To think my mum is being abusive to DD?

[OuiCestVrai]

I'm a student and single mum to DD who is nearly 2 years old.

I'm doing an internship 2 days a week alongside my studies. I previously had DD in nursery full time but have cut back because it would make more sense to stay with my mum than to travel 60 miles/2 hours to my workplace.

My mum has agreed to take care of DD whilst I go to work but just this weekend I have witnessed some very questionable behavior from my mother and I'm thinking of putting DD back with a childcare provider.

1. She overfeeds DD in front of me and from what my brother has told me, behind my back. I have DD on a healthy diet with little to no sugar. My mum offers biscuits and cakes to her.

1. DD is still bablimg but sounds are starting to sound like words, and she loves talking. My mum ignores her, or just says "yeah" when DD speaks instead of joining in with a conversation.

1. My mum also spends a lot her time staring at a screen and ignores DD. I'm worried that DD may climb on something and hurt herself whilst my mum continues to stare at screens all day.

1. My mum screams at DD for drawing on walls, telling her she's naughty instead of keeping pens out of reach or supervising her because she's too busy with her screens.

1. My mum threatens to smack DD when she can't deal with her whining. Or tells her to be quiet instead of figuring out what she wants. I know this because my mum watches her whilst I do coursework at home so I can hear them.

I don't want her to loon after DD unless she changes her approach. I've spoken to her about it but she tjinksnim trying to cause an argument. She doesn't see that the way she os treating DD is not how I want things to be. I think in some ways she's treating DD as her child instead of my child.

I'm considering replacing her with childcare to save on money and time for me, even though I'm doing an unpaid internship for the next year.

Am I tight in thinking my mum is being abusive in some ways?

@Basecamp21
To be honest she sounds like a typical mum from 30 odd years ago

So 30+ years ago most parents would have overfed their children, screamed at them, ignored them and threatened to smack them?

Good and bad parenting occurs in all generations. I certainly didn't parent my children like that.

OP - put your child back into nursery. It might not be classed as abuse, but it isn't what you want for her and it isn't worth the arguments.

You already know the answer.

Pay for childcare. Your ways of parenting are too different.

Fwiw, I wouldnt class that as abusive at all.
When she is at nursery, she will have cakes and biscuits (my dcs had more there than at home)
Your dd needs to learn not to write on walls even if pens are at hands. Same of a lot of other ‘naughty’ behaviours.
The lack of communication and trying to understand her would be more of an issue for me.

Fwiw it is also possible that the two days is actually too much for your mum. And that she is struggling with giving attention to your dd all the time, as you wouod do, so is tuning out some of the time...

The biscuits and cake thing is pretty standard for grandparents - I think if this was the only thing you were concerned about you’d be being very harsh. But the other things are really worrying. I would pay for childcare.

Giving a child a biscuit and disciplining them, for writing on walls is not abusive - it's may not be ideal in your eyes, but then you are relying on a woman who no doubt hoped looking after a toddler was long in her past for free childcare.

Has the man who got you pregnant got any money to help pay for childcare? I'm afraid you have put yourself in less than ideal circumstances stances for bringing up a child, so either put up with the non-5 star perfect parenting you get for free or find some money To pay for childcare.

What worries me about this thread is the number of people who think this is an acceptable way to treat a 2 year old baby. No, it isn’t abuse per se, but it’s bloody shit “parenting”. OP, get her back in childcare ASAP. Does your college not have a subsided nursery or crèche?

Bit rich to use an online forum to complain about her being on screens!

I don’t think anyone’s saying it’s acceptable just answering the question right at the start.

Some of this sounds like generational differences but nevertheless dd would be better off in nursery.

Are you my SIL?....reminds me of MIL!

She won’t change, will be back to tip tapping on candy crush when your back is turned. Paying for childcare is the only option I’m afraid.

Not exactly abusive but you think it is, and if that is the case you yourself are being abusive by leaving your DD there.

I would not leave a dog with this woman.

Get your little girl away from her and see if you can get a childminder. A childminder may be cheaper than a nursery. (Not sure though. Just check some prices of local minders...)

You say in your long first post that your nearly 2 year old is babbling.

Most DC at that age would be doing more than babbling.

But I agree with PP. if you’re not happy change your provider

Load of shit that mums 30 years ago were like this.

It was nearly the 1990's then for fuck's sake!

