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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No money for me

61 replies

Tonotout · 01/11/2017 18:20

I work almost full time hours and had dropped a few hours and worked my shifts around so that I could be looking after DC to save money on childcare but am becoming more and more annoyed that I have no money after I've allocated it to bills. Me and husband pay same amount into joint account for bills except for a couple which have been left in my name. I don't pay any money towards food as the bills in my name are around £450 anyway so that's more than food would be anyway.

He has some loans which he deals with and had negotiated a new loan which included getting renovations done and still paying less than the old loans he had. I have overdraft that I keep within arranged limit but with interest and I still can't pay anything off.
We both pay childcare equally.

I then scrape by trying to pay for petrol, and normally dip into child benefit to pay for any essentialls dc needs.

We haven't been on any holiday for a couple of years which is fine if not for him going away with lads for several days abroad.
I'm lucky if I buy myself some essentials when I maybe get a little extra in my pay from overtime. I'm not always able to get any overtime otherwise I'd suck it up and use it for the overdraft.

I sometimes meet friends for a coffee, but no nights out or events to go to.
I don't know how I've got into this situation and I'm now really getting fed up of it.

I suppose my AIBU is do I have to work on my own to sort this out as every time I've mentioned that I have no money he says, I've had a pay cut too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tonotout · 01/11/2017 19:51

i think we just kind of continued our same way of paying bills and having his money and my money and it never occurred to me that we should adjust after dc came along. Really should have been done after marriage as we are meant to be a partnership. It's only since coming on here that I've had it all wrong.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 01/11/2017 19:51

So you dropped your hours so he too could save on childcare, and he spends the extra he saves on him and you could have nothing? That’s just lovely. Very kind of you indeed. Are they not his children then?

Seriously, tell him it stops, now. You want to see his pay statements, you will show yours, you will have a joint account where you each pay a percentage of your income in to cover all joint expenses. What’s left is what you spend on yourselves. Even split.

Either that or he ponies up with thr child maintenance and Fucks off out of it, and be sure to let him know you will tell all his friends how he keeps his family short of cash whilst he spends frivolously on himself.

messyjessy17 · 01/11/2017 19:53

And this is why seperate finances rarely work for women in relationships.

You mingle your dna to create new people but don't know what he earns? And he has much more money and therefore nice things that you?

Why would anyone live that way?

Yaley · 01/11/2017 19:53

What does your child benefit usually go towards if not stuff for the children? (You said you sometimes dip into it)

Arkengarthdale · 01/11/2017 19:55

If you’ve been on here for any amount of time you will already know this is financial abuse. I’m sorry for you, it’s a rotten way to live, scraping by while your husband has money for fun

rollingonariver · 01/11/2017 19:57

you’re doing the childcare he is saving a lot of money on that. He’s also saving on childcare when he goes away on lads holidays, I don’t see how it’s fair that you’ve taken a pay cut to provide said childcare so he doesn’t have to pay for it. Ask him for that money at local rates, maybe then he’ll understand?

Bluntness100 · 01/11/2017 19:59

Why would anyone live that way

It’s not even that, what sort of appalling person would have their spouse and the parent of their child go without, to watch them struggle day after day , whilst they blatantly spent money on enjoying themselves.

Absolutely awful.

Original poster

Tonotout · 01/11/2017 20:01

Yaley it is mostly on the dc but what I mean is if I see it's gone into the account I use it quickly for what she needs next- What is she growing out of and will need.
Yes I only cut a few hours of work but do set day's of the week to look after dc then.
Only realised that I should have said from then on that I should reduce my contributions to the bills the other day. It hadn't occurred to me that those days of pay he earns are basically funding his fun money.

OP posts:

rollingonariver · 01/11/2017 20:02

Also he doesn’t give a shit about you. I could never let my partner struggle while I go for treats all the time.
You’re only there to help provide his lifestyle. If you weren’t there he’d have a lot more to worry about.
Leave him and make sure he pays maintenance.

2ducks2ducklings · 01/11/2017 20:11

I don't understand how you can not know how much your husband earns. I know I'm in the minority but we pay everything into and out of our joint account. There's no 'his money' or 'my money', it's our money. I earn a lot less than my husband, but my job means I'm off work for all of the school holidays which helps massively with childcare.
There's honestly no way on earth that I would be struggling to do anything for myself whilst my husband was out buying himself new clothes and planning holidays abroad with friends. Especially if the family hadn't been on holiday for a couple of years! Frankly my husband would never allow this to happen anyway.
You're only BU in that you're not demanding transparency and fairness in regard to your family finances. But then, so is he!

expatinscotland · 01/11/2017 20:22

He knows. Of course he does. Who does this to their spouse? How monumentally selfish. You're being manipulated. Tell him it stops now or you're through. You're propping up his lifestyle of spending money on himself. Cannot believe he doesn't buy stuff for his own kids. What a twat!

