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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help organising my life

53 replies

SuzukiLi · 02/11/2017 19:16

I'm burning out quite quickly and know something had to give but don't know what!
I'm at uni full time which is an hours drive each way, so I leave my house at half 7 and don't get home till half 6.
I'm a single parent, my DD's dad isn't involved so it's me and her 24/7 with no break.
I manage to fit an hour in the gym after I finish uni and before I drive home, then I get home, tidy up and make some dinner, put DD to bed and finally sit down to do some study. By this point it's half 8 and I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm also trying to maintain a relationship and I have Bi Polar....
I took 3 days off from uni this week just so I could relax and try and catch up with myself but now I've fallen behind and I'm so bloody stressed!!! I don't even know the point if this really... don't k kW if there's anything obvious that u can change that I'm not seeing.

OP posts:
Original poster
SuzukiLi · 03/11/2017 00:36

I can't get the train as they don't coincide with her nursery times which is a pain as that would be much easier. If I didn't go to the gym I would then get stuck in the school traffic anyway and it would take me equally as long... it's just a nightmare.

OP posts:
Ifearthecold · 03/11/2017 00:44

It's not really sounding like you want advice. Coming on to vent is fine, sometimes life is hard and this time may be hard for you. It will pass all time periods do.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 03/11/2017 00:47

Find a childminder that fits with trains so that you can study on the train. Something had to give with gym - even dropping just a couple of days will have a big impact.
Alternatively, accept that you can't do it all immediately, and go part time. Your daughter is tiny, it's great that you are doing this but she'll only be this small once. Do you really want this routine for the next few years?

You have to pick something to drop /scale back. Stop arguing with people who are suggesting alternatives, you will need to pick one, or nothing will change

Sagelistener · 03/11/2017 00:47

Ditch the relationship for now? Part time Uni? Get meds looked at to see if they can be altered at all? Or just plough through knowing it is a season in life that will end eventually?

TalkinBoutWhat · 03/11/2017 00:48

Have you started the degree this year? If so, you're still finding your feet. You're very early on in it and it takes time for your body to get used to the routine.

If you and DD are out of the house all day, then the house can't be too messy, so not that much 'tidying' to do. Perhaps follow a routine such as Fly Lady, which gives you strict jobs to do for the day, which makes sure you keep on top of things.

Plan your meals for convenience. So either invest in a slow cooker, or have some very quick meals that you can prepare. Or cook double and have a re-heated dinner the second night. BUT... make sure you are getting all the nutrients you need. Might be an idea to take some vitamin and mineral tablets just in case. Even a slight dip in iron levels can leave you feeling much more tired.

Don't get up earlier than you need to. Obviously this is dependant on when your DD gets up, but have your clothes for yourself and your DD ready for the week, and in the mornings cut the jobs down as much as possible.

When you sit down to study in the evenings, then don't get all slouchy on the sofa. Sit down properly at a table. Try to do 'busier' study jobs in the evening, just reading will be more likely to make you tired. If you are reading, then take notes as you go along.

Get efficient with your study. If you take good notes during your lectures, then type them up that same evening, adding in extra details as you go along. It is amazing how much more you will remember from your lecture notes if you do this, and it will be a huge help for tutorials etc. File things away in your notes folder properly, and do it straight away. You can't afford wasted time looking for your notes. If you have exams that require you to memorise facts, then spend some time in the evenings dictating them and then listen to that dictation on your commute.

Good luck. It will be hard, but worth it. The first six months in particular. Then you'll hit other dips along the way, where you just feel ground down and the end will seem far away. But keep the motivation and your health up and you will get there.

Shadow666 · 03/11/2017 00:50

Have you literally just started the course? Are you sure this is the best route for you? What are your options if after 4 years, you don't get a job? There are plenty of graduates out there struggling to get work.

I think you may be much better trying to find work, even if it is low paid admin work, and try and work your way up a company, as you are obviously smart.

I worry that you are overinvesting in your degree and the rewards may not be worth it. I don't know if that is the case, but it sounds like you are killing yourself to do this degree and there are no guarantees at the end of it. It's not good for your mental health either.

TalkinBoutWhat · 03/11/2017 00:50

Oh and the other thing, if you can afford it, outsource! Get your ironing done, hire a cleaner, buy more convenience food.

You can even get someone to type up lecture recordings or written notes.

just5morepeas · 03/11/2017 00:54

I'd drop down to half an hour at the gym or do alternate days - you can't justify all that time when you've got more important things to be doing.

Original poster
SuzukiLi · 03/11/2017 01:10

talkin that's really helpful about the notes thankyou!
I think my main problem atm is my meds are being adjusted while we try and find Ines that work and they are making me a zombie in the day and giving me quite bad insomnia at night.
I don't have any worries about getting a job, engineering jobs are plenty and well laid which is why I am doing the degree.

