Wtf do I do

[ComingUpTrumps]

I'm so fucked.

Wtf do I do?

Have had a bit to drink (with friends) but now on my own - so this has maybe made me feel quite down.

No fucking luck with applying for jobs.

A couple of years ago, I graduated from a degree at Oxbridge (would prefer not to specify which one) to get a good job and to get some validation from people close to me. And I haven't got validation from it or a stable job (I currently work part-time and am job-hunting, and also feel ridiculously nervous and self-conscious around close friends and the few friends I have - most now live far away from me).

Seeing a counsellor at the moment, but it's quite a structured approach, so I don't feel like I can talk about exactly what's been bothering me when I come to each session. I really think my counsellor is great though.

Just would really like a bit of a handhold please.

I second ringing the Samaritans. They are there for anyone who's feeling miserable and wants to talk to someone, particularly if you think that your friends/family will not understand, or talk over you, or give unwanted advice.

Also, it's possible that some of your unhappiness might be, you know, a reaction to the world we live in. You worked hard and got your degree, but there are few decent, properly-paid jobs out there and the economy is fucked to hell and back. Feeling anxious and upset is a fairly rational, reasonable reaction.

I just don't feel like I can confide in anyone I know in real life as I feel like they'll all 'judge' me or tell me what they think I should do. Which I know isn't right for me. So it sort of pisses me off a bit. And then maybe they get frustrated that I haven't done what they told me to do. I feel like they think I'm pissing my life away. And doing fuck all.

Hand-hold for you here, OP. I had a strong academic career, was all set to progress and, for various reasons, it all went to shit. Being The Smart One was all I’d ever been known and valued for by my (now estranged) family, so when it became obvious that career wasn’t going to happen, I felt like everything I was good at, and good for, had been torn away.

Best thing I did was temp for 18 months full-time as a secretary. It wasn’t what I wanted to do long-term, but it got me busy, got me money, and gave me the time and space I needed to plan my next move. Disaster always struck when I acted impetuously out of panic, and it stopped that from happening.

I won’t lie: I still get those night sweats sometimes, where I wake and wonder where “it” all went, but it’s not the truth. Life isn’t a straight path, and different doesn’t mean less or failure.

Try to be kind to yourself. You’re not alone. Sending a big, unMumsnetty hug x

Try not to fret tonight- chat to people here, ring Samaritans, or have a bar of chocolate and go to sleep!

Stay off the booze until you are feeling less vulnerable.

Stick with the counselling, and do some voluntary stuff on the side- at 25 there is so much still to learn, you will find your place.

Thanks so much everyone ❤️ Samaritans won't think I'm weird if I ring will they?

Samaritans will not judge you. you can phone or email them if you wish:

116 123
or
[email protected]

And they definitely won't think you weird!

You may still be eligible for advice from your university's careers service. They will be able to help you with the nuts and bolts of applications and interviews.

It sounds a bit as if you're having CBT (which no doubt will be useful for your difficulties) but feel the need to discuss something deeper and more fundamental (which your craving for validation would also indicate)? Have you considered seeing a person-centred (sometimes called client-centred) or integrative therapist? You'll probably have to go private but many have affordable fees on sliding scales.

Try and be a bit kinder to yourself OP. You sound like a lovely person! It's a funny old time in your twenties, and anyway from what you describe you're keeping active, doing things you can learn really important skills from (both the tutoring and the counselling!).
I think it's important that you mentioned the issue of following certain paths seeking validation from others. That's almost always a cul-de-sac. The important questions are 'what do I value'? and 'how do I move in the direction of the things I value'? Not in terms of achieving specific trappings or milestones, but in terms of feeling OK about who you are.
Anyway, keep talking and reaching out.

At your age I wish I took the time to have more adventures, using my pennies to see the world, to experience new things, meet new people and try more things. I got a job, bought a flat, then raced in the marriage and kids. I never took the time to enjoy my twenties.

Don't panic. Life is not a race. The journey is the point, given that we all end up at the same destination eventually. Enjoy the journey, stop and smell the flowers, do a double take at that amazing view, say hello to people, try things, try everything, learn what you like. Only then can you plan what you want to do.

On a practical note it is not a good time to drink alone. Alcohol tends to lower mood in that situation. If you need a treat then sweet stuff, ice cream, chocolate, bread etc are all a better option when alone.

