School Mum has asked her child to not play with mine?

[poopsqueak]

My DD has come home from school a bit upset.

She says one of her very close friends has been told by her mother not to play with my child.

My daughter asked me to go speak with the teacher today and I said I thought it was maybe better if she dealt with the issue between her and her friend. I then saw my daughter go over to this girl in the playground before school started and this girl looked at her Mum (for permission I guess) before interacting with my daughter and the Mum shook her head and walked away. it was really sad tbh and I felt really crap for my DD.

AFAIK they have not fallen out, had any physical altercation, or had words of any sort. I asked my DD why she thought this had happened and she says she doesn't know.

I can think of two things that have happened the past school year (since Sept).

Incident one was that the other girl took something off her sister who is a year younger. She then lost it and tried to share the blame with some of the other girls who were with her (my daughter included) 'we were all playing with X's thing, so we all lost it' etc. I didnt think much at the time but perhaps shes went home and told her Mum that my daughter lost it instead?

The second thing is that there was a sports competition at school. My daughter has a non branded cardigan and this other girl has a one with a logo on. The teacher asked them to swap as my daughter was competing and so all the children from her school would have school logo cardis on. The other girl agreed initially and my daughter went to the competition, but then the other girl didnt want to wear my daughters cardigan at lunch and so was cold. I completely agree this was a stupid thing of the school to do (to swap their cardigans without asking the parents). The next day the mother came up to me and asked my why my daughter had taken her daughters cardigan. My daughter explained to her that the teacher had asked them to do it (and her daughter backed up the story) but the mother hasnt spoken to me since :-/

If I'm honest i have noticed that she doesn't stand with me in the playground anymore and hasn't for a while... but I have little to no interaction with her outside of school so I cant have done anything.

For the minute I have asked her to try to find someone else to play with over lunch and break, but her and this girl have quite a number of common lunch time and after school clubs so it will be difficult.

What should I do?

I would see the teacher, not the mum.

I would make sure - in the nicest way possible - that the teacher understood that his/her decision to get the girls to swap cardigans had made the other mum think my DD stole her child's cardigan. I would ask him/her to clear that one up with the other Mum if possible.

I would be right pissed off if I went to the trouble to pay over the odds for a logo-ed cardie and then it got given to someone else for an afternoon. Bloody cheek! I am not surprised she's cross. But she is cross at the wrong person and it needs to be sorted out.

To be fair if either of my 2 come home complaining about another child if it's pretty minor I usually say " just keep away from each other"
Could it be something like that?

Urgh she’s come home today saying ‘I have to do what X’s daddy says. He says I’m not allowed to play with X anymore, but we sneakily played together anyway’

Think I will speak to the teacher tomorrow as I don’t want her scared of one of the other dads or the consequences of ‘disobeying’ him. The family are a very well known ‘name’ and the dad was a shit at school when we were young so I am wary of him.

It’s all so annoying!

The parents sound like idiots. This is exactly why parents aren’t allowed to tell their children who to and who not to play with. Perhaps the parents think they have a good reason but it doesn’t sounds like it and it then becomes parent on child bullying. In later years, this breeds cliques especially in girls and by encouraging their child to be like this, at some stage, odds on their child will be on the receiving end of bullying from a clique. The schools don’t want you to take matters in your own hands when things happen on school property because it causes all manner of issues.

If a child is upset or being bullied by another child, it is much better to go and see the teacher so that the parents and the teacher can tell the child together that it’s ok not to play with a child if they are being mean or hitting etc.

If a child is being told by their parents they can’t play at school with your child, it is also appropriate to address it with the teacher so that both your child and the other child knows they can’t be forced to do things against their will. The teacher can then talk to the children and try to resolve any issues or friction. It sounds as if this little girl is as much a victim as yours.

My dd has had ongoing issues with a friend. It’s been going on a couple of years. We’ve told dd to ignore some of her behaviour because it stems from self esteem because she’s adopted and parents are divorced, dad lives with new partner. But now her behaviour has escalated from silly words to real nastiness.

I wrote to the teacher a month ago as the girl punched her in the face - the child said she didn’t mean to hit her so hard as her lip was cut and it was in play and then stole her food and stamped on it a couple of days later. The teacher tried to resolve it as dd hadn’t told a teacher. Now dd came home yesterday. The girl told dd her stepmother was going to come and kill me and dd would never see me again. Dd was beside herself upset because it’s a reality to her that I may die. I have ME, which is life threatening. Dh and I have spoken to dd about not having to play with her if she is being mean to dd. I think eventually they’ll stop being friends. I will also be writing to School because the teacher needs to know how unacceptable this kind of comment is to my dd.

