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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect Inlaws to babysit

101 replies

jampot · 14/04/2007 13:52

MIL and FIL have been over here since the day before our wedding anniversary in March and have still not offered to babysit their only grandchildren so we could go out. They have however asked if dh can drive them to Sheffield tomorrow to collect somehting from a friends house despite them both being able to drive.

Dh is frightened to ask them to babysit tonight in case they want to stay over (we have no spare room) so I have text them from his phone asking if they will babysit for a couple of hours. They have their phone on permanently because it is their only phone in this country. Have had no reply still after 4.5 hours.

OP posts:
MrsDanvers · 15/04/2007 23:09

Jampot and Pinkballoon, I'm in a similar situation too, hence the previous terse message! Agree with other posters that Gp's shouldn't feel obliged to help out all the time but I do feel that with family what you put in is what you should get out. Isn't the point of families that you should all help each other if/when possible within reason?

likemylife · 15/04/2007 23:12

Its not just IL's ... my mum wont babysit my dd - infact, dd is not even allowed in her house! She will occassionally pick her up from childminders and take her back to my house if i'm going to be home late from work but even this is a massive effort and takes a lot of persuading!

nallydoolally · 15/04/2007 23:28

My ILs live 5 mins away and don't babysit, but I stopped asking a long time ago, because always got the "well, i suppose i could not do blah blah, but i would rather not miss it, but if you haven't got anyone else, then i suppose i could....." speech. I felt like i was asking them to chop off their left arm or something daft like that. too much hassle. now i don't know if they want to be asked or not, but we don't have the money to go out so it hasn't been an issue for a while. i do know they look after BIL's 2 dc at least once a week though
my mum on the other hand will travel for an hour to spend an afternoon with dc and would happily stay over to babysit them at the drop of a hat!

Original poster
jampot · 15/04/2007 23:52

so is the trend that the father's parents are worse for some weird reason?

OP posts:
MrsApron · 16/04/2007 00:54

not here. My mum is barely around but my in laws would bite my hand off for sitting duties.

My mum is generally crap though not just about baby sitting.

In laws are v good actually, we have had our differences but mostly due to me being raised by wolves and struggling with how proper families behave.

custy · 16/04/2007 01:01

yes you are.

as a parent it is reasonable to be unreasonable in your requests of your children ( ie - take me to sheffield)

however as an adult child it is unreasonable to expect that grandparents will automatically like your little darling.

they of course may not particularly like your child - just goo and gah in the riht places becuase they actually love their son - rather than your kid

sorry to piss on your parade - but grandmotherdom isn't a far distant future for me - next 5-10 years and i most certainly will utter the words " fuck right off" if i am expected to do anything.

MrsApron · 16/04/2007 01:04

Why is it ok for the gp to be unreasonable but not ok for the child to be unreasonable and ask for a bit of time off?

Surely if they love their child then they should babysit even if they cannot stick the grandchildren?

MrsApron · 16/04/2007 01:05

Also perfectly reasonable for the child to say fuck off go to sheffiled yourself.

custy · 16/04/2007 01:12

of course as they are all adults every one can pronounce "fuck off" if they so wish.

my personal opinion is that the parent child power relationship is such that - the parent will ask unreasonable things being the 'alpha' adult in said situation.

being the 'beta' adults in the hierarchy the parents can often feel an obligation to the grandparents to do things above and beyond the call of duty.

i love my children very much - and i can continue to love them without babysitting for them.

nappyaddict · 16/04/2007 01:18

jampots you're in the west midlands aren't you? if you ever need anyone to watch them again just ask!

