Wtf do I do

[ComingUpTrumps]

I'm so fucked.

Wtf do I do?

Have had a bit to drink (with friends) but now on my own - so this has maybe made me feel quite down.

No fucking luck with applying for jobs.

A couple of years ago, I graduated from a degree at Oxbridge (would prefer not to specify which one) to get a good job and to get some validation from people close to me. And I haven't got validation from it or a stable job (I currently work part-time and am job-hunting, and also feel ridiculously nervous and self-conscious around close friends and the few friends I have - most now live far away from me).

Seeing a counsellor at the moment, but it's quite a structured approach, so I don't feel like I can talk about exactly what's been bothering me when I come to each session. I really think my counsellor is great though.

Just would really like a bit of a handhold please.

OP I can't help much with the job hunting etc but with regards to opening up to the counseller I found when I was having therapy a big break through came when I emailed her. I started with one small thing and was able to wrote a novel almost! I could open up far more in written word than spoken so could that maybe help? Once my issues were out in the open I could get the advice and help really I needed :)

ComingUpTrumps "I really want to be happy and successful. And I don't know if it's possible. Is it?" Yes, but it does depend what you want to be successful at?

You said you wanted "...to get a good job and to get some validation from people close to me" I guess part of your counselling is to work out what your family are not giving you, and the things you need and how to get them.

If you are working part time, what do you do with the remaining time? Could you do voluntary work in your chosen field?

nationalcareersservice.direct.gov.uk/

Good luck.

Also struck by how you somehow feel that you do not deserve confidence. I think this is a real syndrome created by places like Oxbridge where you swim around these incredibly phenomenal people, who appear (and I think this is critical) to have massive confidence. Some of them do have inbuilt confidence but I think if you dug a bit, many of them will also be experiencing some existential crises.

Also I think this is a female phenomenon (assuming you are a woman?) I was hearing the other day that for job applications women will assess the requirements and think - oh I don't have the experience for this, or i couldn't do that. Whereas men typically just go - sure thing I could do that. There's probably a value in being realistic about your qualities, but at the same time, often we should just go for things we are somehow assuming are above our capabilities. .

Believe me, you deserve to be confident. I am sure that you have all kinds of skills and intelligence that a lot of people would love to have. But of course, I realise that my just telling you on the internet will not magically mean you believe me :-)

"Samaritans won't think I'm weird if I ring will they?"

Of course not, they are there for everyone who calls.

Join the political party, go to meetings, volunteer. Do everything locally. Get on the panel for council elections, be a councillor, help everyone you can. Be great at copywriting, be available, chat with constituents, get petitions going, be in the papers. Be nice, don't get involved in bullshit. Take on lost causes just because it's right. Be stupidly organised, paper trail everything, hold people to account, be a mother to the people that make decisions.

Keep up enough paid work alongside this to get by.

Whether or not you make it to the house, you'll have a wonderful time.

Ffs. MITHER. Not mother.

OP, you could kind of be me back in the late ‘90s. Except that tutoring wouldn’t have been it: call centres and factory work was what I did.

With the benefit of many years of hindsight, I’ d say the important thing is not to get too sucked into work as identity.

...and remember that your current tutoring IS succeeding in your career goal of helping people, and it uses your uni skills.

Look up ‘catastrophic thinking’ and the strategies for stopping yourself from doing it. You sound like you’re a champ at it, and you don’t have to be. Bring it up with your counsellor.

But do all that tomorrow after a good sleep, rehydration and an envigorating shower! Good luck.

I was you 10 years ago, Oxbridge and massive existential crisis age 25. I felt like I should be 'sorted' by then and like I was being left behind by my high flying peers. What advice would I give to myself now? Go travelling, or volunteer abroad, take advantage of working part time here to.volunteer for causes you are passionate about. 25 is so young. It may not feel like it, but you are privileged to be an Oxbridge graduate and a uk citizen, irrespective of Brexit. Stop comparing yourself to others and focus on what YOU want to do. It doesn't have to be paid. Doing vol.work will open doors towards paid work if it's the right area for you though.

