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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about lazy DH?

72 replies

SureJan · 05/11/2017 12:26

I got up early this morning with the baby. DH rolled out of bed at 11:30, which I was fuming about. He said I should have woken him up sooner if I was so mad about it.
AIBU to think it's not my job to wake him up? He's a grown man who is surely responsible for getting himself out of bed at a decent time, why should it be up to me to make sure he's up & dressed?
Plus, as a father he knows that one of us has to get up with the baby, clearly he assumes that's going to be me every single morning.
I set an alarm each morning to give myself time to shower/dress before the baby wakes up, so then I'm ready for the day. As a grown up, surely he's capable of doing the same once in a while?
Or am I being petty & cutting my nose off to spite my face? Should I have just woken him up when I wanted him to get up?

OP posts:

Original poster

SureJan · 05/11/2017 22:42

I'm a bit surprised actually about people saying he's not a mind reader - surely you don't have to be a mind reader to know that if you're hogging all the lie-ins you're being unfair & your wife probably wants one at some point.
We're very lucky that baby is sleeping through now but when he wasn't it was always me who got up in the night with him, FWIW (fair enough through the week when DH was working).

OP posts:

CornyCollins · 05/11/2017 22:49

I totally, totally get you Op. why should you have to spell it out? I hate it when my DH assumes the whole “do nothing unless specifically asked/instructed” approach. It basically makes it somebody else’s job to sort them out. I agree, you are not his mother.

Set your fucking alarm man, have some consideration and get your arse out of bed without needing to be told every time!

PippaSqueaks · 05/11/2017 22:49

He's not your child so why would you make it your job to wake him up? Why not just have a discussion with him where you each agree in advance which day at the weekend you each get a lie in, and leave him to it on his day to set his alarm etc.

I do understand why you feel hurt though. You want him to care enough without being prodded into wanting to do something nice for you. After all it's how we show love for each other.

My DH is a wonderfully kind person most of the time and sometimes when he's very busy he gets tunnel vision and exists in his little bubble and I need to remind him that I still exist and need attention and help. It used to infuriate me, but now I just tell him how I feel and he gets it.

WonderLime · 05/11/2017 22:50

What do you want him to do? Do you want him to set an alarm (would that wake you too)? How are you being woken up? Do you wake naturally? Do the DC wake you, and you are more 'aware' of them?

I EBF so do all the night feeds - therefore I am always entitled to a lie-in should I wish to have one. However due to EBF, I am more 'aware' when DS wakes, so I have to nudge DP to get up, he will take him away and I will go back to sleep.

Eminado · 05/11/2017 22:52

Just sometimes feels like I care about him more than he cares about me

I feel like I could be good friends with you OP (spirit animal)

I seethed for 3 years with DC1

I soon learnt with DC2

It is time for you to toughen up. Try these phrases:

“I am tired, you need to get up with the baby tomorrow as I am sleeping in / going to have a nap”

“I am going out - I will feed before i go/ i have fed”

“It’s time to wake up”

Original poster

SureJan · 05/11/2017 23:04

CornyCollins, that's exactly it. No one has to wake me up in the morning & remind me I have a baby to take care of, so why does he get to play dumb & pretend it's not his responsibility?
I set an alarm through the week, at weekends I usually wake up when baby does.
I just want him to think 'it'd be nice for DW to have a lie in for a change, I'll get up with baby in the morning'. Not just assume it's not his job.
Or even, set his alarm for say 9am so that he still gets a lie in but doesn't totally take the piss.
I do ask him to do stuff/help out with baby & he never refuses, but then he'll point out that he's shattered or not feeling too good or he's had a busy day - then I feel like a massive nag & wonder if I'm being mean, & it's just easier to do it myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

SureJan · 05/11/2017 23:38

Thanks Eminado, I'll definitely try those phrases and be a bit more assertive!

OP posts:

CornyCollins · 06/11/2017 07:02

Yup, agree entirely! I HATE that whole "I'm so tired" bullshit. YOU"RE TIRED!!???

My DH never admitted to having slept well, always "a got a little bit of sleep" like I would suddenly rain down all the chores of hell onto him if he admitted to having got some sleep. Weird, childish behaviour.

It took a few years and some serious rows before he eventually got it. I even heard him giving advice to one of his friends who was a few years behind us on the child front and he was asking "but when was the last time you ran your wife a bath? Or gave her a lie-in?"......I swear I spat my tea out....

Therealslimshady1 · 06/11/2017 07:06

On certain days: elbow him in the side say "it's your turn", then go back to sleep.

He may not fancy getting up.early and showering before baby wakes but that is his choice.

