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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding - To think that bride and groom need can invite different number of family guests

83 replies

colourflash · 01/11/2017 21:54

My wedding plans are going nowhere. My fiancé won't accept that my family is bigger than his. Thinks it will look 'weird' that the family member ratio will be 1:3. This is first level family so aunts, uncles, first cousins, siblings (plus their partners, children). No friends invited, family only is what we both want.

He thinks I should not invite some of my family to reduce the guest list on my side. He says it will be embarrassing for his family to be so small in comparison. Am I right to think his reasoning is absolutely insane and makes no sense? Please tell me who is being unreasonable because it's causing so many arguments. I want my entire family at the wedding! Will it look ridiculous??

OP posts:
katienana · 01/11/2017 22:35

Kind of similar in my family, dh has 1 aunt that he sees, 2 siblings, 2 cousins. No grandparents. His family is 18 people including his dad and step mum. My mum is one of 4, my dad has a brother, everyone is married and has kids etc and I have 16 cousins and 25 second cousins! I only invited the ones I'm close to, it was still more, but dh isnt a knob so there's the difference!

DappledThings · 01/11/2017 22:35

user1934etcetc I've been to lots of weddings, many very traditional church affairs (as was mine) and I think the whole sides thing is very rare these days anyway. Most people have friends of long-standing who consider themselves friends of the couple and would find it odd to choose a side anyway. Personally I wouldn't bother getting your ushers to seat anyone anywhere, just let people sit where they choose.

chewiecat · 01/11/2017 22:36

My DH only had his mum, step dad and brother at the wedding whilst I had over 30 family members Blush

It was not an issue at all, I can't change the fact that he has a small family and I have a large close knit family

HurtyAtThirty · 01/11/2017 22:40

I come from a large Irish family, the number of first cousins I invited was more than my husbands total family invites combined! Add in aunties, uncles, siblings and other family and we had about a 1:4 ratio. We actually gave up sitting people on the 'correct' sides of the church because it would've looked ridiculous lol Grin
You can't help having a large family, and like Steff says, he'd do well to realise that they'll be his family too once your married so he shouldn't be excluding them on such a special day.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/11/2017 22:42

He's being utterly ridiculous.

You've been arguing for over a year about this.

Are those two things not telling you something?

...if they're not, perhaphs you're not paying enough attention.

mareemallory · 01/11/2017 22:43

My partner has no contact with any of his family; that doesn't mean that I don't get to have my parents and a favourite aunt at our very small wedding next year. But on the other hand he has a lot more friends than me and we've made a point of inviting plenty of them so he has 'his' people there as well as mine. Does yours have any particularly old/close friends you can invite to even things out a bit?

TheProdigalRhubarb · 01/11/2017 22:55

Why no friends?

ILoveCwtches · 01/11/2017 22:57

We got married in the summer and similar to you, OP, had just family. DH's family (who he is in contact with) consists of 6 people. Mine is 15. The only person who mentioned it as a concern was MIL and DH told her it didn't bother him and it was never mentioned again.

Your families are the size they are, you can't change that and messing about "making up the numbers" would change the occasion from being family only (on his side, anyway).

Your fiancé is being a bit daft, to say the least!

Kerantli · 01/11/2017 23:04

We have this "problem" as well, my side was up at 30 people at last count, his is at 6 people. I don't think he'd stop me inviting them all, the idea of having even numbers would shrink my side down to 6 people as well...

Doobigetta · 01/11/2017 23:08

Why such a hard and fast rule about "family only"? Surely between you you have some friends who mean more to you than less close relatives? I'd even out the guests so roughly half are from each side, and if that means your side is family only and his is mostly friends, then so be it. Or is this really about you having different expectations for the wedding? If so, you need to work out a compromise.

Kezzamo · 01/11/2017 23:09

My husband has a huge family although sadly no parents. I struggled to fill a table at our wedding!

Ridiculous, you invite the important people you want to be there. It's not a competition to see who has most!

I think you need to tell him straight or walk run out the door!

Wincher · 01/11/2017 23:11

We had this - we had space for 70 guests at our wedding. He had 10 family members to invite and that was it (two siblings plus one partner, two parents, grandmother, uncle, aunt and 2 cousins). I had 30 and that wasn't even all first cousins - that was 2 parents, 2 grandparents, 6 uncles, 6 aunts (inc by marriage), and only those first cousins I actually knew and wanted there. It wasn't a problem. We had space for 30 friends and they nearly all went on the groom's side of the church so it was balanced. You can't help the size of your family!

shouldknowbynow · 01/11/2017 23:20

Surely there's a solution to this.....simply get rid of the segregated seating! Have mixed family on both sides of the aisle so the numbers look even ditto at the wedding breakfast do mixed seating at tables so both sides of the family get to know each other.

