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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he BU - DH’s ex and child support

47 replies

Greypaw · 02/11/2017 21:31

DH, who is travelling abroad, jetlagged and stressed, is currently worrying about this issue so I said I’d ask on here to get a bit of clarity. Details blurred slightly for anonymity, but the basic issue is this:

DH has two children from a previous marriage. He pays their mum £1000 a month in child support for them both.

After he split up with their mum, he had a LTR with someone who he had another child with. When she ended the relationship and they were discussing child support, he proposed paying £500 a month so that their child received the same as his other children. She argued that it would be unfair to do that on the basis that the ex wife got a larger amount per month as well has having received more overall (as he’d paid her maintenance for several years by then), so it would be fairer for her to be paid £750. She said that she would need this in order to get set up in a house on her own, but not forever. DH agreed but suggested that when she had got her house and job sorted out, he would bring the payments in line with what he paid for the other children. He has continued to pay her the £750 for the past three years.

In that time, the ex gf has got married, bought a house and had two further children. Recently DH reminded her that the £750 was to help her get set up after their relationship ended, and that as her life was now well established he’d like the payments to be the same as for his other children and would like to talk about how to arrange it.

This suggestion has upset her because she had assumed the £750 was a permanent arrangement, and says she needs the extra especially because, having had a reduced income while on maternity leave, she used it to supplement their household income.

DH is now unsure as to whether he’s BU to think that it’s fairer to make sure the children all get the same support from him, or whether one child should receive more than two children? After all, if you go through the CSA, subsequent children receive less than the first; in this case, would it therefore be fairer for him to keep paying his ex gf a larger share for their one child, or would it be reasonable for all the children to receive the same?

OP posts:
donajimena · 02/11/2017 21:35

What does the CMS calculator actually say?

HopefullyAnonymous · 02/11/2017 21:36

I’d go through CSA. Clearest, fairest way.

Handsfull13 · 02/11/2017 21:40

CSA is the best route but on a personal level I would say he should lower it to match the other children. If she has managed to move on and have more children then their father will be paying aswell. So she should not need it to cover extra expenses she has as a result of moving on

mummymummums · 02/11/2017 21:42

What the others say - it should be related to his income and yes, the money is loaded on first child in each case

wheresthel1ght · 02/11/2017 21:44

He must be a high earner to be able to afford that, so ultimately I would put his earnings through the cms calculator and see what that comes out at for all the kids and then send her that info.

If it less and he can afford more then ideally he should pay more. But if not then at least you have a legal starting point

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/11/2017 21:51

What they said. Does he have the same amount of contact with both sets of children?

She can want more money but it's not your DPs responsibility to prop her up while she's on maternity leave with a baby she's had with her husband.

They weren't married so he supports his child with sensible child support but this grown up cohabiting married woman needs to fund her own household and lifestyle with the help of her husband not a man she used to date. She's also expected to pay towards her child's life and she should have thought about all of that before having more children if she can't afford them.

She's moaning because his previous ex has been getting child support longer BECAUSE HER CHILDREN WERE BORN FIRST?! Batshit. Hers will probably be getting it longer. Because they were both after.

Maelstrop · 02/11/2017 21:54

He does not have to fund her, only the child. I think she's taking the piss.

timeisnotaline · 02/11/2017 21:56

Oh my goodness. So 2nd ex thinks she should be compensated for his older children... being older?! And that your dp should basically be contributing to her maternity leave for her children with new Dp?! I'd check csa because you should defitnely not be paying less than that, and then suggest that it's her new dps job to fund supporting his own children and she knew perfectly well the money was temporary only. On the plus side, your dh sounds nice :)

glow1984 · 02/11/2017 21:59

I agree with PP. the children should be getting equal amounts, and the ex gf is taking the piss!

hungryhippo90 · 02/11/2017 22:01

Some women make a career out of having children with wealthy men,
Sorry he’s fallen into this trap, an ex of mine is paying the woman he cheated on me with £1000 a week, he’s massively being taken advantage of, but can’t help but feel it’s just desserts for him.

But no, this isn’t fair at all. Why does she expect him to pay her for maternity of her children who aren’t his?

Original poster
Greypaw · 02/11/2017 22:03

Thanks all, I checked CSA and at first pass it looks like he’s paying over the minimum, but it only gives one overall figure, rather than how it should be split. My instinct is to split it equally between the three children, but like I say, if it would be weighted in favour of the first child (if they all had the same mum) is there a good reason one child on their own should have more.

