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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my Mum at my birth but not my Dad

35 replies

scampiandchips1 · 01/11/2017 16:25

Due in a few months with my first and I’m an only child so parents are very excited!
They live abroad in Europe, I’m in the UK, and have said as soon as I go into labour they will book a flight to come over straight away.
We have a spare room for them to stay in and a big enough house for us not to get in each other’s way, but I just feel like I only want my Mum there and not my Dad. I love my Dad dearly and we are very close, however he is quite set in his ways and also quite lazy and demanding when he comes to stay, he’s not like that at all in his own home! He’s not been very well recently and has spent a lot of time in hospitals which has made him quite institutionalised, can’t really explain it very well but where he had nurses waiting on him hand and foot, he now has a sense of entitlement for this kind of service when he stays with me!

My Mum on the other hand is really helpful and a bundle of energy and I think she’d be great to have around after the birth.
Feeling really anxious though about them both staying straight after the birth, I worry it would be too much with my Dad there too, especially as I plan to breast feed and don’t want to have to go off and hide in my own house.
Has anyone else been in this situation? I feel like if I ask my Dad not to come he’d be really offended so don’t know if there is another option really.
I really wanted my Mum to come and stay once DH goes back to work after paternity leave, so 2 weeks after baby is born, is that too long to expect them to wait to fly over? Was thinking they could come together but then my Dad could head back after a few days and my Mum could stay for a bit longer.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 01/11/2017 16:34

I think you need to have a talk with your mother about your concerns. As for hiding in your own home when/if your father is there, that is ridiculous. If he has an issue with breastfeeding, then he can be the one to remove himself. You're a grown woman who doesn't have to cow to her dad.

Original poster

scampiandchips1 · 01/11/2017 16:44

I’ve spoken to my Mum about it but she just brushes it off as says it will be fine.
Is it normal to breastfeed in front of your father? I have no idea! We are quite a prudish family I guess, have never seen my parents naked!

OP posts:

Goosegrass · 01/11/2017 17:06

It’s normal to breastfeed in your own house. If your dad is in that house and has a problem with it he knows what he can do.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/11/2017 17:23

I nursed both of my children with my father present all the time. If that had made him uncomfortable, he knew where the door was. I don't alter the way I parent my children in my own home for anyone.

whoareyoukidding · 01/11/2017 17:26

It is normal to breastfeed in front of your dad and I agree with the others: if he doesn't like it he can do one.

picklemepopcorn · 01/11/2017 17:27

I managed. The worst was feeding in front of my FiL, teen age BiL and unmarried BiL. I reasoned that if I could do that I’d do anything!

RavingRoo · 01/11/2017 17:29

Why not ask your mum specifically for the birth and post birth stuff (and specify it’s to help you go to the toilet etc etc) and request that your dad can follow once you’re up and about?

BELLAARA · 01/11/2017 17:30

It could be that OPs dad would have no problem at all but OP feels a bit uncomfortable with the prospect?

YellowFlower201 · 01/11/2017 17:32

I fed in front of my dad. I never thought about it tbh. I think he was/is a bit uncomfortable but he’s doing his best to support and actually said he was glad baby was feeding well at some point early on.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 01/11/2017 17:33

OP, I think your Dad will be really offended to be asked not to come. Do you think your Mum could be the one who looks after him, while at the same time helping you out with baby? Hopefully if she's got lots of energy!

Bunnychopz · 01/11/2017 17:36

I would probably email him and ask him what his plans are in relation to making meals and such while visiting as you will be busy breast feeding in the lounge and recovering and looking after the baby. It would be nice to see him of course but it’s going to be a very different type of visit.

PotteringAlong · 01/11/2017 17:36

Completely normal to breastfeed in front of your father. In fact my dad, even though it'd been over 30 years since my mum had breastfed us by the time the first grandchild was born, had retained a remarkable amount of breastfeeding knowledge and when we were visiting them kept getting me drinks because "it's important to keep your fluids up!".

