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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to feel betrayed

51 replies

Nomoretears56 · 31/10/2017 17:31

Long story short, I'm NC with my mother and 2of my brothers. I have had a best friend since childhood who was in a relationship with one brother many years ago.

I'm having quite serious health problems that will culminate in a seriously invasive surgery. I told my husband and my grown up children (to a lesser extent)and also told them to tell no one else. A few weeks ago I had a meltdown,was stressed at work and I messaged my best friend really distressed. She made a flying visit the next day(lives in another town quite far away), we had a good chat, she calmed me down and left. Now here's the thing, she went straight to my brother and told him,who in turn told my mum who then messaged my DIL to ask if it was true!!! Furious is no where near how I felt. If I'd wanted them to know I'd have told them myself. I trusted her, AIBU to tell her I feel betrayed? To tell her that i think meeting up with my brother was more important to her than respecting my privacy? And to tell her that now the trust has gone I can't move forward from this? I'm so hurt.

OP posts:

MadMags · 01/11/2017 15:07

Maybe an email? And say you're emailing because you don't want to be confrontational but you're hurt and upset and you need to understand why she betrayed your trust and did the one thing you asks do her not to.

Original poster

Nomoretears56 · 01/11/2017 15:16

MadMags

It's going to be a difficult conversation and perhaps that's the way to start it off, thank you.

OP posts:

MadMags · 01/11/2017 15:21

Good luck!

Ohyesiam · 01/11/2017 18:31

If you don't talk to her about it, you can't really carry on having a relationship with her.
What would be the reason for not talking about it?

Original poster

Nomoretears56 · 02/11/2017 05:48

It's not that I won't talk to her about it but having never been put in this position before it's difficult to know how to start it in a way that's not angry

OP posts:

Fishface77 · 02/11/2017 06:11

Why wouldn't you you be angry op?
You have every right to be.
Is this the first time she's done something like this?
Did she see it as a chance to "heal" you family as she regrets her own relationship with her mum?
I couldn't trust her again and this would be a friendship ended for me.

Original poster

Nomoretears56 · 02/11/2017 06:51

Fishface77
I have no idea why she went ahead with it. There is no healing to be done, it's long past time for that and she knew it, when she fell out of with her mother I tried to talk to her about it but not once did I ever go behind her back to her family, I knew that it wouldn't have been acceptable. As the days pass and I get less angry I am leaning to the thought that she wanted to see my brother again and the temptation was too great and if I'm honest that hurts. It also hurts that I could lose a friendship that has spanned 40 years because she couldn't keep her mouth shut when I had asked her to say nothing to them.

OP posts:

CabbagesOnFire · 02/11/2017 07:48

It's OK if you are angry. It's OK if you cry. Just somehow get the words out. "I can't believe you did that, I feel so betrayed" or something like that, for example. You don't have to go into massive long justifications or explanations. You just have to say one or two sentences. You have the right to feel the way you do. Your emotions are valid.
(You were probably raised in an environment where your emotions were belittled or dismissed, right? Nobody validated your feelings, and you struggle to validate your own feelings, but you can do that for yourself now...believe that you have the right to feel the way you do.)

SeaCabbage · 02/11/2017 08:00

YANBU - it does sound like a massive betrayal. She shouldnt' have told anyone at all, let alone people you are NC with.

When you email or speak to her my suggestion is that you ask her, calmly, why she told them and then just wait for her reply. Just that one sentence from you is enough to elicit what you want to know. Don't muddy the waters with anything else to start with.

What i am confused about is how long your friend has been in touch with your brother. Has she had any contact with him since you have been NC?

Original poster

Nomoretears56 · 02/11/2017 09:13

SeaCabbage

Also a tricky subject, they have "hooked up", over the years, not something I approve of but again it is wasn't my secret to tell.

OP posts:

CardsforKittens · 02/11/2017 09:29

I can understand why you're feeling so betrayed and angry. You trusted her and she let you down spectacularly badly.

