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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about lazy DH?

72 replies

SureJan · 05/11/2017 12:26

I got up early this morning with the baby. DH rolled out of bed at 11:30, which I was fuming about. He said I should have woken him up sooner if I was so mad about it.
AIBU to think it's not my job to wake him up? He's a grown man who is surely responsible for getting himself out of bed at a decent time, why should it be up to me to make sure he's up & dressed?
Plus, as a father he knows that one of us has to get up with the baby, clearly he assumes that's going to be me every single morning.
I set an alarm each morning to give myself time to shower/dress before the baby wakes up, so then I'm ready for the day. As a grown up, surely he's capable of doing the same once in a while?
Or am I being petty & cutting my nose off to spite my face? Should I have just woken him up when I wanted him to get up?

OP posts:
happypoobum · 05/11/2017 14:09

I feel like I'm 'testing' him every weekend to see if he gets the message this time

Fucking hell, have you tried talking to him? This sounds ridiculous and very childish.

Do you generally find it difficult to have communicate with him effectively? Why would it be so hard to negotiate that you take it in turns?

If I thought I was being "tested" in this way I would probably stay in bed until 3pm.

GreenTulips · 05/11/2017 14:14

You really need to have a conversation

I used to get satrudays DH sundays
Sometimes if I woke I'd leave him in bed, sometimes when he got up he'd go back to bed when I woke up

There's ways round it - but unless you say you're unhappy he won't register it

Davespecifico · 05/11/2017 14:14

It doesn’t matter whether OP chose fester or of she had chosen to wake him.
The issue is that he has no sense that he is an equal parent. Like many men, he thinks that if he were to take part in childcare he would be helping rather than doing what he should be.
You won’t change him ever.

Sunshinegirl82 · 05/11/2017 14:16

My DH gets up with DS every morning (I do night wakes) but I have to wake him up because he can sleep through DS crying at full pelt in the same room (I genuinely don't know how!) I'd just wake him up to be honest.

falange · 05/11/2017 14:17

Tell him you have to take turns. When your alarm goes off wake him up. You go back to sleep. Job done.

Coolaschmoola · 05/11/2017 14:19

The thing is - he's asleep, therefore has no idea what time it is and isn't making a conscious choice not to wake up. Yet you aren't waking him and you haven't said anything.

Unless something wakes him, be that the baby, an alarm he's set because it's his turn, or you it's not exactly his fault that he hasn't woken up spontaneously.

My DH would happily sleep until lunchtime at the weekend. This doesn't work for me so I wake him up on his day and leave him on mine.

The problem isn't him sleeping - it's a lack of communication.

Original poster
SureJan · 05/11/2017 14:28

I'll just wake him in future, and yes obviously we need to have a conversation about taking it in turns to have a lie in, should have done so ages ago but I guess I've been too busy playing the martyr.
I still think it beggars belief though that I have to ask him to get up (he can't/won't just do it for himself?!) and that I have to ask him if I can have a lie in (he can't just be a decent person & realise for himself that he's being unfair?!)

OP posts:
sausagerole · 05/11/2017 14:36

My DH is nearly always the one who wakes up first with the kids. He's a lighter sleeper and I often don't even stir when the kids come in, he's an earlier riser anyway and I need more sleep than him in general.

Because this is the 'default', I expect him to make it clear when he wants a lie-in and am happy to get up instead. I just need him to make it clear,as I don't see the point in getting up early if he's happy enough to supervise (though, I'm talking about an 8/9am lie-in rather than 11:30 - that's taking the piss a bit!)

Davespecifico · 05/11/2017 14:36

You shouldn't have to ask him. He doesn't ask you, he assumes you will do it because you always do and it's your job as a woman.

Ask away, but it's going to be an uphill slog. He will not suddenly see the error of his ways.

sausagerole · 05/11/2017 14:42

Dave, it isn't always to do with someone being a woman. See my post...