Just because you graduated from oxbridge doesn't mean you're special or really that relevant there's thousands of people in your situation. Are you sure you're being realistic in the jobs you're applying for

The stable job which you find satisfying and enjoy may not be the same job that would gain the validation from the people close to you.

Am I right in thinking that you come from a family with high expectations?

I had early academic success (in comparison to my family) and also made a balls up of my first attempt at teaching (couldn't manage bad behaviour). I worked in a canteen, a garden centre and then office jobs for a decade which were much more within my comfort zone and I enjoyed the social side of my working life, though did periodically feel like I was wasting my education. I was lucky not to have to deal with family or social circle expectations though.

Returning to work after having children, I found my vocation in my 30's. I started slowly, very very part time, gradually building up my career as the children became more independent.

You are still very young. Try not to compare yourself with other people. And be proud of yourself for earning a wage and gaining experience while keeping on with the job search.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer Sat 04-Nov-17 21:44:17
Sorry no advice as I’m thick as fuck but I’ll offer a hand hold

Haha. Same here. That really did make me laugh, appreciate your honesty, lol.

I can tell you one thing, but it may not be helpful to you. In America, they hold Oxbridge degrees in EXTREMELY high regard. They've never seen anything so old or prestigious. That bit of paper could get you just about any job you want over there, I'd imagine, and your accent will get you treated as an absolute genius*. You can talk utter bollocks in the most rural accent and Americans just go all dreamy. It might be a place to start, if you're interested in massively changing your life?

*I mean NO insult to Americans, by the way. I spent many years there, and I really love America and Americans, but... be honest, you know it happens!!

There is a lot of pressure in your twenties.

Well meaning parents say "I just want you to be happy".

This can mean unhappiness=failure to meet minimum expectation.

Your twenties are hard. All the crap about happiness, purpose, friends, sex etc - is pernicious.

You have a degree from a good university and you are young, so you have ability and time.

Meditations of Marcus Aurelius and the stoics are good.

Throw yourself into something 'worthwhile' that requires lots of energy but not much academic skill or intellect, you'll feel better for it. Opportunities to use your academic skills will arise naturally and you'll know when to step in.

Oh, and take classes in Argentinian Tango.

If your interested in politics/public service the Houses of Parliament have just opened their grad scheme - might be worth checking it out? Good luck - I didn't start down my career path until I was in my 30s - life is normally long and you have time to work out what you want to do

Just because you graduated from oxbridge doesn't mean you're special or really that relevant there's thousands of people in your situation. Are you sure you're being realistic in the jobs you're applying for

To be honest, I don't know walnutwhip, although I do think I'm being fairly realistic - I'm applying for entry-level jobs, so I don't think I'm applying for jobs that are overly ambitious.

When I was 25 I was in the same position as you. No real job, living with parents in my tiny childish room after 3 yrs as a student and working for 3 yrs in my uni city afterwards. I had no car and couldn't drive and reaching 25 hit me really hard - a quarter of a century and no real life to speak of. I decided to save up and do another degree, mine was in teaching, and now (I'm 32) I kind of feel like things are beginning to work out. I'm renting, I have a gorgeous cat, a job I (mostly) enjoy and I can drive, but it took time step by step. I promise things will work out eventually it's just in this economy it takes longer. Sending and understanding hugs.

Tell your counsellor what's troubling you. It is normal for someone to present with one issue and once they have established a therapeutic rapport reveal another, more troubling problem/s. Your counsellor should be able to shift the focus of your sessions accordingly.

OP I'd certainly second all those above who have said not to be so hard on yourself you're 'only 25'! Occasionally someone may know from the age of 5 that they want to be a vet etc, but the gross majority of us haven't got a fucking clue and simply study whatever we enjoy/are good at at the time. Give yourself time to work out what you want to do and if you make a few dud turns it doesn't matter. I'm just about to embark on my third 'career' in my 50s. I gave up a very good well-paid job when I was 35 to volunteer in Africa for 2 years and it totally changed my life- as I knew it would. I returned to do a Masters.

