Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect a simple thank you from my friends daughter?

74 replies

GreenAsTheGrinch · 02/11/2017 14:23

This might take a while so bear with me!
I live a few streets away from a friend who has a DS the same age as mine. They have both attended a club for years, and as they have got older the time spent there has increased considerably.
Over the last year or so it has become my job to take and pick up from this club and I am starting to really resent it, as my friend just assumes I will pick them up every time.
She doesn’t drive but her partner does, although he does work and isn’t always home.
I feel bad for having a go about this, I am not normally a big moaner, but her child never ever says thank you for any lifts I give him. Most of the time he jumps out of the car and doesn’t even say goodbye.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 02/11/2017 16:23
  1. Manners matter. Each and every time he goes to jump out just say nicely but firmly, ‘ X, you need to say thank you and goodbye, please .’ He will soon get the hang of it.
  1. Email your ‘friend’ and ask if you can firm up a rota for the club runs as it would be good to get a break from going out every single time. Even if it’s not equal they need to reciprocate.If she refuses then you need to be a lot less available. As in saying you won’t be able to help today as you have other plans. And stick to it.
Dominithecat · 02/11/2017 16:24

All of mumsnet knows you should hoick up your big girl pants and have a conversation about this, but just in case you really really can't face it, just slowly give up the picking spare child up. One day a week you will be elsewhere at whatever time you pick him up, but bring him back, next time you are going on somewhere else at the end of this event so his parent can collect him, etc etc until in about 4 months you have completely quit giving lifts.

Not the method I would use but i am bull in China shop stylee

YouthsAStuffWillNotEndure · 02/11/2017 16:33

I have also had the experience of doing someone a favour over an extended period of years and discovering that they came to regard it as an entitlement. Unfortunately some people are just like that. We are now no longer friends which I do not regard as any great loss.

Mittens1969 · 02/11/2017 16:38

You’re definitely being taken advantage of, OP, and you need to tell them you won’t be giving him lifts anymore. It’s his parents’ responsibility to pick him up, not yours.

I remember I used to be taken advantage of when I was younger and had my own car. I used to be asked for lifts and felt that I should start wearing a chauffeur’s cap! (Except that chauffeurs get paid lol.) When I did finally stand up for myself it felt good.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/11/2017 16:58

I think I'd phrase it in terms of "I've noticed we've fallen into the habit of me taking both boys to club every time. I noticed because it's gotten to be a bit much for me. We either need to start taking turns by day/week or one does pick up the other does drop offs." and see what they say. I have a feeling that the other child's dad probably sees it as 'wifework' and that he's 'doing his wife a favour' when he takes their child to club, taking your child probably doesn't enter his head.

As far as the other child's rudeness, I would probably ignore it. I don't feel I'm in the business of teaching another child to say please/thank you. Other types of rudeness I'll address, such as pushing into a queue, grabbing food/toys, or sass mouth.

Appuskidu · 02/11/2017 17:01

Blimey-that just not on. You really do need to say something to the parents; they are really taking advantage!

Oxcheeks · 02/11/2017 18:45

Can't you have somewhere to go on the way home, in the opposite direction?

MissionItsPossible · 02/11/2017 19:07

She's taking the piss. I would pick him up once more (if you can't get hold of her beforehand to let her know) but walk to the door and tell her it's no longer happening.

Ellendegeneres · 02/11/2017 21:21

Soooo what you gonn do??

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/11/2017 21:33

I think I'd phrase it in terms of "I've noticed we've fallen into the habit of me taking both boys to club every time. I noticed because it's gotten to be a bit much for me. We either need to start taking turns by day/week or one does pick up the other does drop offs." and see what they say. I have a feeling that the other child's dad probably sees it as 'wifework' and that he's 'doing his wife a favour' when he takes their child to club, taking your child probably doesn't enter his head.

