No money for me

[Tonotout]

I work almost full time hours and had dropped a few hours and worked my shifts around so that I could be looking after DC to save money on childcare but am becoming more and more annoyed that I have no money after I've allocated it to bills. Me and husband pay same amount into joint account for bills except for a couple which have been left in my name. I don't pay any money towards food as the bills in my name are around £450 anyway so that's more than food would be anyway.

He has some loans which he deals with and had negotiated a new loan which included getting renovations done and still paying less than the old loans he had. I have overdraft that I keep within arranged limit but with interest and I still can't pay anything off.
We both pay childcare equally.

I then scrape by trying to pay for petrol, and normally dip into child benefit to pay for any essentialls dc needs.

We haven't been on any holiday for a couple of years which is fine if not for him going away with lads for several days abroad.
I'm lucky if I buy myself some essentials when I maybe get a little extra in my pay from overtime. I'm not always able to get any overtime otherwise I'd suck it up and use it for the overdraft.

I sometimes meet friends for a coffee, but no nights out or events to go to.
I don't know how I've got into this situation and I'm now really getting fed up of it.

I suppose my AIBU is do I have to work on my own to sort this out as every time I've mentioned that I have no money he says, I've had a pay cut too.

He’s 100% living the single life while you (presumably) do most of the cleaning and other woman work for him. Ofc he’s happy the way it is, you have to scrounge but at least he doesn’t have to pay for a cleaner or childcare right?

I am quite disturbed that the last time you mentioned it he changed the subject and asked about a job you were supposed to apply for. Don't let him sidetrack you.

It sounds like he knows what he is doing to you and wants to keep it that way. I would ordinarily give a person the benefit of the doubt but if I were you, I would not put him on guard until I have done as much research as I can on his finances and spending. He will find it more difficult to wiggle out of the next convo if you came prepared. This info is also good to keep up your sleeve if this ever goes to a divorce court. Do it before he starts to hide income, statements and receipts.

What do you mean he will think you want some of his money, ffs you’re married, why should you pay a higher proportion of your earnings to running your home and family than he does?

We are not a one pot family either but have full transparency over finances and do have a joint account. My husband even knows my bank card number off my heart and goes and gets me cash out if I ask and it’s on his way.

I even know what my close friends earn, to have such a level of secrecy and inequality over finances in a marriage means it’s not s partnership in anyway shape nor form.

It's a deal breaker. Get out your payslip, tell him to give you his, write a full list of everything that's going out: childcare, dc clothes and shoes, bills, what he wants to spend on, what you need for spending. Then ask how he suggests that between you the bills get paid, savings if you can afford them, and you each get the same amount of fun money.

If he isn't willing to give you all the numbers and make a new arrangement by this weekend, have a serious think about the future. He's blatantly disrespecting you, the marriage, the family and the idea of a fair partnership.

Stop paying into the account until he is willing to negotiate.

Have you ever asked him what he earns?

I’m afraid your DH is a twat.

Do what Anne says, if he refuses start charging him for childcare and Home management.

It makes me really angry when I see stuff like this - you make all the sacrifices for your child while he carries on as if nothing has changed! Twat.

He’s a jerk. For all you know he’s setting aside a grand each month in savings while you struggle for basics. Time for some serious talking and if he won’t agree to a fairer set u, you need to have a hard think about your future.

I just have to put it across in a way that doesn't seem that I'm just wanting that cos im on less pay. I know that sounds stupid as we're a family so it shouldn't matter but I have a feeling he's just going to be grumpy that I'll be taking away some of HIS money.

This is awful. Why wouldn't you want to have the same access to cash that he does? You are a family - a team - a joint enterprise. There is a reason you feel you aren't part of the same team - it is because you aren't. he is on Team Himself and you are on Team Family.

Also wtf would he be grumpy?? My dh is delighted to give me his money. I'm the person in the world he likes and loves the most so of course he wouldn't have a problem giving me some of his money (or sweets or chocolate or whatever).

This man isn't nice.

Sorry 2 years older according to wiki

OP - have you got the family finances sorted now?