Try not to focus on the big stuff tonight x

op, you're doing everything right.. you're working, job-hunting, trying to make plans for the future and seeing a counsellor is a brave and very important step to make.
The benefits of any form of higher education don't fully materialise immediately, it takes time to build your career and sometimes the foothills of this can seem like an impossible slog.
I was chatting to a friend about this recently, she also went to a great uni and felt as though she lost her way for a bit afterwards - her friends went on to high-powered jobs and she spent a few years in relatively lowly jobs she felt a bit embarrassed by.
She went to a re-union recently and was struck by how the friends she had envied all seemed grey, tired and stuck in a rut. They hate their high-powered jobs.
My friend developed a really interesting and fulfilling career off the back of one of the temp roles she did. It's taken her slightly longer to make progress in her career than she would have anticipated on graduation but she loves what she does and appreciates the broader view on life she has gained than someone who went straight from Oxbridge to the City/Magic Circle.
Write down the points you want to discuss with the counsellor.
Hang on in there and keep reaching out for support.

Its existential angst

Comes to us all, Especially if we are feeling fragile after a couple of drink on a lonely Saturday night.

Huge hugs and stuff (sorry I’m a bit crap at that kind of thing) but I just want d to say, I totally understand. I got a degree at a good uni. Then totally drifted, doing OK through my mid 20s. And 25 felt so old, as though life had got away from me.

I bodged about having a blast in a manual job that I was underpaid and unsuitable for, then buggered off volunteering for a few months. Binned the return ticket and traveled round the world for a couple of years picking up work or working for accommodation where I could.

I was 30 by the time I got back, and looking back there was no way I had enough life experience at 25 to know what I wanted. I’m now doing more qualifications in a job I love and feel like a round peg in a round hole.

I don’t know what your buggering off round the world Moment will be... but an opportunity will come along that will give you hope and direction. Who know what it will be though.

Hope you feel better in the morning. Keep posting here though. We’ll keep you company. :)

I think that an enormous amount of people come out of oxbridge and feel inadequate. I remember that time as being really complicated in terms of finding my way. IE you are not alone!

If you look to Jo Cox as a role model, I'd try asap and get work experience overseas e.g. I think at one point she worked in the European Parliament? Can't remember. I think it's pretty achievable to get a job there right now for British people, a lot of the assistants of the UK MEPs are moving on right now. Plus the MEP internships can pay enough for subsistence.

Think this is the ideal time in life to go abroad for a bit, before you get too settled. Whether taking some time in places you find reallyinteresting or getting work experience in a field you like.

Or consider the kinds of skills that campaigning really needs now and consider what courses you might need to get hold of (e.g. digital engagement - online, analysing data - is enormously helpful!!)

Both DH and I are Oxbridge graduates and took our twenties to find our feet and work out what we wanted to do. The truth is that however sharp the intellect is, if it's not matched with social skills and emotional intelligence, it just doesn't help you in any career path, even academia.

I'd give yourself a goal - a generous one - say one year - to sort out what you wnat to do, where you want to be and how other people get there. What do they do/have that you don't? How do they behave that you don't yet? Who do they know? (Because that does make a difference, and it's not all old boys club, it's just building contacts in your genuine areas of interest.

Sort out your weak points - sounds like you lack confidence if you struggle even with close friends. Learn ways to appear confident, competent and easy to get on with. Being easy company helps a lot.

It took me ages to sort all this out. I thought having a brain and a good degree was what mattered. It really wasn't. Self confidence (even well-faked, which mine is) and people skills are what make a difference. And the usual basics of coming across well groomed, together, calm, happy etc.

I was a Samaritan and I'd love to talk to you, please call them if you feel you would like to, they get all sorts of people and problems and. They absolutely won't think you're weird at all, I promise they have heard it all and there will be zero judgement. Sometimes it's much easier to bring some topics up not face to face.
You are not alone, many many of thousands of people are in your shoes right now
Be kind to yourself and stop pressurising yourself, all the best xxxxx

The problem is simple. You don't know what you want. How can you work towards a goal and be successful if you haven't defined what success is for yourself?

Having a degree is not enough. You need to get out there, try lots of things, research everything, find out what you like, what you don't and then when you have a goal, put together a plan of steps in order to get there.