Points 1-3 are you being precious. Absolutely not abusive in any way. Point 4, I would question whether she is actually screaming at DD or possibly just raising her voice in telling her off. I rather suspect the latter in the context of the overall post. Point 5 certainly isn’t wonderful and I would take issue with it myself but it really isn’t anywhere near what I would call abusive.

Bottom line is that your mum is clearly not providing the type of childcare you feel is acceptable so you need to put your DD in a childcare you pay for.

I didn’t notice that but that’s a good point. At your dds age kids typically have a large vocabulary of understandable single words and most will be starting to form 2 word sentences like ‘milk please’ or ‘me tired’. I would mention this to your hv if you haven’t already op and I agree that your dd would be much better off in a language rich environment where she is being interacted with rather than ignored.

You have to leave your child with someone who shares your parenting values - this clearly does not include your mother. Simply move her to nursery/childminder or whatever.

Yes your Mum is not up to expectations in her care of your DD. But you have a massive cheek expecting to use your Mum as an unpaid childminder and staying with her too.

You are an adult with responsibility for a child and should step up to the mark and stop relying on other folk's generosity and then whining when they do it wrong. I wouldn't call it abusive. . Pay for childcare and then you can call the shots and even then there are no guarantees.

30years ago, when my friends and I were parenting our children, we were not linked to our phones and tablets 24/7, ignoring babies for online interactions. Oh, that’s not all young mothers today? OK.

30 years ago, when my friends and I were parenting our children, we were not linked to our phones and tablets 24/7, ignoring babies for online interactions. Oh, that’s not all young mothers today? OK.

Yeah damn right it's not all young mums that do that.

And not all mums 30-40 years ago were bad either!

What the hell is this 'we were better mums then' and 'we are better mums now' crap!

Many women now are loving and caring mums who interact with their kids as much as any mums did many years ago.... Some a lot more actually!

I used to know some mums in the 1970's, 1980's and 1990's who dumped their kids on the grandparents while they fucked off out nightclubbing.

And I know some young mums now who do it. This 'them and us' mentality is pathetic! Mums were not better (or worse) 30 years ago. And they are not better or worse now.

People need to stop making it some kind of ridiculous competition. As I said, I knew some atrocious mums 30-40 years ago, and some amazing ones 30-40 years ago, and I know some atrocious mums NOW, and some amazing mums now!

@NovemberWitch

30 years ago, when my friends and I were parenting our children, we were not linked to our phones and tablets 24/7, ignoring babies for online interactions. Oh, that’s not all young mothers today? OK.

Yeah damn right it's not all young mums that do that.

And not all mums 30-40 years ago were bad either!

What the hell is this 'we were better mums then' and 'we are better mums now' crap!

Many women now are loving and caring mums who interact with their kids as much as any mums did many years ago.... Some a lot more actually!

I used to know some mums in the 1970's, 1980's and 1990's who dumped their kids on the grandparents while they fucked off out nightclubbing.

And I know some young mums now who do it. This 'them and us' mentality is pathetic! hmm Mums were not better (or worse) 30 years ago. And they are not better or worse now.

People need to stop making it some kind of ridiculous competition. As I said, I knew some atrocious mums 30-40 years ago, and some amazing ones 30-40 years ago, and I know some atrocious mums NOW, and some amazing mums now!

To be honest she sounds like a typical mum from 30 odd years ago
No she doesn't.
What an odd thing to say.

no this is one mum from trillions.just like there will be someone sitting with a most adoringly fantabulously well behaved mother who does everything perfectly perfect and is all yum!!
goodness me!
it wasn't to me like she was a bad mum.just totally and obviously has different techniques to you.and this makes it wrong but doesn't make it abuse.
smacking to some parent were and still is acceptable.
you may have missed a hug or nice words.you weren't there for it all so try not to go on all you witnessed.but that being said what you did see was totally NOT ON for you so that too is you as your dd mother your right.
how was she towards you as a mum.youve got caring and loving ways.some must have come from your own mum?
if this is the way she is now then I'm sorry.
maybe to save your own relatinships save for childcare.look locally for more homebased carers.they're are lots of mums now getting trained to have their own home baby and toddler care groups.might be cheaper and more comforting for you.

"To be honest she sounds like a typical mum from 30 odd years ago"

Utter bollocks.