Therealslimshady1 · 06/11/2017 07:16

With your daily alarm setting and routine you have taken charge of the situation, so no wonder lazy DH feels it is not his job. He KNOWS you have set the daily alarm/are in charge.

With babies, do not be a martyr. Been there done that tried that, does not work.

Be clear in your expectations by saying to.him:" tomorrow you get up with the baby, I am not setting the alarm by the way. Night night"

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 06/11/2017 07:45

We do as BellyBean does (and others) and take it in turns - lie in ends by 9am. If there's only one lie to be had I get priority as I'm the default overnight parent (21 mo gets up sometimes and needs/wants a feed and 3.5 yo likes to sneak into my side for cuddles and kicking me in the spine)

11.30am is far too long a lie in unless agreed in advance for a special occasion eg night out or a designated "lazy day". If DC have a nap after lunch it's 2.30pm before you can do anything and it's dark at 4.30pm!

TammyswansonTwo · 06/11/2017 08:42

FFS. He doesn't need to be a mind reader to know that his child will wake up early and someone needs to be up for them. He's just assuming it's her. My husband does that "why didn't you wake me up?" thing sometimes and it really winds me up, but then there are plenty of times when he gets up early or gets up in the night so it's not as much of an issue (although I did all the night wake ups last night and still woke up first this morning which has pissed me off!)

Original poster

SureJan · 06/11/2017 09:59

Yeah that's another one he always says, 'I didn't sleep well last night' - HOW? Our 4mo baby is sleeping through, he's an absolute dream, we couldn't have it any easier! If DH is SO tired then you'd think he'd be out like a light as soon as his head hit the pillow. I don't buy it!
I agree that I'm being a martyr & not helping myself, it's just sad that I have to nag & moan at him before he'll pull his weight. If we were both like him & both did whatever we wanted whenever then god help baby.

OP posts:

TammyswansonTwo · 06/11/2017 10:30

Good lord. My 13 month old twins haven't slept through ever, and wake up at different times through the night, and we definitely don't get to lie in until 11:30 ever. He doesn't know he's born.

Threenme · 06/11/2017 16:53

You sound like u don't actually like him!

Original poster

SureJan · 06/11/2017 17:34

Of course I like him, he's my husband & I love him. But I'm allowed to be pissed off with him when he's not pulling his weight.

OP posts:

mustresistwine · 06/11/2017 17:49

One of the few perks of step-parenting is that it is always DP’s turn to get up

Sorry OP, that’s not very helpful! I would be cross too but I would deal with it by speaking to him directly and either asking him to get up with you or to alternate the lie ins & make life more fair.

BackforGood · 06/11/2017 23:18

'I didn't sleep well last night' - HOW? Our 4mo baby is sleeping through, he's an absolute dream, we couldn't have it any easier! If DH is SO tired then you'd think he'd be out like a light as soon as his head hit the pillow. I don't buy it!

Really OP ? You think the only reason people don't sleep well is because a baby wakes them up ? Honestly ? You truely think everyone who isn't disturbed by a baby sleeps soundly for their allocated 8 hours a night?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/11/2017 23:23

If you've got up every time and let him sleep until 11.30 every weekend and have never said you objected or suggested he could do the mornings then he could be forgiven for thinking you don't much mind doing it.

Original poster

SureJan · 06/11/2017 23:26

BackforGood, fair enough but my point is, what would he be like if baby was hard work? He hasn't really got anything to moan about.

OP posts:

stella23 · 06/11/2017 23:54

*Yesterday 22:42 SureJan

I'm a bit surprised actually about people saying he's not a mind reader - * I agree with you, it's fairly obvious that Someone needs to get up with the baby, and he's assuming it will be you, or you will take the responsibility of waking him.
My Stbex was/is like this. And he would say 'you should have asked it woken me' I did and you moaned and didn't get up, but that's another story.

I really feel for you and he's not pulling his weight, and for my relationship it was part of a whole imbalance of attitude.

Ex now sleeps on the sofa, My dcs are older now and I send them downstairs every single weekend morning without any guilt that he doesn't get a lie in, but now I do.

Sashkin · 07/11/2017 01:26

If he is a heavy sleeper like I am, he won’t wake up unless he’s woken up.

Even though I get up in the night for DS, I am dead to the world between 6am-9am. Actually it’s probably because I have been up all night. Anyway. DH either gets up with DS, or he wakes me up. I don’t mind which really, but I don’t wake up spontaneously.

If DH waited for me to want to wake up, he’d be waiting a long time because it’s not something under my control. There's no active decision to stay in bed on my part, I’m just fast asleep.

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