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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect Inlaws to babysit

101 replies

jampot · 14/04/2007 13:52

MIL and FIL have been over here since the day before our wedding anniversary in March and have still not offered to babysit their only grandchildren so we could go out. They have however asked if dh can drive them to Sheffield tomorrow to collect somehting from a friends house despite them both being able to drive.

Dh is frightened to ask them to babysit tonight in case they want to stay over (we have no spare room) so I have text them from his phone asking if they will babysit for a couple of hours. They have their phone on permanently because it is their only phone in this country. Have had no reply still after 4.5 hours.

OP posts:
beckybrastraps · 14/04/2007 14:55

OK.I'mnot sure if they live 20 minutes or 40 minutes away.

If 20, I would offer to drive them home afterwards.

If 40, I can see why you wouldn't want to do that, and also why they don't want to, given that they don't like driving. So I think you would need to ask them to stay overnight.

DO they get on with the children BTW?

powder28 · 14/04/2007 14:55

My parents babysit every other saturday night so we can go out. My mum also comes round when dh is at work to help me. I would find it very difficult without support.

Original poster
jampot · 14/04/2007 14:57

no i couldnt im afraid. Obviously if we've had a drink we wouldnt be driving at all. They do have a car and they both can drive so I couldnt really see tghe need for a taxi. They drive miles when they;re in Spain.

Believe me this is nothing compared to the things they;ve asked us to do

OP posts:
mytwopenceworth · 14/04/2007 14:58

well, since you asked - i think yes. i don't think anyone has the right to expect relatives to babysit their kids.

however, that doesn't mean you shouldn't have asked, as long as you accept it would be a favour, not your right and that if they say no, you have no right to be huffy. although - no reply after 4.5 hours - i think you can safely say that's a 'no'!

however - they also have no right to expect you to drive them around. if you have agreed to do so, that's nice of you, but it doesn't mean they owe you a babysit - unless you said i'll drive you to sheffield in return for you taking the kids for a couple of hours. - hey, you ought to try this. every time they want you to do something, you say yes, if you have the kids on X day at X time for X hours. barter!

Original poster
jampot · 14/04/2007 15:01

well they dont make any effort to get on with them. I dont think they dislike them but dont really know them as they have spent so little time with them. We had to go out for Easter Sunday lunch last week with them and FIL thought dd was a vegetarian - which she isnt.

Guess you're all right and we shouild just pay a babysitter despite being broke and they can drive themselves where they want to go

OP posts:
beckybrastraps · 14/04/2007 15:01

They ask you to do things, but have you actually asked them to babysit?

Original poster
jampot · 14/04/2007 15:03

yes we have asked many times even when they did live 10 minutes away. Generally the answer was things like "its too cold" or "your dad doesnt want to go out"

OP posts:
beckybrastraps · 14/04/2007 15:04

I suspect they are nervous. They don't know the children very well. They're not sure what to do.

If I were you I'd ask them face to face, and then you could talk through any issues that came up.

Unless there are other issues...

mytwopenceworth · 14/04/2007 15:05

stop doing stuff for them, then you'll feel less resentful.

they sound really mean and inconsiderate tbh. i don't believe people should expect others to babysit, but i don't think it is right of someone to take take take and not give at all.

i would withdraw my services!

beckybrastraps · 14/04/2007 15:09

Blimey, I keep x posting. Sorry.

OK, sounds like they don't want to babysit...

I still think they're probably nervous about it. But now they have a good excuse not to. Shame. IME, the teenage years are good times for grandparent - grandchild relationships. What with hating your parents and all that. They are missing out.

suzywong · 14/04/2007 15:10

yes, yes, yes but did they bring you decent duty free and a straw donkey?

Original poster
jampot · 14/04/2007 15:13

we do feel resentful as they are always trying to be too dependent on dh and me and rely on teh fact that dh wont say no. They only have 2 grandchildren and i would think its more normal to enjoy some time with them. They live in Spain for 8 months of the year so dont get the opportunity to see them very often anyway.

ivew just text them and said not to worry we've made other arrangements.

OP posts:
Original poster
jampot · 14/04/2007 15:14

no not even that Suzy

They brought soem aftershave for dh and a baseball cap from M&S for ds and dd with the usual "if you dont like it you can take it to the charity shop" comment. Obviously nothing for me

OP posts:
beckybrastraps · 14/04/2007 15:17

I still think you should talk to them. I bet when they ask you to do things they do it out loud. Much harder to say no to a person than to a text message.

suzywong · 14/04/2007 15:17

they do sound some what emotinally retarded - can we say that? sorry if not

Original poster
jampot · 14/04/2007 17:43

MIL has telephoned and left a message on answerphone to say when we sent the original message her phone was out of credit and she couldnt respond and then she put credit on it and it was at the bottom of her shopping bag - thats why she didnt respond

OP posts:
beckybrastraps · 14/04/2007 17:53

and...

Have they offered?

Original poster
jampot · 14/04/2007 17:59

no - we sent her a text before the phone call saying not to worry we had made other arrangemnets

OP posts:
MrsDanvers · 14/04/2007 22:47

As they can't be bothered to help you out, Jampot, I'm assuming that they won't be expecting you, DH and DGC to look after them when they're old and infirm. Selfish twats.

Babydaze · 15/04/2007 00:12

My inlaws have rarely babysat my children. It does make me sad but accept that it's their choice. They only live within walking distance to us but the few times we've asked over the years it's just been lame excuses. My sil's children are all grown up now yet she seems to forget that it was DH (her little bro) who often babysat for her 3 children from approx age of just 13. They don't know what they're missing out on.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2007 00:14

My ILs rarely babysit. They always want to leave at 10, and they complain about my home, the cooking, etc.

So we usually swap babysitting w/my SIL when we want to go out or she does.

pucca · 15/04/2007 00:26

I have absolutely no one who would babysit for me. (get the violins out!)

I have my parents who live 10 mins away and frequently have my nephew but wont have mine, not even for a few hours tbh.

Then i have inlaws who live 2 hours away, but currently have my niece and nephew for the weekend ( and do frequently), but see our kids for a hour a month (well not even that actually as they stand in the garden most of the time smoking their heads off!)

Dh and i havent had a night out (even a couple of hours) to ourselves since before dd was born (who is 3.4 yo).

I am currently VERY pissed off with all grandparents, as i do never get a break, not even an hour. I know they are my kids, but just 1 evening a month for a couple of hours would be heaven, but i now realise it aint gonna happen, but still feel hurt by it tbh.

Original poster
jampot · 15/04/2007 00:33

ah well they'll be going back week after next until about June. fingers crossed they've booked a mid-day flight with taxis to airport

OP posts:
powder28 · 15/04/2007 08:55

I think everyone deserves a break pucca, does your dd go to nursery or anythign like that?

Pinkballoon · 15/04/2007 09:13

Join the club Pucca! Have not had a night off for 4.5 years (despite relatives nearby!). I always like it when they say: "You're looking so tired!" DOH!