I’m on the fence with this one (taking reasons and emotions out of it) because of the above (and more importantly it’s his income and his children). DH has just paid both his exes what they asked for. At this stage though, he knows his older two children are aware of how much he pays in maintenance (their mum is very open about money) and he worries that if they find out the other child received more, it might imply that different values were placed on the children. He doesn’t want that.

But yes, the ex gf does feel he should be supplementing her maternity leave and that it’s unfair that his ex wife gets a larger sum. From what she’s said, she sees the money as spousal maintenance rather than child support, so she wants an equal amount to his ex wife.

OP posts:
HughGrantsHair · 02/11/2017 22:04

If you go through CMS subsequent children don't receive less than the first. An amount is calculated for all of the children and then split evenly between them.

Use the CMS calculator to work the amount out.

HughGrantsHair · 02/11/2017 22:08

Only split evenly if the number of overnight stays are the same btw

Original poster
Greypaw · 02/11/2017 22:09

@annelovesgilbert, no he does not have the same amount of contact. The children he had with his ex wife he sees very regularly and they split holidays in half. The child he had with the ex gf he doesn’t see often at all as she has told him she’d prefer it if he wasn’t in their lives. They see each other maybe six times a year, but never at Christmas etc. She’s changed the child’s surname several times (unofficially) to try and write him out of the picture, and has told their child that they didn’t have a dad when they were a baby. He’s tried giving his child photos of them together but they are taken away and put in the loft. It’s all sad and distressing. But that’s an aside, I suppose - DH knows the child support should be paid no matter what she does.

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 02/11/2017 22:11

I would split it evenly between the three.

And if the Mum of the youngest complains I'd point out that she'll get maintenance for longer (and if done through CMS her payments will go up once the eldest children are out of education) than the first so it'll all balance out in the end.

Ceto · 02/11/2017 22:12

The argument that he had been paying for the older children longer is a nonsense. He will also stop paying for them well before he stops paying for the youngest.

Original poster
Greypaw · 02/11/2017 22:13

According to CSA, which I’ve just run through again, the ex wife is getting a bit over the CSA amount, and the ex gf is getting almost double the CSA amount. So that’s pretty clear I guess.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 02/11/2017 22:13

Yep, the amount he owes for the child based on his salary, not unofficial spousal maintenance to subsidise this woman who apart from the stream of cash wants to write him out of their life.

Epic using pisstaker.

It's up to him. But I'd say the time is up for playing nice when she's being a dick.

What about her and her husband's responsibility to support their household.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/11/2017 22:16

He owes her nothing. Just the child. And she's already highly unreasonable so what's he got to lose.

Go through mediation/court for access. Once every two months is awful and the child has a right to a decent relationship with their father.

Gertrudesings · 02/11/2017 22:17

Jesus Christ. I have 3dcs and I receive 120 a month for the first and 0 for the second and third (different dad's).

He must earn so much! I earn quite a lot (only in the last year) and I pay a lot for my DC's, so it's fair enough, but I'm just aghast at the sums involved.

750 for one child?! I can't believe the ex said the maintenance is to supplement the household income???? It's for the costs of the child? 750 must mean the child has an amazing standard of living? My maintenance for DS1 is used for his school lunch (14 year old) and guitar lesson 1 hour a week. Household income is what I bring in. I'm flummoxed.

MsJolly · 02/11/2017 22:19

She's taking him for a mug unfortunately and he's been far too nice about it! So he has to fund her maternity leave for a baby with another man but she would rather he wasn't in their lives? Do CMS and go to court to get regular contact.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 02/11/2017 22:22

* Some women make a career out of having children with wealthy men*

Hmm some wealthy men need to keep their dick in their pants if they don’t want to part with it.

OP as other have said his best bet is CMD calculator.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 02/11/2017 22:22

Aah bold fail!

TheMightyMing · 02/11/2017 22:25

It’s heartening to see a father helping to support his children and doing the right thing. Unusual on mumsnet from what I have seen!

But yes, I feel that he is being taken for a bit of a mug, and he should revisit the arrangement.

Original poster
Greypaw · 02/11/2017 22:31

All really helpful replies, thanks. I shall pass all this on and do an update if it’s interesting enough.

OP posts: