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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect a simple thank you from my friends daughter?

74 replies

GreenAsTheGrinch · 02/11/2017 14:23

This might take a while so bear with me!
I live a few streets away from a friend who has a DS the same age as mine. They have both attended a club for years, and as they have got older the time spent there has increased considerably.
Over the last year or so it has become my job to take and pick up from this club and I am starting to really resent it, as my friend just assumes I will pick them up every time.
She doesn’t drive but her partner does, although he does work and isn’t always home.
I feel bad for having a go about this, I am not normally a big moaner, but her child never ever says thank you for any lifts I give him. Most of the time he jumps out of the car and doesn’t even say goodbye.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 02/11/2017 14:41

Can’t you communicate with your friend? Tell her you’ve noticed her partner takes their ds some of the time and didn’t offer to take you dd. Perhaps you could suggest a rota instead. The power is in your hands.

That sounds incredibly rude. How did you know he’d taken his ds? When you went to pick him up?

Katedotness1963 · 02/11/2017 14:54

The taking their own child while leaving yours would piss me off! Do you take him home afterwards or does his dad do the round trip?

bumblingbovine49 · 02/11/2017 14:54

Why not tell her that you are unable to drop off at the moment (no need to tell her why ) and ask if she can drop both boys off each time (They can walk, it won't do them any harm) but that you will pick both of them up in the car to bring them home .

That way you won't feel taken advantage of. Their family can be responsible for taking both children (either she walks them there ot her DH drives them, whichever they can do) and you pick up. That seems fair to me

mikeyssister · 02/11/2017 14:57

The next time the partner takes/collects their child but not yours I would tell your friend you can't do lifts anymore,

I think you're being taken for a fool.

Swizzlesticks23 · 02/11/2017 15:09

Omg cheeeeeeky friend alert

I would just text her saying you can no longer take her child every week

No explanation it's not your problem.

Her son sounds as entities as her

SilverSpot · 02/11/2017 15:16

Just be honest

"Hiya, i'm starting to feel a little bit resentful that I often take your child to the club and the favour isn't returned when your DP drives. The lack of a thank you is also grating slightly. Can we eihter formalize the arrangement so that I drop off and you pick up and walk them both back, or your DP drives them back or vice versa, or we just stick to taking our own children from now? Anyway, have a think and let me know what you want to do."

randomer · 02/11/2017 15:17

Rude. Tell the brat to say thank you

Gemini69 · 02/11/2017 15:20

OP you sound so kind and lovely and a kindness has turned into a bugbear... it's always the nice people that end up running the kids here there and everywhere.. whilst the other people sit cosy indoors unaffected by schedules.... Hmm

I absolutely agree that you must stop giving the lifts... particularly as they're not even appreciated... Flowers

If she/he takes a turn or thanks you and pops a few quid your way for fuel.... then fine Grin jump in kid Football

MinervaSaidThar · 02/11/2017 15:26

Fuck the thank yous!

Three times a week?! Stop being a mug, OP! Let them sort their don out.

Shall MNers help you draft text?

HouseworkIsASin10 · 02/11/2017 15:29

Just tell her you want to confirm who is doing what. You are not committing to drop off / pick up each time.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 02/11/2017 15:34

This should have been nailed years ago ie you do drop offs, the other parent does pick up, or you do this week, they do next week.

I simply woudlnt pick the child up on the way, next time, or go somewhere else first so you are goign to the club direct from shopping/eating out etc.

milliemolliemou · 02/11/2017 15:35

So two DC going a mile and a half away several evenings, with increasing waits? Walking isn't going to be great in rain/dark even for 2 nine year olds who clearly are doing something strenuous in between.

OP I would be frank about it and say you can't do it unless the other child's DPs crack on/share the load/contribute to petrol. You need to point out you're doing drop off, and then collection later in the evening - that's how many hours of your time over a month.

You could also say to the 9 y o - "thanks would be nice". Clearly from your account the apple falleth not far from the tree.

onlyonaTuesday · 02/11/2017 15:36

Just say as of next week you will do drop off or pick up. On alternate days.
If they don’t have the car on their day then they can do extra when they do

nameusername · 02/11/2017 15:43

It’s really difficult as I don’t want to cause bad feeling, I am not great at confrontation, and because I have the car here I almost feel obliged to take him. It's the same old conundrum isn't it on here Smile. Are you wanting the collective power of mumsnet to conjure up the inner beast in you Grin All right everyone, let's hold hands and do a mumsnet stare...

