Is he BU - DH’s ex and child support

[Greypaw]

DH, who is travelling abroad, jetlagged and stressed, is currently worrying about this issue so I said I’d ask on here to get a bit of clarity. Details blurred slightly for anonymity, but the basic issue is this:

DH has two children from a previous marriage. He pays their mum £1000 a month in child support for them both.

After he split up with their mum, he had a LTR with someone who he had another child with. When she ended the relationship and they were discussing child support, he proposed paying £500 a month so that their child received the same as his other children. She argued that it would be unfair to do that on the basis that the ex wife got a larger amount per month as well has having received more overall (as he’d paid her maintenance for several years by then), so it would be fairer for her to be paid £750. She said that she would need this in order to get set up in a house on her own, but not forever. DH agreed but suggested that when she had got her house and job sorted out, he would bring the payments in line with what he paid for the other children. He has continued to pay her the £750 for the past three years.

In that time, the ex gf has got married, bought a house and had two further children. Recently DH reminded her that the £750 was to help her get set up after their relationship ended, and that as her life was now well established he’d like the payments to be the same as for his other children and would like to talk about how to arrange it.

This suggestion has upset her because she had assumed the £750 was a permanent arrangement, and says she needs the extra especially because, having had a reduced income while on maternity leave, she used it to supplement their household income.

DH is now unsure as to whether he’s BU to think that it’s fairer to make sure the children all get the same support from him, or whether one child should receive more than two children? After all, if you go through the CSA, subsequent children receive less than the first; in this case, would it therefore be fairer for him to keep paying his ex gf a larger share for their one child, or would it be reasonable for all the children to receive the same?

He should reduce the payment and use the difference to fund a court application for regular contact.

I’d send her the printout from the Csa to show she’s taking the piss

Situation sounds awful, hope he isn't thinking of adding more DC to the mix.

stitchglitched stole my line!
He has plenty of money - why hasn't he taken legal steps to see his child more often?
If I were him, I'd be less worried about what child 1 and 2 think of him giving child 3 more, and more worried what they'd think of him not putting enough effort into contact with child 3.

I agree the CSA is the best way. Sounds as if he is paying far too much and is still not being appreciated. And what nonsense that he has been paying for his older children longer. This woman is just being totally greedy and needs to be brought down to earth with a bump.

I would say that DC 3 probably deserves a bit more than the other two because there are some expenses (e.g. Housing, heating) that will be the same for the 2 DC as for the one. (Does that make sense). With that said, if the ex gf is pregnant and has another partner DP should not be supporting this. Do the csa calculator. If DP has the money, then of course he should pay more but this doesn't have to be directly to the monther. It could be that he goes shopping with them and buys their clothes or saves it to help them out a deposit on a house in the future.

My partner's ex questioned why he stopped paying her extra money. The money had been to top up her income when she had to take a less well paid job due to childcare, and to help her run a house on her own for their son to live in.
He stopped the extra payments when she moved in with her new partner. She'd also increased her salary in the interim.
He still pays more than his fair share anyway. Her and her partner have well paid jobs, and probably get paid more than us, they just live to their means a lot more than us!

Firstly, how sure is he that DC3 is his? Seems like the Ex is trying to cover up something here, and being a bitch to boot!

Ellisandra it appears the mother has put every obstacle in his way to building a relationship with his child. He sounds a very responsible dad to me. He should pay all his children the same amount.
My DS moved into ex-GF house so when they split he left with nothing. He travelled 120 miles a day to work so he could live near DS. He paid way over the CSA amount so she could manage. Ex now married with large house , two.more children, works just a couple of days and rents out the original house.
DS has only just (ten years later) been able to afford a small house with new partner and no chance they can afford a child at the moment.

I am shocked at the figures involved, he surely should refuse and let the CSA sort it out. It’s not meant to be spousal maintenance as I understand it, but support for his DCs.

It is not spousal maintenance. She is unbelievable. Your dp should take her to court for an official contact schedule.

Cherry last time I looked it took two people to make a baby!

If she wants him put the childs life, then she shouldnt5want his money. Obviously he should still pay her, but now she is off maternity leave it should go to the same as the other kids

A bit late to this, but hope this helps.

You split the CMS/CSA figure equally between all 3 children. For each you apply, if relevant, the shared care discount (so, one-seventh off for each 52 nights a year he has them stay with him).

He can refer the case to CSA/CMS himself, but probably better to just reduce it to the figure anyway. There is an online calculator that I presume you've been on.

Can I just remind you all that CSA payments are the bear MINIMUM a parent should be paying and are in no way fair and reasonable.

The ex is taking the piss though.

What's fair and reasonable depends on the NRPs income. It's up to both the parents to pay towards a child's upbringing. Do you imagine this particular child costs £1500 a month, and the ex is also spending £750 on them?

If the CSA minimum is £20 a month then that's obviously a joke. But when you're talking in these sorts of numbers, it's ridiculous to suggest it won't be enough to make a fair contribution.

Ex gf wants him to pay for the lack of money she'll receive during her maternity leave with ANOTHER MAN'S child?! I've heard it all now. That second child of hers is zero to do with him. He's been a mug to go along with that.

Either allocate 500 to each child, or go through CMS. Ex gf might get a wake up call then when she realises her gravy train is running out. She's a severe piss taker of the highest order.

All relevant advice given already but just wanted to add your dh sounds lovely and generous and trying hard

All his children are equal.

My Ex shacked up with his OW and they had another child .They have now split up.

We have 2 DCS.

she thinks he should pay her more for her 1 DC because I earn more than her. He currently pays her £1200 for one and me £450 for 2. It pisses me off - his children are all equal. The mothers financial circumstances are irrlevent to what he owes. He should be paying about £1000 for all 3 and that would be split 75% for me and 25% for her if it went on ONs!!!

We will not go into her benefit fraud!

He was daft to agree this in the first place. Should be the same amount for each child.

Csa is split equally between all dc.
Csa phoned me and told me my money would be halved coz another claim had been made against him.

Maybe you should discuss it with H from ExW's H's point of view. He must think your H is a total sucker for paying off his mortgage while he and his kid live outside their means.