Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

She sabotaged my toothbrush. AIBU...

71 replies

BaldricksTrousers · 03/11/2017 09:38

To feel really hurt, and also worried?

Last night I used my toothbrush and noticed it tasted really soapy. It was awful. I asked my 7yo daughter this morning if she knew anything about it and she burst into tears and said she was mad at me last night and put soap on my toothbrush. We didn't have an argument, the only thing I can think of is that she was tired and bothered that I made her go upstairs to change out of her PE kit into her onesie. Like, nothing.

I know she's just a kid and I did stupid petty stuff when I was young too, but this just strikes me as so vindictive and vengeful for no good reason. Should I be worried about this behaviour? I know it's rather mild but still bothers me. When she admitted it I didn't shout or yell, and told her I was glad she told me the truth. I said we might have to cancel our bonfire night plans as I didn't feel like doing anything fun anymore. Pretty even response. But it took the wind out of my sails to be honest.

So...aibu to feel this bothered or is it just kids being kids?

OP posts:

SomethingNewToday · 03/11/2017 10:26

I said we might have to cancel our bonfire night plans as I didn't feel like doing anything fun anymore. Pretty even response

No, not an 'even' response. Very spiteful, and PA. Responses like this, always delivered in a calm and 'even' manner are almost at the level of EA IMO and likely to make your dc hate you.

My mum did this. She never shouted or lost composure. She never smacked. For any bad behaviour she would calmly state that now the party/sleepover/fete (always a fun, looked forward to event) would not go ahead. We'd never get any pre-warning. There were also sometimes additions of how, due to our bad behaviour, she didn't feel like celebrating any more (said in a very sad soft voice).

The result was I was often left in a state of awful guilt for days, for being the cause of my mother's 'lack of party spirit'. Into my teens I started to dread occasions as they approached because I was constantly wondering if they would get cancelled for some reason.

Awful way to behave towards your dc IMO. As a child, I would far rather have been shouted at or had a clip around the ear like my friends did, then it was over.

sizeofalentil · 03/11/2017 10:27

FittonTower - I basically did the same thing when I was a kid!

bufin · 03/11/2017 10:28

I understand where you're coming from OP, I told my young son off years ago and later realised that he had immediately gone upstairs and spat on my new jacket which was hanging on the bannister.

It made me feel really weird that he would do that, and it still sticks in my mind even now.

RavingRoo · 03/11/2017 10:33

I agree that at 7 she shouldn’t be doing stuff like that. It’s soap on mum’s toothbrush on this occasion, but imagine if it were bleach or something OP were allergic to? She needs to be punished and the removal of a fun activity is suitable punishment. Don’t be scared to parent your kids.

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 03/11/2017 10:33

Unless there are other issues with her behaviour then I wouldn’t over analyse the why too much though I do understand why you’re concerned. As an adult we’d possibly see this as a mean spirited or even vindictive thing to do and obviously hate to think of our children that way but it’s far more likely that it was a poorly thought out joke, likely something she read about as others have said and not something borne of any deap seated resentment or ill will towards you.

I would tell her though that it hurt your feelings to know that she wanted to be mean to you and remind her that it’s always best to talk about your feelings rather than do something unkind. I realise that might generate tears but I don’t think it’s any harm for children to realise that parents are people too!

janinlondon · 03/11/2017 10:35

I had this child at 3. Don't be surprised if she now tells you she's not coming to bonfire night as "she doesnt feel like doing anything fun" now. She may not use it till she's 6....but it will happen. You legitimized it as a valid reason for not doing something. I have seen your future. You have good reason to be concerned. On the plus side, your life with her will not be dull.

sweetdreamsaremadeofbees · 03/11/2017 10:36

You see this is the problem nowadays with the lack of discipline in children.

It's seen as "spiteful and vengeful" to cancel a treat after they've misbehaved.

I'm with you OP.

EdmundCleverClogs · 03/11/2017 10:39

It’s soap on mum’s toothbrush on this occasion, but imagine if it were bleach or something OP were allergic to?

If a 7 year old did manage to put bleach on a toothbrush, the blame would be far more on the parent's side for allowing such a young child to have access to dangerous chemicals! What exactly could a child rub on a brush in a hurry that a parent is allergic to? Any food stuff would be obvious, and probably not actually kept in the house at all. It was a silly trick, I think many children have done similar. Banning an event that happens once a year is an absolute overreaction. If it happened Xmas Eve, and the op threatened similar over the following day, should she 'carry though'?

Billben · 03/11/2017 10:47

I'm with you OP on this one. It would freak me out if my child had done something vindictive like this.

diddl · 03/11/2017 10:48

I don't think that it's "kids being kids" at all.

I think that no bonfire night is a bit extreme-especially the might or might not element.

There must be another punishment.

Lweji · 03/11/2017 10:50

You see this is the problem nowadays with the lack of discipline in children.

There's a difference between discipline for the sake of it, and teaching our children to be good people.

Bonfire night is a once a year event, not dessert.

I like the idea of her buying a new toothbrush. It's a direct consequence to her actions.
It would be different if she had lied or refused to apologise.

ittakes2 · 03/11/2017 10:51

I don't think you are being OTT. It wasn't a spur of the moment act - she came up with the idea and carried it out - and then didn't feel any guilt until after you had used your toothbrush and you raised it with her.