Does the boy even converse with either your son or you at all during the journey? 3x weekly with no manners from both the kid and parents not returning the favour. Yeah..you're a mug. STOP letting them walk all over you. If you hate confrontation, just text them or send the kid off with a note to give to his parents. Manners cost nothing. Did they even offer to contribute for petrol or once in a while give you a nice bottle of wine and flowers. 9 years old can afford to walk home on their own. It's up to the parents to arrange his transport.

Fruitcorner123 · 02/11/2017 15:46

You could send a message saying something along the lines of, 'as we have to go to X 3 times a week i was wondering if we could arrange some kind if rota of who does lifts/pick ups with your DH as doing the drive 6 times a week is starting to get a bit much. Maybe i could drop off and your DH could pick up?'

rachelandmike77 · 02/11/2017 15:48

Aww OP, I can see why you find it difficult to confront her over this but it needs to be done. No point doing something that puts you out with no thanks, and you know the favour will never be returned on their behalf. She’s taking the piss.

I wouldn’t even justify it with anything, just tell her that starting from X, you will no longer pick up or drop him off. The arrangement isn’t working for you anymore, you have other engagements and you didn’t realise that it was going to last for so long now that the boys are 9. If you want, you can say you may be available on a one off occasion to help, but can not commit to any sort of formal arrangement anymore. No further discussion

Ttbb · 02/11/2017 15:49

Just tell him to say thank you.

rachelandmike77 · 02/11/2017 15:51

Also they have other options of his dad picking him up, or his mother walking him home....they will figure it out like every other family does. It’s not your responsibility

Downhillatfifty · 02/11/2017 16:01

My DS used to go to an activity with two other boys, way too far to walk.
We shared the driving with one of the other set of parents, it changed weekly as to if one set of parents was dropping off and the other picking up or if one set of parents was doing both (the other set did both the next time) it was very relaxed and worked for over two years. The other boy lived with his mum who didn't drive and had a younger sibling so couldn't do any lifts but was very appreciative as was her son. On an odd occasion the son's grandparents would take a turn just to help out when they could.
Even though we/ other driving parents pretty much always took this extra boy it was never a problem, he was always polite and the mum offered petrol money, which we didn't take up but it was nice to have it offered and her parents took all the boys occasionally.
I would not however be happy with your current situation

Pearlsaringer · 02/11/2017 16:02

How did it “just become your job”? Did you ever discuss it? If not, now is the time. “I’m finding myself a bit tied doing all the taking and collecting. Can we come to a better arrangement? I could do x days if you do y. Or I’ll pick up if you drop off.”

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/11/2017 16:04

I used to give a lady a lift as far as my work in the mornings and she walked the final 10 minutes - it was quicker than waiting for buses. No skin off my nose cos I was going that way but not something that she could reciprocate. Every now and again she turned up with a bottle of wine or bunch of flowers and there was always a small gift at Xmas. It's not hard to do and shows appreciation.

nosleepforme · 02/11/2017 16:06

if you can, pluck up the courage and tell her the way you feel. i've always done this politely and patiently with my friends when im upset and thankfully they have always heard me out and understood.
if you cant do that, then just stop! you dont owe anyone anything. but of course, your relationship may change as the parents of this other boy may not understand what happened.
also, i wouldnt normally educate other peoples kids, but couldnt you explain to the kid that he must be polite and say thank you - in a nice way that he will understand of course.

fizzthecat1 · 02/11/2017 16:07

They are both 9

Aren't you petty Hmm

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 02/11/2017 16:14

No fizz she’s not petty AT ALL. Hmm
9 is way past the age when manners should be an automatic thing, my DS knew to say thank you at the end of an event/party/play date by age 5. The OP is perfectly right to expect a thank you AND to expect the other parents to take a turn.

AJPTaylor · 02/11/2017 16:15

when my dc were little i took one of their friends to a lesson cos mum didnt drive and had littler ones.
Her daughter said thank you very much everytime she got into the car and out of it. and mum insisted on doing the odd evening babysitting for us in exchange. now that is a fair exchange.

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