This. They're a cheeky pair.

fizzthecat1 · 03/11/2017 12:30

9 is way past the age when manners should be an automatic thing, my DS knew to say thank you at the end of an event/party/play date by age 5. The OP is perfectly right to expect a thank you AND to expect the other parents to take a turn

Yeah ok but that's the parents fault for not teaching them good manners. There's no need her to foam at the mouth over a 9 year old she should speak to his mum.

MinervaSaidThar · 03/11/2017 12:41

OP's long gone.

Original poster
GreenAsTheGrinch · 03/11/2017 21:23

Thanks for all your replies, haven’t had chance to come back until now.
Think calling me petty is a bit unfair, but that’s your opinion fizzthecat 1.
I have actually had a chat with the mum, she initially seemed shocked that I had an issue with it, but hopefully we can sort things out a bit more fairly from here.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreenAsTheGrinch · 03/11/2017 21:24

And no, I have never been given anything for the lifts by the boy’s mum.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 03/11/2017 21:32

She seemed shocked. Yup deffo taking you for granted. Hopefully you can make this fairer.

Gemini69 · 03/11/2017 22:53

Well done OP.. for biting the bullet... Flowers

mikeyssister · 03/11/2017 23:56

She's a CF

mikeyssister · 03/11/2017 23:58

She was shocked that you had an issue with collecting her son three times a week and dropping him home and her DH couldn't be arsed to do it once.

Dump them.

Firefries · 04/11/2017 00:07

Maybe as you are doing the lifts the other mum doesn't feel the need to offer.
Maybe she appreciates it but forgets to say so. We don't know what's going on in either of your lives.
Don't get angry just get communicating what you need from them : 'hey I'm doing the rides and that's cool, but I would appreciate a thanks every now and then'. It's ok to say that.
Maybe the 9 year old is just a quiet one and it's overwhelming to say anything. Some kids need a nudge in the right direction to be polite, but you can do this be giving him the information he needs: "Hey young man, when someone gives you a lift it's polite to say thank you. And when you say thank you, I want to pick you up and drop you off next time. That's how it works" said with a smile. I think it's okay to communicate this stuff to people. Some people truly don't know this. And they don't realize it helps you if they say it. Don't get mad with them just tell them what you need. And if you need the other mum to help out then say so. "Look I know you're busy with (whatever) and you don't have a car, but hey how about you walk the kids up there and back once a week, and I'll do the lifts the other two times".
That's ok. And if you want petrol money -ask for some. Simple.

Firefries · 04/11/2017 00:08

Good on you for communicating something. Maybe she just didn't know it bothered you as you were doing the lifts.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 04/11/2017 00:08

I absolutely promise you, Green that this is NOT normal or fair. I say this as the only driver in my house and with only 1 child. All her friends had siblings, so I have done more than my fair share of driving and no one has ever taken the piss like these people are doing.

I've always been thanked by the parents.

The children haven't necessarily thanked me, but they've always been chatty and lovely enough that I haven't noticed (and I'm hot on manners!).

What you're doing isn't acceptable.

Good luck with making changes!

nameusername · 04/11/2017 03:51

I have actually had a chat with the mum, she initially seemed shocked that I had an issue with it, but hopefully we can sort things out a bit more fairly from here Yeah, how dare OP finally have the cojones to finally bring the issue of transport after being a free chauffeur to her son all this time. How inconvenient and ungrateful OP is.

It's not petty at all. It's about helping each other out and not take the mickey and generosity of the other party for granted.

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 04/11/2017 09:28

Good for you for saying something OP, I hope you can sort something fairer now.

Appuskidu · 04/11/2017 10:34

I have actually had a chat with the mum, she initially seemed shocked that I had an issue with it

You and you alone take and collect her child from an activity three times a week and on the odd occasion her husband does the lifts, he doesn't take your child,... and she was shocked you had a problem with it?!

Can I ask what she said??

She is either monumentally stupid, extremely self-unaware or just a total CF!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread