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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel betrayed

51 replies

Nomoretears56 · 31/10/2017 17:31

Long story short, I'm NC with my mother and 2of my brothers. I have had a best friend since childhood who was in a relationship with one brother many years ago.

I'm having quite serious health problems that will culminate in a seriously invasive surgery. I told my husband and my grown up children (to a lesser extent)and also told them to tell no one else. A few weeks ago I had a meltdown,was stressed at work and I messaged my best friend really distressed. She made a flying visit the next day(lives in another town quite far away), we had a good chat, she calmed me down and left. Now here's the thing, she went straight to my brother and told him,who in turn told my mum who then messaged my DIL to ask if it was true!!! Furious is no where near how I felt. If I'd wanted them to know I'd have told them myself. I trusted her, AIBU to tell her I feel betrayed? To tell her that i think meeting up with my brother was more important to her than respecting my privacy? And to tell her that now the trust has gone I can't move forward from this? I'm so hurt.

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ChuckysLoveChild · 31/10/2017 17:37

Did she know you didn't want to tell anyone else? I understand that you may want to keep it under wraps but she dropped everyone to come and see you when you needed her, so whilst you may feel angry perhaps taking a breath and a step back. I doubt she told them out of spite or gossip. More likely she worried and would imagine your family would want to know. Maybe she hope by telling them that it would repair the rift between you? By all means tell her you didn't want your family to know, but do it calmly

SilverSpot · 31/10/2017 17:39

From another point of view - you put a lot on her, she saw you in a really bad way and was worried about you. Potentially you aren't making rational decisions and unless there is a MASSIVE back story about your nightmare family, she probably thought you needed their support.

Original poster
Nomoretears56 · 31/10/2017 17:56

Chucks lovechild, yes I told her that I didn't want them knowing, to be me she saw the opportunity to see my brother again and couldn't resist and that became more important.
Silverstone, yes there are massive issues with my miserable narcissistic family and what makes it worse is that for 20 years until her mother died may friend didn't speak to her own mother, over that time she told me many things and I never once told her family, they weren't my secrets to tell, I never had to be asked, out of respect and love I kept her confidences.

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Original poster
Nomoretears56 · 31/10/2017 22:39

Bump please

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Maelstrop · 31/10/2017 22:43

So are you going to tell her how upset you are? Work backwards from her inevitable reaction, sorrow, upset, anger, possibly. Do you want to remain friends or has she ruined the friendship?

Neverender · 31/10/2017 22:47

Please don’t expect her to know how complicated your family is. She’s just done something which she thought would be supportive. It isn’t. And she should know that. But perhaps stop telling her stuff - she doesn’t seem to have the capacity to handle it on her own, and that’s ok.

Original poster
Nomoretears56 · 01/11/2017 06:48

I want to to continue the friendship but I don't want know if it will survive, like every relationship it needs trust and we'll have to work on that. My best friend was well aware how complicated our family relationship is, as I said we've been best friends for 40 years, she's been through the ins and outs of it and I've been there for her when things were bad for her, when I say we are best friends I really do mean BEST FRIENDS. I suppose I just need to work all this out in my head, get past the anger and hurt and speak to her.

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thegirlupnorth · 01/11/2017 07:14

Just ask her why she told the, when you'd asked her not to and tell her how you feel.

ChuckysLoveChild · 01/11/2017 10:22

Based on what you’ve said, you have every right to feel upset but if you still care for her then it’s a really good idea to talk to her and tell her how you feel

bellagood · 01/11/2017 10:28

YABU if you didn't tell her not to tell anyone else.

If I had a massive secret that I didn't want people knowing, and especially people I dislike, I wouldn't be telling a soul, let alone someone who has a connection with the people I have gone NC with.

ChuckysLoveChild · 01/11/2017 10:37

@bellagood - the op did say not to tell anyone!

Ellendegeneres · 01/11/2017 10:41

Bella op has made it clear she told her friend she didn't want others knowing.
Op I don't blame you. I'd be left feeling hurt, I'd probably feel unable to trust her again. I'd tell her that, how it's made you feel and then leave it.
What a shame that such a long standing friendship has come to this though. I hope your recovery is fast Flowers

Original poster
Nomoretears56 · 01/11/2017 13:58

bellagood

YABU if you didn't tell her not to tell anyone else.

If I had a massive secret that I didn't want people knowing, and especially people I dislike, I wouldn't be telling a soul, let alone someone who has a connection with the people I have gone NC with.

So you've never had a best friend who you would trust with your life? And if you'd bothered to read the whole thread (it's not long) you would know I had told her! there's always one!!

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MadMags · 01/11/2017 14:00

Why don't you ask her why she told them? If you want to salvage the friendship, I mean.

I would be so hurt and feel utterly betrayed. But if there's any chance it came from a good place then I'd want to know.

Original poster
Nomoretears56 · 01/11/2017 14:00

Thank you everyone for taking time to comment , this has seriously messed with my head, I'll give it a few days and then speak with her.

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Original poster
Nomoretears56 · 01/11/2017 14:04

Mamas, I'm sure it did come from a good place but I that doesn't change the fact that I'd asked her not to to say, also I hadn't told my children the full extent of my problem to avoid worrying them, now they know and are having to deal with something that I wanted to shield them from.

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Original poster
Nomoretears56 · 01/11/2017 14:04

*MadMags

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Happyemoji · 01/11/2017 14:08

Is it that serious did she look shocked when you told her?

Original poster
Nomoretears56 · 01/11/2017 14:12

Yes it's serious, I've had a similar Operation 10 years ago, this one is bigger. I told her over the phone and she was very calm, when she came to see me the next day she was also very calm.

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Happyemoji · 01/11/2017 14:36

It was still out of order what was she hoping to gain from it. Your family is none of her business.

Original poster
Nomoretears56 · 01/11/2017 14:49

I have no idea what she was thinking, I only know that had the tables been turned I would rather have gouged my own eyes out than to do what she's done. It's not that I wanted no-one knowing, it's that I didn't want THEM to know and that's the first people she told within an hour of leaving my house after specifically being told not to tell. I don't have friends who know my family apart from her, I can't believe that she would have thought I wouldn't find out.

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MadMags · 01/11/2017 14:50

I'm not defending her at all. But if you want to keep the friendship then you'll need to find a way to forgive her.

CabbagesOnFire · 01/11/2017 14:58

Tell her how angry you feel. Be true to yourself and your feelings. The friendship may be salvageable, but if you go into the conversation with her, with that uppermost in your mind, it won't be as powerful a conversation as it would be if you go into it acting as if you are prepared to lose the friendship over this.
I understand your feelings towards your family. You have the right to set the boundaries that you want with them, and if this happened to me I would feel the way you do.
The friendship may be salvageable, but perhaps say how you feel first, and consider the salvage operation afterwards, in my opinion.

Original poster
Nomoretears56 · 01/11/2017 15:01

MadMags
You're right I know you are, just don't know how I'm going to do it, along with my DH they are the people who I would trust with anything, losing her would be almost as bad as losing him. One of my problems is I hate confrontation so I need to be calm enough to keep things on an even keel, might take a few days Halloween Hmm

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Original poster
Nomoretears56 · 01/11/2017 15:03

CabbagesOnFire
Thank you. Almost everyone on here makes perfect sense, time to pull on the big girl knickers I think.

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