1dilemma · 16/04/2007 01:25

my in laws live overseas and not so long ago moved in with us (tiny 2 bed flat 4 in it allready) for an unspecified length of time announcing 'we're here to help'. So we asked them to babysit once lunchtime while I went to work to sort something out 'no we want to go to a free concert there's so much to do in London' was the response. SO we asked if they would sit with oldest while I took youngest to Docs 'oh we'll come with you it will be interesting to see your Drs surgery' MIL likes to moan so didn't take them to Docs. However she is virtually raising her own daughters children and has her other DIL s for 3 mornigs a week now they are living with them

1dilemma · 16/04/2007 01:27

In answer are you being unreasonable? no will they? Doesn't look like it. Agree with getting dh to ask them though. How about lunch out for you? Not so special but it might happen

Original poster
jampot · 16/04/2007 08:57

thats an interesting point you make custy about the alpha/beta thing. My parfents are dead so I guess I am the alpha in this respect - so are dh's parents in their relationship with him.

nappyaddict - thats kind thank you

OP posts:
LunarSea · 16/04/2007 09:20

Jampot - if your 2 wouldn't mind having a baby around I'll come over one night for you.

Spidermama · 16/04/2007 09:23

jampot I have exactly the same with my parents and ILs. It's infuriating. I don't even bother to ask them now because the pain of rejection gets me too het up.

Once or twice my MIL babysat but it was like she was doing this enormous favour. We had to spend about a year preparing the ground for her and then we had to gush about how fantastic she'd been for three weeks afterwards. It's just not worth it.

Stay in. That's what I say.

LilRedWG · 16/04/2007 09:28

My ILs are great - enjoy babysitting and want to have DD overnight as soon as I'll let her go

My sadness is that my parents are too riddled with arthritis to be able to lift and look after DD, so I feel bad that I can't ask them to babysit

Spidermama · 16/04/2007 09:30

LilRedWG that's great. Surely it's healthy and functional to want to look after your own grand children once in a while.

Original poster
jampot · 16/04/2007 12:54

lunarsea im happy for you to come over to visit not to babysit

its not as though we wont leave them completely as we have done once or twice but obviously an adult around is better.

Im sure i can find a local teen to do the honours and i'll stop asking inlaws

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 16/04/2007 13:10

One shouldn't expect grandparents to take any responsibility whatsoever for grandchildren. Children are the sole responsibility of parents.

However, if grandparents offer to take responsibility this may be gratefully received (or gently refused, if not desired).

If grandparents request favours of adult children, adult children are not obliged but may wish to cooperated. Adult children may then request favours of grandparents - such as babysitting. If grandparents do not want to reciprocate on favours they request, you should probably stop doing the favours they ask of you.

Bananaknickers · 16/04/2007 13:30

My grandparents had us all the time.We stayed over lots.
My mum however won't babysit for us but wants all the kisses from the children ect.
I will not even ask her anymore as it really makes me cry and feel unloved and un supported.
She sees the children alot. I asked her for the last time two years ago after dh and I had recently got back together. We needed some time together. I took her and her friend shopping all day.I asked her on the way home and she said " You must be joking I am knackered". She promtly sat up until 2 in the morning with her friend that night.
She had so much support from her parents when we were younger.
I expected my children to be rewarding and hard work at times. What I never expected was to never get a break from them.

Bananaknickers · 16/04/2007 13:33

Dh goes out once month with his friends and I go out with mine. The only way we can go out.
Not the life I would want for my children and their partners.

Anna8888 · 16/04/2007 13:36

bananaknickers - can't you get a babysitter sometimes? or do a babysitting swap with friends - have their children over for the night one Saturday and then send your children over to them for the night the next week?

Nicjay · 16/04/2007 14:05

my in-laws live 15 minutes away, my dd3 is now 6 weeks and they still havent seen her, saying that they were not that bothered about my other 3 either, they dont phone here unless they want dp to do something for them, although they phone dp's brother every day to see how he and his children are.

When it comes to babysitting i would rather leave them with the dog than with my MIL i think they would be safer, at least they know the dog.

1dilemma · 16/04/2007 22:41

Nicjay that's sad my dcs are only tiny but I can't imagine treating one so differently from the other.

Nicjay · 17/04/2007 07:42

I have tried everything, i have invited them for dinner, asked if they would prefer me to meet them in town, i refuse to take my dc to her house as she smokes and she refuses to go outside. dp and i do not smoke so we dont like dc's being around smokers, my mum smokes but if she knows i am going there for the day, she will open all of the windows and then go down the bottom of the garden, if its raining she will sit in the shed!