AMagdalena · 01/11/2017 20:24

YANBU
Crumbs1 I second that.

I would seriously question my marriage if my DH wasn't transparent about his finances and expected to go Dutch all of the time, on everything.

BewareOfDragons · 01/11/2017 20:26

Your DH is a jerk.

You cut back on hours and earned income so your/HIS child's childcare costs would be lessened ... is he paying you at least half of what you've lost in income to look after HIS child?

He has treats, nights out, and you're barely able to afford necessities?

Not much of a husband. He's not in it with you...

BanyanTree · 01/11/2017 20:27

I can't believe the women who put up with this shit.

dotdotdotmustdash · 01/11/2017 20:28

I must be in the same minority too, 2ducks. Dh and I have had a joint account since we first began living together as a couple with shared bills. Both our salaries go into and all the DDs come out of it. Whatever is left is spent on food, petrol and entertainment. We tend not to spend more than about £50 on unplanned items without informing each other so we can monitor our spending. We both access the account via digital banking.

I honestly don't understand why married people keep separate accounts! When we married we committed to share our lives and money and lifestyle is a huge part of that.

QueenLaBeefah · 01/11/2017 20:32

I really can't understand how marriages like this work.

My advice would be, when he next treats himself to a jolly, is to rip the house/car/garage apart looking for payslips, P60s, bank statements etc. Literally anything that would give you a clue as to how much he earns. Take all that information to a divorce lawyer and then start planning.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 01/11/2017 20:32

How much does he spend on the dc's/the house/you/family activities etc in relation to his own entertainment?
My ex used to spend £500 on a weekend with his mates (many times a year) but we 'couldn't afford' furniture so everything was old hand me downs or what i'd bought before we met etc
He knows he's better off than you and he hasn't fixed it. What does that tell you?

New Dp gives me every extra penny he has to make sure me, the kids and the house have everything we need, drives a clapped out car so we can afford a decent mum wagon for the family, that sort of thing.
You need to sort this now, he knows he's taking the piss.

Turkkadin · 01/11/2017 20:56

This is not a marriage in any sense of the word

LondonGirl83 · 01/11/2017 20:59

I'm another one who has only ever had joint accounts with my DH- there is only joint money. Over the course of our relationship there has been times he has earned more and now I earn more but we always share everything and have an agreed household budget. I get that might not work for everyone but the idea that you don't even know how much he earns is crazy and he is definitely taking advantage of you regarding the childcare situation. Find out how much he earns and go from there in agreeing a household budget

Winebottle · 01/11/2017 21:08

You need to renegotiate the finances.

I don't think you can blame him for not being fair if you haven't had a serious talk to him about it. He hardly sounds like he is rolling in it. He could well be finding things a bit tight and if you don't know how he is doing, he probably doesn't know how you are doing. If you talk to him about it and he refuses to change things then, yes, he is being a nob.

I prefer the "socialist" philosophy of thinking of all income as family income and then each of us gets an allowance to spend on ourselves but it can also work by thinking of your income as your own as long as the expenses are allocated in a progressive way.

Either way, I think income and debts should be disclosed. I don't think it is necessary to disclose what money set aside for you is spent on. I have never looked through my husband's bank account but I would expect to be told if it went overdrawn or if more money was coming in.

Original poster

Tonotout · 01/11/2017 21:40

I think I will try and sit down and discuss it with him and suggest that we both work hard and that the amount each brings into the home is irrelevant. I'd find it easier to work on if we just combine everything and have equal fun money. I just have to put it across in a way that doesn't seem that I'm just wanting that cos im on less pay. I know that sounds stupid as we're a family so it shouldn't matter but I have a feeling he's just going to be grumpy that I'll be taking away some of HIS money.

Last time I mentioned it- he just asked if I'd applied for a job I'd been given details of from an agency but it meant coming out of a public sector body and so leaving pension behind etc which I'm not prepared to do. I have good worker rights, and benefits so not wanting to leave.

OP posts:

AnathemaPulsifer · 01/11/2017 21:47

You're effectively paying all of the childcare you do yourself by losing wages for it, then still paying half of the childcare bill. Screw that. Then the bills you pay are higher than what he pays? WTF?

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 01/11/2017 22:01

So you have to walk on eggshells and plan carefully his you're going to ask him for him to share 'his' money with his wife and family?
You've mentioned it before and he asked you if you'd applied for another job implying that you had to earn it?

expatinscotland · 01/11/2017 22:14

He's not a team player. 'His' money, that you subsidise by providing all the childcare. The fact that you feel like you have to walk on eggshells to discuss how bloody unfair this on you and your kids says it all. Only a real douche would do this to their family.

expatinscotland · 01/11/2017 22:15

I'd start digging around to find out how much he earns.

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