Butterymuffin · 05/11/2017 14:49

He won't offer, so don't be a martyr, tell him you want a fair split. Each of you gets one lie in every weekend. I would say you will take Saturday as yours, as then if he doesn't manage it for some reason Hmm you can claim Sunday instead. Be prepared to actually wake him up, send him downstairs with the baby, then stay in bed yourself, even if you're awake by then. You can read or MN or go back to sleep - the point is not to be up and 'on duty'.

deadringer · 05/11/2017 14:50

We always took it in turns to have a lie in and it worked well but my dh had the attitude that if you lay in it's a waste of the day, where I loved a lie in, especially after a busy week at work . Pre kids he would get up early tut tutting about me wasting the day, then he would sit watching TV in his pj's all day Hmm while I would enjoy my lie in then get up and dressed and actually do something. From what I read on here it seems to me that a great many women would be waiting forever if they waited for their dp to spontaneously step up and be a decent, equal, parenting partner.

babyboomersrock · 05/11/2017 14:54

I still think it beggars belief though that I have to ask him to get up (he can't/won't just do it for himself?!) and that I have to ask him if I can have a lie in (he can't just be a decent person & realise for himself that he's being unfair?!)

I agree OP. It sounds as though you're the adult in the relationship.

He obviously sees no need to organise himself, to put you first sometimes, or to take equal responsibility for this baby he's helped create. I'm amazed that so many women continue to accept this - apparently it's their job to ask their man for support, and then they're supposed to be grateful when he deigns to "help out".

Good luck, OP. You're going to need it Flowers

tinypop4 · 05/11/2017 17:22

Why didn't you just ask him to get up with the baby? What's the point in fuming about it for hours just tell him you want a break and he needs to get up.

GreenRut · 05/11/2017 19:36

You don't need to ask him anything. You just say 'I'm going to be sharing the weekend lie ins with you from now on - which day would you prefer your lie in next weekend?'. That's that.

WalkiesPlease · 05/11/2017 21:58

Why don't you try not 'testing' your husband and instead having an honest conversation with him?

'I'd like it if we took it in turns having lie ins/if you got up earlier to help out with the baby'

All you're doing here making yourself the martyr by not telling him what you want and then getting pissed off at him for not being able to read your mind. Yes, he should be taking initiative and getting up before 11.30 but seeing as he's not, I think you should tell him what you want from him. YA(both)BU.

Wishingandwaiting · 05/11/2017 22:00

Look, he’s not perfect. Who is?
If he’s a thoughtless twat in other areas of life, then yes, this may well just be the icing on the ale and I get your frustration.
But if he is otherwise a decent good thoughtful father and husband, don’t bloody fester. Just say you’re sharing lie ins from here on.

I never used to take bins out. Ever. Ridiculous. It was something I’d grown up with my dad doing. Never thought about it until my other half pointed that it would be nice if we shared the job, and a lightbulb went off. Of course it could be! From that day on, we shared. Daft but true. Sometimes people just don’t think and need a gentle nudge.

I get a real sense that you don’t think very highly of him in general though and really are angry at him.

Wishingandwaiting · 05/11/2017 22:02

Yes the “testing” is an odd approach to a marriage.

I suspect that week weekend when he fails these “tests” you are then in a grim mood for the remainder of the day.

OP, life is too short.

BackforGood · 05/11/2017 22:05

YABU for 'fuming' for hours.

Just grow up and have a conversation about it.

WonderLime · 05/11/2017 22:12

Out of interest, do the PPs sharing lie ins share night care/feeds?

NapQueen · 05/11/2017 22:15

wonder in our case yes.the one lying in gets up through the night. That has always been the case, but now ours are 3 and 6 we have max one wake up a week between the two of them.

GreenTulips · 05/11/2017 22:15

We shared night feeds, twins, no other option, one person just couldn't do it. It was either a baby each or a double feed depending on waking times

Prusik · 05/11/2017 22:20

I'm also going to echo what pp have said. If you don't communicate your expectations then he's not to know. 9/10 DH gets the lie in in this house because once I'm awake, I'm awake and want to get up for breakfast, etc. But on the flip side, I try to take time out at other times of the day. We're not 100% equal but during the week I take time out when Ds naps so it evens out

Parker231 · 05/11/2017 22:24

One lie in each at the weekends. If he won’t get up at a decent time you need to get on with your day - no need to stay in waiting for him. Who gets up during the week - if you’re back at work, you should take it in turns during the work week as well.

Original poster
SureJan · 05/11/2017 22:34

I know 'testing' him is dumb & I should just tell him what I want, as he isn't going to take the initiative himself. I don't really think I'm the one that needs to 'grow up', but the majority of responses indicate IABU so I accept my approach must be wrong.
On the whole he's a good husband/dad, just a bit thoughtless sometimes. I was just really pissed off with him this morning & needed to rant.

OP posts: