To expect Inlaws to babysit

[jampot]

MIL and FIL have been over here since the day before our wedding anniversary in March and have still not offered to babysit their only grandchildren so we could go out. They have however asked if dh can drive them to Sheffield tomorrow to collect somehting from a friends house despite them both being able to drive.

Dh is frightened to ask them to babysit tonight in case they want to stay over (we have no spare room) so I have text them from his phone asking if they will babysit for a couple of hours. They have their phone on permanently because it is their only phone in this country. Have had no reply still after 4.5 hours.

It's sad, but i think in these situations you need to just accept it and not feel bitter. I have a number of friends who've had the same issue. For us it was slightly different in that neither set of parents lived near enough to help, we never got help and never expected it. I suppose one advantage is that if you're paying a babysitter, at least there's no guilt or payback involved - you can do things more on your terms.

When we had our first baby and went to visit my parents some distance away we asked if they could keep the baby and we went out to the pub together which would have been our first night out I think. They reluctantly agreed. My mother said she felt "used". Oh dear. I think she was only just getting my brother off her hands so was looking forward to 20 child free years so didn't want a precedent set of a lot of babysitting. We knew not to expect much help after that although she did when they were a bit bigger come down and take the girls out for the day sometimes - she used to take them to see Harrods and I am sure they remember it happily but there was never a lot of grand parent babysitting for us partly because we didn't live near either set.

i could understand gparents not wanting to be put upon every week etc but a couple of hours every 2/3 years or so shouldnt be too much to ask surely?

Another thing that annoys dh is that in Spain they regularly cook for up to 40 people. Last year when they were over we dropped in on them as we were in teh locality and they had spent the day and the previous one cooking curry and other Indian dishes because they were having some friends over for dinner. They must have cooked about 10 dishes. They have not once invited us over for a meal in teh whole time we've been togehter

Can I just put in a input for the defense, I am a grandparent and MIL. I love my granddaughter and see her everyday and baby sit whern ever needed, But, I think I would resent it if i was expected to, we do have lives of our own, we have brought our children up, now is our time to be selfish and do what we want.
Before you all go off in the deep end wait till you become the grandparent.

ok so maybe expect was the wrong word to use. If your ds/dd asked you to babysit and you hadnt done it in several years but knew they could go out and talk in private would you do it? if you had nothing else omn?

Shoshable, you sound lovely.

It's a difficult issue, and this is easier said than done, but really you need emotionally to walk away and not expect anything. When ds1 was small, mil would happily have his 2 cousins to stay overnight and for long daytime stretches too. One was ds's age. Dh and I ONCE asked her if she could have him overnight shortly before ds2's arrival. (See another thread for her "help" around that birth !) She wouldn't. We recognised we weren't entitled to the help, but it wasn't nice either to feel she was capable of helping out just the once but couldn't be bothered. But I felt much better for making the effort to put in some emotional distance in the sense of having zero expectations.

Subsequently we were lucky enough to be able to afford a great mother's help part time for ages, but that was afternoon help for me, not really sole charge, and not babysitting.

Mil and my mum are either too infirm/ too far away now to help, so we either stay in or I occasionally (2-3 times per year) ask our adult neice.

I'm trying out soon a student recommended to me by a mum at ds3's school, who wants to babysit to earn extra momey. May not work out, but at least she is recommended and local and not too expensive.

Every parent needs an aunty type figure to help out now and again, imo, but we don't all have one unfortunately !

yes if I had nothing else on, as I said I do baby sit often, but a lot of people of my age have very busy lives, there is more disposable income for my age group now, we do more, go more places, many live abroad, our families are not always our 1st priority once they have left home and had families of their ow. saying that mine is, but i know they are not for a lot of my friends.

Thabk you powder

my inlaws do live abroad for most of the year - when they come back over here for a few months they are always complaining they are bored. I have brought up the children not expecting from anyone but feel that whenever we have asked for help it is not forthcoming. One incident that springs to mind is when i was carrying ds and bleeding, hospital told me to rest and to avoid prolonged standing or lifting. Dh asked his mum who lived 10 mins away if she could possibly help out with ironing and she said no.

FIL keeps thinking of ways to move in with us and his latest is for us to convert the garage to sleeping facilities for them. They are also pushing for us to buy a 4 bed house next so they can stay with us

Shoshable - i second powder28 - you sound lovely! I think a lot of grandparents feel like you these days, and I'm sure my generation (early 40s) will continue in the same vein. I mean, I teach full time, and I can well imagine that i could still be established in my career if/when grandchildren come along. I certainly wouldn't want to feel that i was 'expected' to childmind/babysit etc. Don't you also think that grandparents should have a different role anyway? My memory of my own grandparents is that seeing them was a very special thing, associated with holidays and treats (they didn;t live nearby)not just the day to day stuff.

It's interesting as the older we get the more we understand our parents. Having our childen helps us understand them better as parents and then as our own children get older we understand our parents as they got older, or so I find. I am bettween the jampot and Shosh position in that I'm quite looking forward to the children being off my hands at some point and I work full time and although I would love to see and have grandchildren stay here the difficult issue will be deciding the amount.

I think more grandparents look after children in the UK so their children can work than any other form of child care there is! Some don't want to but feel they should. Some don't have the energy for it. I will still be working so that wouldn't be a possibility but I would love to have them to stay when they arrive (assuming I will get at least one grandchild out of 5 children given I had my children reasonably young).

On the thread topic this lot sound particularly unhelpful. We took my brother and sister on holiday to Spain once at my expense hiring the villa when the 3 children were under 10 and they had no children. We were amazed they never once offered to babysit or offer to pay for anything. I think that was more the fact it just never occurred to them but nor did we feel we could even ask them as we thought it was self evident we might want a night out together without the children.

I lived in a entirely different continent to my grandparents for most of my life as a child, and only met my maternal grandparents 3 times before they died, we came home to my paternal grandparent s on leave tho, and my grandfather lived with me after my grandmother died, and I now have my father most weekends, but we are quite a unusual family now. My parents supported me as a single parent back in the early 80's looking after my DS for me so I could go back to Uni. they didn't look after any of my siblings children, they lived far away, and to be honest I don't think they were ever asked, my siblings are brothers and I think their MIL's babysat, maybe it is a mother daughter thing.
I have no daughter and my DGD is from my sons previous relationship born of teenage parents who weren't together when she was born so we have always done a lot of her caring.
DS is now married to a wonderful girl, who is SA so her parents are a long way away, I have a close relationship with her, and really looking forward to them becoming parents. I think that my relationship with their children will be different that with DGD tho, as they will not need me as much, but think I will be trying to steal the baby away for a sneaky evening cuddle now and then and pushing them out the door

my parents and parents in law are great, and each look after my children one day a week, by sorting breakfast, taking and collecting from school while i work. my dh is away a lot too, so they end up giving them tea sometimes too. But I don't like asking them to babysit in the evenings too, as i feel they do their bit already. Unless it is a party/bday or something, i will, but it usually only happens say every 3 mths each, else i feel guilty. I don't feel i should 'expect them' to do it. on the other hand my mum has asked frequently if she can take out my brothers children for a walk etc, and the answer from SIL is always no, but SIL mother is allowed - very unfair and cruel on my mum, who is a fab grandmother. should both be treated the same

i can understand why people wouldnt ask for babysitting if their parents/inlaws helped out with the children already but ours do NOTHING at all. No drop off/pick up no mealtimes, no ever having teh children. We've never been out on our wedding anniversary without the children, didnt have honeymoon, no birthdays/V day without children even when they are here. Therefore when the time does come there is no way i could have them live with us - it would be like making our children live with strangers

Jampot I couldn't ever imagine not being a part of my grandchildren's lives, they are the joy that comes in your later years.

maybe because for years it was only DS and I (I was a single parent when there was not many of us about) and my parents looked after him so I could work, I had a good roll model to follow on from.

shoshable - do you have room for 2 more?

No sorry Jampot I CM six others as well

ah you clearly like children anyway then

MIL was a teacher - you'd think she liked them too

Think It has a lot to do with how you were brought up, i am very much my mothers daughter, she instilled in us some wonderful values.

Jampot, look on it as being their loss. You can't get back those years when they were little. They may wish, when they are a lot older,and their grandchildren don't bother with them, and can't get out of the house, that they had made more time for them, and thought of something other than themselves.

jp, they seem to be particularly unhelpful. Their loss. If they have been in England for a month and are rarely here you'd expect them to want to see the grandchildren and help a bit.

When our youngest two were 1 and 3 and I was pregnant my ex husband's mother and sisterinlaw came and stayed for a week and with our nanny looked after the 2 children whilst we had a week's holiday without children (except the one inside me), although actually I thought at the time it was too long to be away and we didn't repeat it. It is party an age thing. I had my first children nearly 20 years before my brother and sister so my parents are now either dead or too ill to be any help at all.

It may be a communication thing like between men and women. Men can't read minds so sometimes you have to say something nicely and clearly again and again before it gets through. It might never have occurred to them to babysit. May be they think you love being with the chidlren all the time or something. I think he should ask them to babysit along the lines of I'm sure you would love to spend some time with the grandchildren whilst you're over here and we woudl certainly appreciate it if you could have them for a few hours to help us out as we really never do get the chance to get out.

i reckon get dh to ask them personally next time - i think it is up to him to handle his parents (well thats what we do with ours!)

also i'm not sure texting is that polite? if someone asking me a favour i prefer to be asked rather than texted - and it is far harder to turn you down if he asks personally!!

Posted before to say that I'm in an identical situation to Jampot. However, my mum has now asked if I will look after her when she goes into hospital for dental work (take day off work, drive to her house in rush hour traffic, pick her up, drive her to hospital, wait around for half a day, pick her up again (impossible to park around this hospital), take her home and stay the night as she has to have someone with her for 24 hours after the anaesthetic - all with my child in tow!)

Couldn't believe that she would ask me when she's not prepared to do anything at all to help out me out with my DD.

Jampots your inlaws sound like selfish using bastards.

Give up and counter any move in with you remarks with "i don't think so, it is not a mutually beneficial arrangement" "please tell me what we would gain from it"