At the moment it sounds like you are just wishing yourself happiness, but you have no idea what it really looks like. No wonder this is causing you a lot of frustration. Be kind to yourself, I promise you will get there.

Here's what I would suggest in order to find the thing that clicks:

1. Watch ted talks - they're very inspiring and cover a wide range of topics. Find something that you are interested in and research it, look into it, read books on it etc etc
2. Read books - I recently read 'Get your shit together' by Sarah Knight. All of her books are great - no BS self help.
3. Go to local events - any roundtables, networking type things? Push yourself to try and go to something and meet people.
4. Get in touch with mentors or career advisors from uni - perhaps they could help?
5. Examine other areas in your life. Living situations, friendships, other relationships. Are they serving you? Do they provide you with happiness and fulfillment?

It seems like you have some social anxiety too - so continue to see your therapist. I think becoming content and satisfied in your own life will greatly help you in this area. It will give you confidence and stop you from seeking validation in others.

I graduated around the same time as you (also 25) and I have recently made a big life change in order to find happiness. I stagnated my career somewhat, but I am so much happier and my quality of life is much improved. I had to find what i identified as 'happy' and I found that and made it happen.

Please DM me if you want to chat more, I'd be happy to.

I'm 32 now and only started my 'real' career at 28 after dropping out of one uni course, working part time, starting education again at 21 and moving abroad to do a masters at 26. 25 feels like the end of the world and trust me I completely understand, but it isn't.

I work in policy, and used to be a 6th form guidance manager, so if you'd like to chat about careers feel free to PM me!

I would also suggest volunteering. Google "little johns house romania" . I know a few people who have gone there and come back changed
( cheaply too !)

I absolutely do lack confidence - you're spot on. It's like I don't feel like I deserve to have any confidence (if that makes sense??) How do I feel more confident??

And I completely get I can't do anything about this, but I'm still really annoyed that the UK voted to leave the EU!!! Just my personal opinion. In a totally selfish way, it feels to me as if it's limited my opportunities a bit.

well .. you've got a year or so at least so maybe now is the time to work abroad..

Or alternatively there are some remain campaigns that I believe are looking for volunteers -- google the main ones (Open Europe, Best for Britain...) Now that is something Jo Cox would have got her teeth into.

you know what op, being 25 is bloody hard these days, when I was 25 I had a shit job but my own flat and that gave me confidence, but that was in the days of 100% mortgages, it would be impossible now.

what I'm trying to say is, dont be too hard on yourself...so you arent a big raging success yet...maybe you are just an honest, decent person who needs a break and is trying to do the best you can? most of us are like that and there's nothing wrong with being like that, you will keep working and things will break for you, but whatever you do, be kind to yourself and appreciate yourself for the decent person you are

(though i have to say it's a pretty toxic debate so you might not enjoy that kind of campaigning).

Was thinking - does the UN volunteers thing still exist? you can look for placements for a year or so.

Confidence - by the way - in my opinion is a lot about faking it until you make it. most people that look confident really do not feel it.

I can't give you specific advice, but years ago, when I was in a similar position to you ('stuck' in bar work after Cambridge degree), my much older sister gave me some good advice. I was weeping down the phone to her about having worked so hard only to 'end up pulling pints for a living'. First, she told me that pulling pints is a fine job and that I should be proud that I was supporting myself. Secondly, she said that it is impossible to 'end up' in any position at all at the age of 25... or 35... or 65... or any age at all, until you die.

She was right. Eventually I worked out where I was going wrong in my job hunt (probably not relevant to you, but in my case it was being far too specific about the area I wanted to work in, whilst confining myself to a narrow geographical area). Once I changed a few things I was able to start my career.

She was right again, for herself, years later, when she retrained and got a degree, graduated at the age of 48 and embarked on a new, professional career. And right again, years after that, when she started another career aged 60 and is now travelling the world. I'm thinking of her advice myself now, in my 40s, as I return to the career that I started and then had to pause for fifteen years to be a carer. I start my new job on Monday.

Life's in stages. Also, drink water.

I'm bloody annoyed at the leave vote too but I'm Scottish and no bugger wanted it up here

Lots of great advice here. I'm 30 now and most of my friends took time to find what they wanted to do post graduating, including Oxbridge graduates. Would second travelling if that's your bag, spending time with friends, work to pay the bills. It gets easier.