I know when I'm angry about a betrayal my anger is an expression of feeling deeply hurt, and if it's similar for you, maybe that's the place to start the conversation with your friend: rather than focusing on your anger, start by telling her how hurt you are that she told people about your personal difficulties. After all, it's really not her story to tell. And if she says she was worried about you, well, that still doesn't give her the right to blab to your family.

Unfortunately you're probably right about her using your situation as an excuse to make contact with your brother, and perhaps her feelings about him were always going to be a danger to the friendship you have with her. Her loyalty to you was always a bit precarious. That's very hurtful too. I hope she will rethink her priorities.

Original poster

Nomoretears56 · 02/11/2017 20:47

Sent the text, "why did you tell them when I had specifically told you not to to, I feel betrayed and hurt".... Waiting on an answer.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nomoretears56 · 02/11/2017 21:00

I've had umpteen sleepless nights about this, I lay down, close my eyes and I can't get passed it, THEY haven't contacted me directly but they have a been in contact with my DIL, she is incredibly savvy and keeps both sides of the the family separate but tells me when there is a shitstorm brewing, I'm so scared that pretty soon the door will go and they'll be standing there, not to offer support but to tell me I've been selfish keeping it from them, I Just wish she'd shut up. We'll see what happens.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nomoretears56 · 02/11/2017 21:33

CabbagesOnFire
Thank you so much for that, you understand so much, now I feel I have the right to feel angry, disappointed, and hurt, she is my best friend but that doesn't give her the right to make decisions on my behalf.

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 02/11/2017 21:38

So your brothers her bit on the side

MadeForThis · 02/11/2017 21:45

Sounds like she feels some loyalty to your brother instead of you

She's probably using this as a chance to get close to him and just hoping that she can ask your forgiveness.

Original poster

Nomoretears56 · 02/11/2017 21:46

Yes although they are were engaged, nasty isn't it? Not my problem, I don't agree with it, but I've never said anything about it, I just wish that she could hav'granted me the same level of respect, I've never told her secrets, but mine were fair game, it hurts most that my kids are having to deal with the fact that their mum might be not be here much longer, I'm so angry!!!

OP posts:

Ellendegeneres · 02/11/2017 21:50

Oh nomoretears I'm sorry.
I can't imagine her reply will be anything besides self pity. It's all about her and how she feels. Sorry you're going through this ☹️

CabbagesOnFire · 02/11/2017 22:15

You have every right to be angry. Sounds like you're afraid too. Not only of the impending surgery, but in case they all turn up and criticise you on your doorstep. How to be with them if they do (they probably won't, but it's as wise to be prepared, just for your own ability to sleep tonight) is disinterested. If they're drama queens and kings, act like you don't care what they think, and then their power will be diminished.

Original poster

Nomoretears56 · 02/11/2017 22:28

CabbagesOnFire
I'm exhausted, I work, I cant sleep, I'm scared of my own shadow, this has gone on for too long now, I'm still waiting on a reply, doesn't much matter anymore, whatever time I've got left (and let's be honest, it could happen to anyone of us), my kids come first along with my DH. I'll wear my faux fur floor length leopard print coat, my 100% natural grey bob and be fabulous, and tonight after sending the text I might get some sleep!

OP posts:

Fishface77 · 02/11/2017 22:35

no more tears.
Focus on yourself and your immediate family.
If they turn up on your doorstop shut the door in their faces.

Original poster

Nomoretears56 · 02/11/2017 22:38

Fishface77
Thank you, I talk a good flight dont I

OP posts:

Original poster

Nomoretears56 · 02/11/2017 22:39

*fight

OP posts:

Original poster

Nomoretears56 · 08/11/2017 18:21

All sorted now, she admits she was wrong, I understand it's come from a good place but I've told her that it never happens again. She is so genuine that I know she meant no harm, we've been best friends for over 40 years and I can't see that just disappear, she knows that this can never happen again and what she risks if it does. Thanks for all the help and advice, don't know if I'd have had the guts for the conversation without you!!

OP posts:

MadMags · 08/11/2017 18:44

I'm so glad you got a good outcome.

Best of luck with your health.

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