

DaisyRaine90 · 05/11/2017 20:47

Local colleges run lots of evening classes too x

Original poster
JammyGem · 05/11/2017 20:49

I'm not sure if there are any mumsnet meetups in this area - I would have to check. Is it OK to go to them even if you don't have children though?

I'm a bit nervous about giving my exact area, but I can say I'm in North Yorkshire.

I don't think DH would have a career change - he's a "classically trained" chef so has been doing it since catering school when he was about 15. It's literally the only career he's ever known and he loves it. I couldn't take that away from him.

OP posts:
Purpleforest · 05/11/2017 20:50

How about getting a paid part time extra job in the evenings? In a bar? Restaurant? They're quite sociable places to work. Or whatever there is local to you. Then use the extra money to pay for driving lessons

brrrfreeezy · 05/11/2017 20:53

Yes another one who says having dc could make you miss dh at important events more, not less. If the problem is missing adult company, having dc is a very long term fix...

I do agree about trying your local mumsnet meet-ups.

I do wonder about syncing up your schedules - it seems to me that ultimately it’d be better for you both to work similar hours.

LetsSplashMummy · 05/11/2017 21:07

The homeless shelters/ soup kitchens in my city are especially keen for volunteers during these events as they try and make it a bit special for their users. That might be a good place to start with volunteering.

You can usually hire dual control cars, if you think your DH could teach you to drive without you both reaching for the divorce papers!

People probably do like you but you are so nervous of coming across keen that they think you aren't bothered. If you can't swap numbers and make plans when you've just moved to an area and don't know anyone, when can you? Go for it!

Borrow my doggy? For the local connections and the people you'll meet on walks?

House4 · 05/11/2017 21:14

Great idea to get evening work to keep busy and use that money for driving lessons! Once you can drive you can see family easier. This will help so much too when you do have children Smile

Mittens1969 · 05/11/2017 21:50

Learning to drive is expensive but it’s money well spent! Once you’ve got your license you’ll never regret having spent the money for the lessons. It will make your life so much easier when you have DCs.

Meantime, voluntary evening work, for example a soup kitchen, would be very rewarding and will bring you into contact with new people to become friends with.

LostForNow · 05/11/2017 22:01

I think yo need to work on your mental health before having a baby. Your anxiety and fear of going places on your own. Having a small baby can be incredibly isolating if you won't go to groups etc.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 05/11/2017 22:03

I wouldn't fancy having children before a driving licence unless I lived in a very well connected place with a lot on the doorstep.

Would youth volunteering appeal? I help with one and as a bonus, other leaders are happy to babysit which is a lifeline in the absence of local family.

I've found my best friends through activities. Enjoying the activity itself tends to be a helpful starting point.

glow1984 · 05/11/2017 22:14

I agree with PP that you should learn to drive. Find the money somehow. Even if you’re only doing a couple of lessons a month, that’s something.

If you have a baby, you will be even more isolated, particularly as you don’t drive. And babies aren’t very exciting initially, so I wouldn’t bank on any great company to ease the loneliness!

I speak from experience. I don’t drive so DP carts me around, or I spend hours getting to places. I am now hoping to drive by end of March so that I can be more independent. We had hoped I would learn before we moved into the arse end of Kent, but that wasn’t to be!

PidgeonSpray · 05/11/2017 22:26

All human procreation is selfish so don't feel any worse than anyone else in that respect!!

The issue is that you could have a kid and still be lonely and be even worse as you'll have no support by the sounds of it.

Will he not consider changing his career? Does he feel lonely also?

museumum · 06/11/2017 17:03

Try guides or scouts for evening volunteering?
Usually local, and often the other leaders are well connected in the community.

MargotLovedTom1 · 06/11/2017 17:08

I was also going to suggest getting a bar job.