To think my mum is being abusive to DD?

[OuiCestVrai]

I'm a student and single mum to DD who is nearly 2 years old.

I'm doing an internship 2 days a week alongside my studies. I previously had DD in nursery full time but have cut back because it would make more sense to stay with my mum than to travel 60 miles/2 hours to my workplace.

My mum has agreed to take care of DD whilst I go to work but just this weekend I have witnessed some very questionable behavior from my mother and I'm thinking of putting DD back with a childcare provider.

1. She overfeeds DD in front of me and from what my brother has told me, behind my back. I have DD on a healthy diet with little to no sugar. My mum offers biscuits and cakes to her.

1. DD is still bablimg but sounds are starting to sound like words, and she loves talking. My mum ignores her, or just says "yeah" when DD speaks instead of joining in with a conversation.

1. My mum also spends a lot her time staring at a screen and ignores DD. I'm worried that DD may climb on something and hurt herself whilst my mum continues to stare at screens all day.

1. My mum screams at DD for drawing on walls, telling her she's naughty instead of keeping pens out of reach or supervising her because she's too busy with her screens.

1. My mum threatens to smack DD when she can't deal with her whining. Or tells her to be quiet instead of figuring out what she wants. I know this because my mum watches her whilst I do coursework at home so I can hear them.

I don't want her to loon after DD unless she changes her approach. I've spoken to her about it but she tjinksnim trying to cause an argument. She doesn't see that the way she os treating DD is not how I want things to be. I think in some ways she's treating DD as her child instead of my child.

I'm considering replacing her with childcare to save on money and time for me, even though I'm doing an unpaid internship for the next year.

Am I tight in thinking my mum is being abusive in some ways?

She's not parenting as you would wish so put her in a nursery or s child minder where they can't threaten smacks.

Not sure i'd go as far as saying it's abusive but I definitely wouldn't be leaving my child with her i'm afraid. The initial thing of her not sticking to your request on feeding etc just shows a total dosregard for you as mum.
The ignoring DD & not engaging would also put me off tbh; aside from the lack of supervision that comes with it, your DD is going to feel very isolated & alone.

Pay for your childcare.

Not abusive, but as you don't like it, just pay for childcare instead.

Yeah pay for childcare. Point 5 maybe is a bit of a wince but your other points are seriously eye roll worthy.

If you don’t like your free childcare then pay someone to do it

Points 1-3 you are being a bit precious about. Point 4&5, are not abusive but are not good care. If DM won't change then you need to pay for child care.

To be honest she sounds like a typical mum from 30 odd years ago - not abusive but if it's not what you want you will need to go elsewhere.

But it is probably the way she parented you....did you turn out ok...do you feel your childhood was awful??

Children were left far more to their own devices and were expected to learn what they could and could not touch and smacking was common. As I say if you do not like it you will have to go elsewhere as your mum will probably not feel like she is doing anything wrong.

Not abusive. Except the smacking of course. Has she ever actually smacked her?
She's minding her not parenting her. It's 2 days and she's doing you a favour. A play pen would help in terms of not worrying about dd hurting herself.
If you have an issue then use childcare.

Put her back into childcare. You clearly are not and will not be happy leaving her with your mum.

I’d pay for childcare. It doesn’t sound like your mum wants to do it. She is behaving as if your child isn’t there and then getting angry when she is actually required to do anything.
If she does actually want to look after your dd she might be open to a conversation about changes she needs to make. It’s quite common these days for people to be absorbed in sm etc and not giving their kids optimum attention. She might just need that pointing out. And I’d let her give your child the odd biscuit. Yabu there imo.

Pay for childcare

I wouldn't want my dd in this environment. Doesn't sound very nurturing.

Find a lovely nursery or alternative care

I wouldn’t say abusive but I would say she isn’t putting your DDs needs first and it sounds quite lazy. I’d arrange childcare as it doesn’t sound like your mum is going to change.

Point 3 -5 not good for a child. Pay for childcare. I hate seeing children trying to get their parents attention when staring at a screen. Ok occassionally but not regularly in the day.

Think your mum will be relieved too

It's a massive ask of someone to do so much childcare. If she has her just the odd day for fun they would probably both enjoy it more.

Back in childcare.

Leaving DD with DM is not worth the risk is it? Don't wait for smacking to take place before you act to protect your child.

Not abusive, but not want you want for your DD. I think it will be difficult to broach though. You may have to make put you are doing your mum a favour and moving your DD rather than confronting her.

Not abusive no but I wouldn't like it either.
Rather than complain that your free childcare isn't to your liking just put her back in paid childcare.

And I agree 2 full days a week plus watching her at home while you study is a big ask if someone who doesn’t particularly seem to want to do it.

Your mother isn't a childcare professional so if you want your child in an environment you approve of....get a professional to look after your DD.
Your mum isn't abusive, she just doesn't know how to deal with a child properly.

No, not abusive at all, careless yes. Just put her back in paid childcare.

number 5 is dodgy, otherwise not really - diet is a difference of opinion, your daughter shouldn't be drawing on walls. pay for better childcare.

What are you expecting from this lengthy first post on MN?

Your mum is not going to change so you need to put DD in childcare. My mum used to look after my eldest when she was tiny but I ended up putting her in nursery because I realised my mum looked after her in a way I didn't agree with. But actually she did things pretty much how she had raised me and my sister. I imagine your mum looked after you and your brother the same way. It sounds more like a difference of opinion about parenting than abuse (but screaming at a toddler or threatening to smack her obviously isn't pleasant).