School policies of inclusion aren’t there to ensure children have to play with their bullies. And at dds School at least, the teachers are on board with certain children not playing with other children for their protection. But it has to be discussed with the School so they are aware of the issues. How else can we expect schools to protect our children?

I would speak to the teacher given your latest update so she is aware of what is going on as it sounds like there is the potential for things to escalate and he or she can't deal with it if they don't know what is going on.

Other than that I would do nothing. If there is a real issue with the girls behaviour then at least the teacher is aware there might be a problem and he or she can keep a closer eye. And the mum doesn't sound like someone who would be receptive to an approach from you.

Its sad for he kids thpugh

The other mother sounds ridiculous and overly invested in her child's interactions. If there is a genuine problem she should speak to the teacher.

I once had a facebook message from one of dds friends mums..

'As you are probably aware, A and B keep arguing so I've told A not to play with B'.

They were 4 . I didn't bother replying.

I’ve had similar happen with my DD2 (5, year 1 now). She has a friend she plays with a lot at school, but they’re both very feisty girls and they have a kind of power struggle going on with other friends in the class.

When they were in reception, DD2 was a couple of times accused of hitting this friend. One of the incidents was accidental and the school accepted that, after I’d managed to get her to talk about it (she refused to talk to the teacher).

Anyway, this girl does talk to me and she told me that she wasn’t allowed to play with DD2. The mum has been quite negative about me (apparently called me fat which I was at the time). She won’t do play dates at all, despite the fact they’re very close at school, missed DD2’s party with an excuse that clearly wasn’t genuine.

But they do still play together. So I’ve stopped trying to resolve it, DD2 has other friends thankfully. I think it will resolve itself, getting involved doesn’t always change anything.

You would not believe how many times iv heard parents telling their children not to play with certain children (sometimes for pathetic reasons). Seems to be some ridiculous parent fall back that some parents use.

Then the kids try to play with forbidden friend in secret. It's madness.

I talk to my kids about what's a good friend and if someones not making u feel good then they need to decide if they want to play with them. Schools uses nspcc programme which is awesome for helping kids learn to navigate friendships

The school were out of order over the
cardigan. I presume your daughter was chosen to compete but her friend wasn't? And then her friend was persuaded to give your daughter her cardigan? I'm quite a well adjusted parent but if I was friend's mum that would have annoyed me - not enough to try to terminate the friendship - but I'd still be annoyed.

And what's wrong with the non branded uniform? School are basically saying that her uniform isn't good enough

As a teacher there is no way I’d be able to stop x and y playing together at break, and nor would I have any interest in doing so.

What a load of nonsense.

As my DC get older, I see their friends turning into mini-me versions of their parents, so in the long run you might be grateful that your DD and her friend have had their friendship destroyed by the other mum. Get the drama out of the way while they're young

No my child wasn’t chosen to do the competition (it was cross country and not many wanted to do it). They wanted all the kids in logo cardis as other schools were competing and (I assume) they wanted the kids all uniform. The logo cardis are shit quality and a funny fit so that’s why my daughter has a non branded one. That’s by the by.

I was going to leave it but I won’t have another dad making my child worried about playing when (it seems) his child wants to play after all. DD still doesn’t know why she’s being told she’s not allowed to play. And the message from her wasn’t ‘I am not allowed to play with you (my dad)’ it was ‘my dad says you’re not allowed to play with me’ and that’s where the line has been crossed.

I can’t believe that story about a fb message! For 4 year olds! I’m half expecting one now!

Couldn’t grab the teacher this morning but will speak tomorrow morning with her. She’s pretty no-nonsense (which I like) so she will probably be okay about it.

I meant dd not dad in that first quote!

I had the same thing when my dd was 2 1/2. Another mother sent a text to my friend saying she’d meet up with her as long as my dd wasn’t present. My friend and I were about this one. My dd was a normal little girl but this woman took a dislike to her. My friend and I have no idea why as dd behaved totally normally. She’s always been very kind. Some parents are bonkers.

I do agree that kids become mini mes. Dd got very poor treatment from one mum of a girl, who was absolute besties with dd when she was 5 and in yr1. Her dds are becoming nastier and nastier. So lucky escape.