Great that you are having some counselling and even better if you are able to make it work for you though. As a couple of others have mentioned it might be interesting to explore there where all these high expectations come from. What messages you have received as a child and young adult. It can sometimes be difficult to open up in therapy without feeling that you are being disloyal to family or others who are close to you, but this is exactly the place where it is most safe to do this. This isn't about blame, but more about understanding why you feel the way you do and being able to take back some control. Good luck with it all

I find than when you are desperate for a job and feel down and peed off in life it tends to come across in an interview

I worked in a really bad place and applied for jobs and did really badly, once I handed in my notice the weight lifted and I got another job straight away

So when you are in a happier place it will shine

Have you tried volunteering for you local MP? Or hospital? If not make that a starting point

Depending on the jobs you are going for, some will be be put off by a ‘prestigious’ degree. I’ve been both benefitted and disadvantaged by mine, depending on the job. You could try focusing on soft skills and practical work you’ve done in applications and see if that helps.

However - try not to worry. I see many sixth formers worrying that they don’t know what they want to do at uni whereas their mate has ‘always’ wanted to do medicine and is going to be a doctor and I always tell them (as I learnt) that many of the people so certain and sure will change course, or career, and will have the same uncertainty at a different time in their life. People you know who are currently settled or ahead in career won’t necessarily stay there or may find it harder to change gears later.

Might be good to think of more ways of giving yourself validation rather than needing it externally as it does shift after uni and you don’t tend to get much guidance and also, as someone who wants external reassurance often myself, it is good to try to reduce this impulse. Corny things such as a gratitude journal (praising yourself for some things you have done) or setting yourself habits (like healthy behaviour or mastering a hobby) and ticking these off can help you see you are achieving and get you used to feeling good about yourself.

Also, don’t ever worry about contacting the Samaritans. They will take any worry that is upsetting you seriously. I once rang childline about a school academic issue and expressed similar thoughts of not being entitled to call them and was told by the lovely lady on the line that anything that was a problem to me, was a problem per se.

Good luck!

Lots of good advice here. It's easy to panic once you're out of university if things don't fall into place quickly, particularly if you're accustomed to things having been quite linear and straightforward up to now. But having a successful career is a long game and one where you should look to please yourself rather than deliver against others' expectations of you. I saw a cool model which was finding the intersection between what you love, what you're good at, what the world needs and what you can earn enough to support your desired lifestyle doing... nowhere in this model was there anything about what other people thought of you. When you're in your 20s everyone's chasing the dollar and the prestige; by the time you get to your 40s, everyone's jealous of people who love what they do. You have great foundations, so don't panic and take a bit of time to discover what's out there by temping, volunteering, investigating and exploring what you really want; often really cool job opportunities come from quite meagre beginnings too, when you get a chance to show off your potential. All the best!

It sounds like you don't know what career you want. I'll let you into a secret: few people do. Even those of us who have been working in a stable job for a long time are still asking the question, not realising or wanting to admit that we've already picked a career pathway.

Not knowing what you want can make you feel like you're spiralling out of control. It helps to give yourself an unrelated goal - one that you can work towards without getting too obsessive about. If for example you've had food issues in the past, making a weight-related goal is a bad idea because that can spiral into a disorder. However, making a goal with yourself to run once a week, volunteer once a week or to read book a week is something positive you can control.

When you feel like you're achieving something, it makes it easier to deal with the feelings of not achieving something else. Broadening your life experiences with a separate goal also has the fringe effect of rounding you out as a person and hopefully helping you gain a bit more insight into what you do really want to do.

Be kind to yourself. Without being patronising, adulting is really hard. We don't suddenly graduate with all the answers - we just all feel our way along and some of us get luckier than others. You are not the first person to graduate from Oxbridge and have no luck finding the perfect career - I know people who went through the same experience. They got there in the end - and where they got to wasn't anywhere they would have predicted at the beginning.

You're a bit young to be thinking your life is on the scrapheap already.

You went to Oxbridge so you must know a lot of high achievers. Do you think you compare badly to them? Stop that Comparison Shit for a start.

A lot of the biggest former Oxbridge stars are now embroiled in Westminster sex harassment scandals. I'm not sure they turned out so successful, after all.

There are lots of ways to help people, think at all scales. From the local small charities to medium level to higher. Why haven't you mentioned working in third sector, actually?

And yes Brexit Sucks!! I'm with you there. But we have to carry on, regardless.