LS83 · 03/11/2017 10:51

What else could she be capable of? (Somewhat lightheartedly said)

She's probably planning on murdering you in the night
She's just being a kid and she was remorseful. I think the worry would be if she wasn't sorry/upset after!

FlowerPot1234 · 03/11/2017 10:52

I think your response OP was measured and not passive aggressive in the slightest. You reacted calmly and have endeavoured to discover why she did this, and you are concerned about her behaviour. You sound like a switched-on and aware parent.

Actions have consequences - if only more parents taught and demonstrated their children this. The soap thing is a bit , it was definitely wrong, so now the consequence is no bonfire because of her actions and the effect they had.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/11/2017 10:55

It's seen as "spiteful and vengeful" to cancel a treat after they've misbehaved
Bit she hasn't canceled it. DD that was naughty, your treat is canceled. Its emotional blackmail. Mommy is soooooo sad she isn't able to have any fun for DAYS

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 03/11/2017 10:56

Yes I agree diddle the might or might not element isn’t good. I’m actually one of those parents who does believe in appropriate punishment but I don’t like the idea of leaving the possibility hanging over them.

In this particular instance I would talk to her and wouldn’t do a punishment though if Op feels a punishment is appropriate I think that’s fine and her decision to make, it’s not cruel or vindictive .

EdmundCleverClogs · 03/11/2017 10:57

Vindictive, really? There are some real drama llamas on here. Vindictive would be destroying something of value (whether sentimental or costly), and the person who did the act usually not upset or remorseful at their actions - they would say 'you deserved it for x, y, z reasons'. Soap in a toothbrush is as vindictive as swapping salt and sugar around, or tricking someone into putting permanent marker on their face - ridiculously childish and irritating, possibly worthy of immediate mild punishment, but certainly not vindictive behaviour or an indication of a cruel streak emerging. If the child in question had done this to a sibling rather than a parent, I don't think anyone would think it was that terrible.

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 03/11/2017 10:58

I remember doing this when I was little (probably a similar age) because I’d read about it or seen it on the TV and it seemed like a good practical joke. I read a lot of Jaqueline Wilson at around that age... maybe it was her influence! 😂

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 03/11/2017 11:00

Oh dear, I see I’m alone in finding this hilarious! my sister did stuff like this all the time, clingfilm on the loo, marbles at the top of the stairs she was always up to mischief. She is a perfectly normal and sensible human being now, is kind to animals and children, never been arrested, doesn’t even drink! yes it was naughty, a telling off, apology and buying mummy a new toothbrush would have sufficed IMO

birdiebirdiewoofwoof · 03/11/2017 11:04

I wouldn't cancel Bonfire Night. I would sit her down and say I'd decided we could still go, but that we would be buying a new toothbrush out of her pocket money and that she should never do anything like this again.

Remember what it's like being a kid. She's in her own emotional world and there's a lot going on in her mind that's not obvious to others. She has almost zero insight into your point of view, and not a great deal of insight into her own. If she was feeling tired and fed up and didn't want to change, or if she was having a bit of a mood swing and happened to remember something she'd been annoyed about recently, she could probably talk herself up into feeling really pissed off with you. I agree with the people who think she may have read about someone doing this as a trick and been waiting to try it out. The fact that she burst into tears straight away says she's probably been regretting it overnight.

Of course 7 year olds shouldn't do this sort of thing, but sometimes they do.

Trafalgarxxx · 03/11/2017 11:09

I would want to understand why she felt it was ok to take revenge tbh. That would be what would make me very uncomfortable.

Cancelling bonfire night might actually do the trick, esp if she sees the ounishment as a way to get at her and take revenge.....

I know this would make me rethink the whole way I’m treating my dcs, punishments, reactions about other people and what sort of example I’m giving them.

Nikephorus · 03/11/2017 11:10

Timmytoo · 03/11/2017 11:12

I peed on my mothers so she’s not too bad. Although to be fair I told my mother before she used it. I was 6 and her crime was telling me it was bed time when I was not tired.

Mookatron · 03/11/2017 11:17

You don't think that's it's ok to express hurt if someone puts soap on your toothbrush? It wasn't just naughty behaviour it was deliberately hurtful behaviour, directed at the OP.

I think it's fine to let your kids know that sometimes what they do hurts your feelings. I mean yeah, don't go on about it for days, but there's no point in pretending emotions don't exist.

However only cancel the bonfire plans if you weren't looking forward to it OP. Otherwise think up a restorative thing she can do together. Like choose you a lovely new toothbrush with her pocket money, or make you a cup of tea, or draw you a nice card or something.

kateandme · 03/11/2017 11:17

I'm with you op.and think this goes further than a kiddie thing to do the arguemtn would I would say involve her seeing my toothbrush and flicking it.or kicking my door as she went passed.not taking the lets take it time and effort to put soap on my toothbrush.its a step further into vindictive and id roo be worried by this.
unless I specifically new this was in a horrid henry type books she just read of course.
id keep an eye.
punishment is reasonable.she needs to no she dosnt just ge to say sorry for doing something so spiteful.and potentially dangerous.

Flip

1 2 3