OP posts:
R2G · 03/11/2017 07:40

Hi I've been there x what are you doing for your dinner? Has DD already had her dinner at childcare and then you're picking her up? What are you doing for your lunch at uni and in that hour? I have a couple of suggestions when I know this info x

Heratnumber7 · 03/11/2017 07:40

Can you move nearer to uni then?

I think you may have bitten off more than you can chew otherwise. If your meds’ are making you “like a zombie” are you really getting the most out of a course?

It’s really hard studying with kids at the best of times. Is there someone who would have DD during the week (her Dad? A grandparent?) so that you can concentrate on yourself?

If you can’t use any of the suggestions offered here, it’s going to be a case of head down and plod on.

R2G · 03/11/2017 07:42

PS I understand you need the gym for your mental health x

RedSkyAtNight · 03/11/2017 07:55

I understand your meds are making you tired, but basically your lifestyle is the same as many other parents and doesn't really sound too bad to me. An hour for the gym each day is your break - that's more than a lot of people get!

If you can't move closer or do more study during the day and the hour of gym is a must, then there literally is nothing you can do.
How much study do you really have to do out of lectures/contact time? I'd think about when to fit that in so it is least tiring/impedes your higher priority activities least - maybe weekend evenings, or have a quiet time Sunday afternoon when DD has to play quietly while you study ...

paxillin · 03/11/2017 07:55

Keep an open mind about going part-time though. My experience with over-busy students is the college suffers. The "something" in "something's got to give" is almost always studying. You'll be better off with a good degree after 6 years than a skin-of-your-teeth-pass (or worse) after 4.

SpinnerDryer · 03/11/2017 08:09

Would a nursery near to university be a good idea?
It would probably cost less as you would save 10 hours a week?

You can spend time reading/talking on the train together.

My DD is a similar age & does ballet for 2 hours a week without me. 1 hour Sat, 1 hour midweek.

Appuskidu · 03/11/2017 09:40

What year of your degree are you in?

Fishface77 · 03/11/2017 10:36

Do you have no support at all?

Original poster
SuzukiLi · 03/11/2017 10:42

DD gets breakfast lunch and dinner at nursery. I can't move closer to uni as I can't afford to and I'm better off closer to friends and family so they can pick up DD from nursery if I'm running late. I only go to the gym on days I finish at 3, I usually finish at 5 or 6. I'm in my first year so I know I'm still getting used to the schedule. My mental health team have signed me off as they are understaffed even though I'm currently trailing different medications.

OP posts:
RavingRoo · 03/11/2017 10:46

I’m going to be blunt and say if you’re finding it so stressful in the first year, then full time uni is not for you. Will your uni let you move part time? If not talk to the open university and see if they’ll accept the credits you have already completed.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/11/2017 15:30

If this is year 1 then you can only have been doing this for what, 4 weeks? You are still in the growing pains stage. It won't be this intense all the time. You will get good long breaks at the end of each term to recharge. You will work out ways to make it all work for you over time.

There will be groups at uni for mature students and/or students with children. Join them. They will have local knowledge that will likely be much more useful than our general tips.

Speak to the welfare office they'll have people or groups who can help you.

There might even be someone who can help you work out what to do with the meds you are trialling.

Appuskidu · 03/11/2017 15:35

I’m going to be blunt and say if you’re finding it so stressful in the first year, then full time uni is not for you

I totally agree. You talk about wanting to be full time so you can qualify sooner and start earning, but if you've been signed off by your mental health team at the start of the first term, I think it would be far more realistyto go part time.

Better to take 6/8 years to graduate than to drop out after 5 months with a nervous breakdown and have no degree at all.

Heratnumber7 · 03/11/2017 17:37

Most universities have a crèche. Is that an option? Then you could move closer as you wouldn’t need friends and family to collect DD.
TBH it doesn’t sound much of a life for either for the next few years.

Original poster
SuzukiLi · 03/11/2017 18:50

I've arranged a meeting with my personal tutor next week so hopefully can get a plan in place.

OP posts:
paxillin · 03/11/2017 22:19

Be really honest with your personal tutor. I often have students who put on a great show coping (I am a lecturer, but med school, not engineering). Couple of term later I learn about mental health issues and a dying granddad they look after and always think about all the solutions we could have found if I had had the full picture to start with.

CappuccinoCake · 03/11/2017 22:25

This is only going to get harder as she starts school and won't have the long childminder sessions. I can't see what you're doing is sustainable. Can you afford to pay for childminding while you go to the gym? That's a luxury in time and money.