Ohyesiam · 01/11/2017 23:20

It will be embarrassing? How? Will his family feel shame that they haven't done more breeding.
That is the most irrational argument ever.

Show him the thread, or maybe find someone less exhausting to marry Wink

HamSandWitches · 01/11/2017 23:25

I don't think adding some friends would work and how do you pick who goes, invite all of DPs friends and non of ops, I just think that might cause more upset when people are left out.

Urubu · 01/11/2017 23:27

YANBU
DH had way more guest on his side at our wedding, never was an issue, we truly saw our wedding as the celebration of the union of our families.
And our parents paid 50/50 regardless, so I guess they didn't saw a problem either.

ChasedByBees · 01/11/2017 23:34

What does he want the end result of this to be?

  1. Equal numbers and you alienate large numbers of your family or 2) unequal numbers but a coming together of families with love?
Longtime · 01/11/2017 23:35

YANBU. I have 20 first cousins and dh has 2 that don’t have half way round the world. We also had our wedding in my home town which is in a different country to where we live. I didn’t invite all of my cousins but had way more than the two that dh had plus of course more aunts and uncles. He expected that and had no issue with is whatsoever.

Briette · 01/11/2017 23:37

Huh? We didn't keep count. We just wrote down everyone we wanted to invite from our respective families, came to the total number and moved on to more interesting things to discuss without any issues. Literally nobody noticed or cared. I suppose that he would have had m ore as my DH's family is larger than mine (especially as I'm NC with a bunch of my own relatives).. but it was such a non-problem! I was far more worried with making sure that the MILs stayed under control than comparing our families' reproductive vigour!

Rachie1973 · 01/11/2017 23:39

I have both parents, 5 uncles/aunts, 8 first cousins, 3 siblings, and 12 nieces/nephews.

My husband has a sister and her H, and 2 nephews.

That's it. That's just the way it is. We chose not to have 'sides' to level it out. Plus my lot incorporate everyone into the family lol.

My son gets married this month..... he has 3 full siblings, and 3 step siblings. He's marrying the only child of an only child with an absent father. Again.... they've mixed up the 'sides'.

For some reason my kids tend to go for only children or those with small families. I think it's to do with wanting a less manic side as it were. And those only children always seem to want to be part of something bigger. Its weird, but it seems to work lol.

Catalufa · 01/11/2017 23:41

You’ve been arguing about this for a year without reaching some kind of agreement or compromise? Seriously?!

Either you are the two most stubborn people in the world, or he doesn’t really want to get married and is looking for an excuse.

Surely any solution is better than to keep arguing about this?

BackforGood · 01/11/2017 23:41

He's being utterly ridiculous.

You've been arguing for over a year about this.

Are those two things not telling you something?

This ^ . So much this.

He is clearly being bonkers, and I'm amazed some people actually seem to agree there should be equal 'numbers' Confused.
It is just one of those things that you have more bodies that are the same relationship to you than he does. Does he really expect you to invite 1 sibling and not another, because you have 2 and he has 1 {for example} - can he not hear how ridiculous that would be?

I haven't been at a wedding for years where people sit on 'bride' or 'groom' 's side during the ceremony, and it's up to you how you arrange any seating at the Reception. It is pretty unbelievable that this is stopping you from being a married couple.... which takes us back to the point above.

Hazandduck · 01/11/2017 23:45

OP does your MIL (to be) have much sway on your fiancé? DH’s family is tiny compared to mine, and he was absolutely fine with my big crazy family all coming, but when we first started planning his Mum wanted to invite all her cousins who we’d never met to even up the numbers. He luckily dismissed her suggestion, because he had never met them, whereas I have French cousins who don’t even live in the UK that he sees more often who we invited because although my family is a lot bigger than his, we are also closer and all meet up regularly. It may be that he is having pressure from his family? Just a thought. I do think it unreasonable to ask you to reduce your family; you can’t help it if you have a bigger family, and this is just the beginning of merging your two different families together.

Mcakes · 01/11/2017 23:46

He is bvu and his attitude is pretty bizarre. My DP's entire family is 20 people (including cousin's partners and children) mine is over 60 at that level of relation. Both sides have 'whole family' gatherings at least once a year so we genuinely know and feel close to all of them (kids too).
We are planning a wedding next year and it would feel crazy to try to have balanced numbers. I would have been astonished if my partner suggested it as it would mean barely my immediate family could come!
Thus is a very common situation. Your DP needs to open his eyes and stop being so precious! Does he have any married friends (or family) who could talk some sense into him?

LegallyBrunet · 01/11/2017 23:48

He's being ridiculous, you can't help the size of your family

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