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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DMum and DDad should make more effort

27 replies

believebelievebelieve · 04/11/2017 12:47

We live about 25 minutes from them but I can't remember the last time they popped over to see us or the dc (age 10 and 13). It is always expected that I take the dc over to visit them and if we've not been for a while I get comments/atmosphere from my DMum that I should make more effort. They are both fit, have a car each and have a great social life (which I am pleased about). I don't expect them to be round all the time but sometimes feel sad that the dc are getting older and they are missing out on them growing up. The other day I was a poorly and my mum commented that it was a shame they weren't a bit nearer. Thinking about it after 25 mins is hardly a long way. I don't want a confrontation with them but wondered if this is normal and AIBU?

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 04/11/2017 12:55

if we've not been for a while I get comments/atmosphere from my DMum that I should make more effort

I'd have said something before now. Every time she says you should make more effort, reply with, 'well, it's 25 minutes drive whether it's to you or to me; you can come here, you know!'

If she wants to be huffy about it-let her.

What was the norm with grandparents/visiting when you were a child?

Original poster
believebelievebelieve · 04/11/2017 13:17

It's really only just started to occur to me now how unfair it is as I seem to have always done this since having the DC. It would have been nice for them to pop over or take the DC out over half term but they didn't. Only had a 1 gran alive when I was young. She couldn't drive so either got a bus or we picked her up but generally she came to us.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 04/11/2017 13:22

My dhs parents were like that , they felt all the effort should come from the child or they waited for a specific invite for coffee / lunch whatever , never any ad hoc visits ( 20 minutes away) .

Appuskidu · 04/11/2017 13:24

Start invitingbthem round for specific things-Sunday lunch, cup of coffee and cake etc and see what they say.

whoareyoukidding · 04/11/2017 13:24

Why don't you invite them over, when you want them to visit?

whoareyoukidding · 04/11/2017 13:24

cross posts:)

gegs73 · 04/11/2017 13:26

My MIL is the same but lives only 10 minutes away. Extremely able bodied and an amazing social life and car, so no mobility issues. I do call her out on it if she says she hasn't seen us for a while which she kind of laughs at. However she still never comes to see us and expects us to go over there.

whoareyoukidding · 04/11/2017 13:27

My grandparents didn't live locally so I only really saw them at Christmas and Easter. It was their decision to move 200 miles away when we were all still little, and my dad was their only child.

Some people would hate it if their parents kept calling in uninvited - mumsnet is full of such threads.

Longdistance · 04/11/2017 13:38

My dps were the same. Always me making the effort. They lived a similar time difference too. My df became unwell, and I carried on going over. Now my df has passed, I’m still going to see dm. You’d think she’d enjoy some company. She full well knows she’s welcome anytime too. Db is the same too. You’d think he’d want to see his dn who he absolutely loves having around, but alas he’s the same. Bugs the hell out of me. And yes, I have mentioned it.

Perhaps when they ask, why we haven’t visited, I might say ‘you know where we live’ harsh? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Butterymuffin · 04/11/2017 13:55

So now you've got to this point, every time she brings it up you can say 'well, the road goes both ways, you haven't been over to us for ages, why don't you come over for dinner next Sunday?' And then if they don't want to, you can remind them next time it comes up.

BenLui · 04/11/2017 13:58

Invite them for dinner.
Invite them to come for a day out with you all.
Invite them to the kids school plays etc.

Original poster
believebelievebelieve · 04/11/2017 14:06

We do invite them for dinner sometimes, and they do come then. Just never get them saying 'are you in today, thought we'd drop in for coffee' etc. They know they're welcome. It would be nice if they came over to see the dc after school or in holidays etc. but they never do.

OP posts:
cakeymccakington · 04/11/2017 14:08

Maybe they just aren't those sort of people? Some people are happy to pop into friends/ family and others feel uncomfortable doing so without asking or being asked.

Appuskidu · 04/11/2017 14:12

it would be nice if they came over to see the dc after school or in holidays

Specifically say that every time you see them. Even gush.

'Oh, it has been so nice to see you! You do know that you can come round at any time, don't you? The kids would absolutely love it if you just popped in to see us during the holidays as you're retired now. Or even after school-you could come for tea and cake or even stay for dinner! Please don't ever feel you aren't welcome-it is so so nice to have you here!!'

Etc etc

TBH though, they don't sound natural droppers in so you probably need to invite them to begin with. Ring/text-'hey, it's half term next week, what day are you free to come and see us, we could do x if you fancy?'

Mittens1969 · 04/11/2017 14:25

My DM is like that. She lives a 30 minute drive away from us, and always waits for an invitation to visit us, never just suggests coming over. I find her hard work so it suits me not to have her at our house too often. She’s happy to meet up with us somewhere, she loves feeding the ducks with my DDs.

Bunnychopz · 04/11/2017 14:26

25 minutes is quite local

MinorRSole · 04/11/2017 14:31

My pils are like this. They always make the effort with sil but dh just gets the nagging about calling/visiting etc. even when we had newborn twins we didn’t see anything of them. Dh doesn’t drive so the onus would be on me.
We just live our lives and let them get on with all their judging and pearl clutching. I feel for dh because I know how much their behaviour hurts him and sil treats him terribly but it falls on deaf ears so we just minimize contact now

OnlyToday · 04/11/2017 14:32

Maybe they just think you might be busy and they don't won't to impose. I think waiting for an invite is normal. 🤷🏻‍♀️

wobblywonderwoman · 04/11/2017 14:32

Mine is the same distance and is very cold and sometimes rude if I don't go at least once over the weekend and then during the week. I work 50 mins from them and she says 'that'd nothing'

Yet she never comes here - so I am playing her at her home game at the moment to see will she come as I haven't gone.

LondonGirl83 · 04/11/2017 14:34

A lot of people don't feel comfortable dropping in and a lot of children would hate it if their parents did. Just extend more invites as they clearly are keen to see your children based on what you've written.

contrary13 · 04/11/2017 14:36

When I was growing up, my grandparents lived 40 minutes away. They still turned up every Tuesday, for family events, were a huge part of my childhood.

My parents live 5 minutes drive away and have virtually no relationship with my children.

Life is whatever we make of it.

Ellie56 · 04/11/2017 14:37

It would have been nice for them to pop over or take the DC out over half term but they didn't.

Next time ask them to come and take them out!

pizzaeatingmonkey · 04/11/2017 14:39

As a granny, I never assume I can just pop round, I do wait to be invited. I do this because my mother would visit my house every single day, even if I was out at work, it was too much but I was an only child ( as my son is) and she was lonely, I guess. However, I would love to visit more often. I do look after the grandchildren regularly, but would still like to see them at their house.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/11/2017 14:40

I don't like people popping in unannounced, perhaps they think you're the same?
The barbed comments from your parents about you "not making an effort" to see them are unnecessary though.

Try a more formal approach- We'd like to invite you to lunch on X day at this time. Older people often get stuck in their ways and like to stick to a routine and plan way ahead..

coddiwomple · 04/11/2017 14:56

Invite them over. Most people hate others popping up unannounced! kids have after-school or holiday activities, parties, homework whilst the parents run from work to shops to home. It's terribly unpractical if the grand-parents decide to turn up when you already have school friends staying over for tea.

Your own mother should know you enough to be aware of what's work for you, but just invite them if they don't want to intrude.