Bunnychopz · 01/11/2017 17:37

Or ask your mum if she’s looking after her and your dads needs as you won’t be able to

chloehazel · 01/11/2017 17:48

May I ask if you are from a cont. European country, or your parents just happen to be staying there right now?
I am originally from Central Europe and even though my parents are super chill about this, I would completely understand your worry about breastfeeding. In my home country breastfeeding is the standard choice BUT people are hiding it hardcore. Like going to mall toilets when out or withdrawing to the bedroom when having guests.

By the way I think it would be completely reasonable to ask your mum to come a couple of weeks after the baby is born and your DH is back to work. You can explain that you will have help as your DH will be there and you wanna be very chill and nesting with your new baby and your husband for those weeks. Maybe if it's a couple of weeks after, you won't mind your dad as much either? I don't know. I totally understand as I have a dad I absolutely love but who can be so incredibly difficult sometimes. But I still think if you tell him not to come you would hurt him big big time.

JaneEyre70 · 01/11/2017 17:53

I think your dad will be heartbroken if you ask him to stay away. And think about it, your mum is there to wait hand and foot on him if she so chooses, it won't be your job and get your DH on side saying he's not to either. As for breastfeeding, it's something perfectly natural, you will be in your own home and if your dad feels uncomfortable, he can leave the room. You're worrying far too much about what ifs. My dad was actually really supportive and encouraging when I breastfed, in direct contrast to my mum who constantly told me my baby was hungry and it was better with a bottle as you can see what they've had .

Inertia · 01/11/2017 18:00

You can breastfeed wherever babies are allowed to be- that certainly includes your own home! If your dad doesn't like it, he's free to move to another room.

I think your dad probably would be offended to be asked to stay away. I think you need to have a chat with your mum and explain that you won't be able to do any hosting, so you'd be relying on your mum to look after your dad in terms of meals, tidying up, cups of tea etc if he's not able to do so himself.

Ttbb · 01/11/2017 18:05

Have them come together. Put your mother on baby sitting duties-baby sitting your Dad that is. Then have him fly back after a few days while your mother stays.

Fruitcorner123 · 01/11/2017 18:07

OP you can breastfeed without getting your boobs out if you want to ( although of course getting your boobs out is fine too) when my dad or FIL is over I wear a vest under another top and lift one up and pull the other down. That's personal preference for me. My FIL tends to choose to leave the room anyway but that's up to him.

As for the other things just make it clear that you won't be hosting as normal and they are coming to help. I would have that conversation with both of them in the most polite way possible.

I think it would be rude to say to your parents that one can come and the other can't and your dad will be hurt by this.

confusedlittleone · 01/11/2017 18:44

Tell your mum she has to come alone or not at all and that you'd like her help 2 weeks after baby is born but only if she comes alone.

confusedlittleone · 01/11/2017 18:46

And it's your baby your choice- if he doesn't like it then to bad! Please don't be guilted into something you don't want to do

PotteringAlong · 01/11/2017 18:46

Tell your mum she has to come alone or not at all and that you'd like her help 2 weeks after baby is born but only if she comes alone.

Oh god, please don't do that. I'm not sure your relationship with either of them would e ever recover.

Original poster

scampiandchips1 · 01/11/2017 19:11

Thanks for the advice. I think you are all right and the best course of action is to make a pact with my Mum that she can babysit my Dad. They have a weird relationship in that they eat different foods at different times because a) they have different tastes in food b) my mum is an awful cook c) my dad is constantly eating! (He’s not overweight somehow!)
I think I will broach the subject of them coming 2 weeks after the birth rather than being there for the birth, and make that all about the fact that DH will be back at work so they will be more useful then.
We are all English, they just live abroad.

OP posts:

Elledouble · 02/11/2017 07:31

Definitely normal to breastfeed in front of your dad. Mine used to jump up and get me a drink while I was feeding my son because that’s what he used to do for my mom

PandorasXbox · 02/11/2017 07:37

Yep definitely talk to your mum and tell her your concerns. You’ll feel better once it’s off your chest and bullet pointed everything you want her to know. Try not to stress now.

ForalltheSaints · 02/11/2017 07:57

Could your dad have specific things to do if he came for a short while? Such as going shopping or some particular household task to give you and your mum more time for other things? So he would be contributing and feel valued.

This could be something you suggest to your mum- you'd like him there if he could do some things to help.

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