School Mum has asked her child to not play with mine?

[poopsqueak]

My DD has come home from school a bit upset.

She says one of her very close friends has been told by her mother not to play with my child.

My daughter asked me to go speak with the teacher today and I said I thought it was maybe better if she dealt with the issue between her and her friend. I then saw my daughter go over to this girl in the playground before school started and this girl looked at her Mum (for permission I guess) before interacting with my daughter and the Mum shook her head and walked away. it was really sad tbh and I felt really crap for my DD.

AFAIK they have not fallen out, had any physical altercation, or had words of any sort. I asked my DD why she thought this had happened and she says she doesn't know.

I can think of two things that have happened the past school year (since Sept).

Incident one was that the other girl took something off her sister who is a year younger. She then lost it and tried to share the blame with some of the other girls who were with her (my daughter included) 'we were all playing with X's thing, so we all lost it' etc. I didnt think much at the time but perhaps shes went home and told her Mum that my daughter lost it instead?

The second thing is that there was a sports competition at school. My daughter has a non branded cardigan and this other girl has a one with a logo on. The teacher asked them to swap as my daughter was competing and so all the children from her school would have school logo cardis on. The other girl agreed initially and my daughter went to the competition, but then the other girl didnt want to wear my daughters cardigan at lunch and so was cold. I completely agree this was a stupid thing of the school to do (to swap their cardigans without asking the parents). The next day the mother came up to me and asked my why my daughter had taken her daughters cardigan. My daughter explained to her that the teacher had asked them to do it (and her daughter backed up the story) but the mother hasnt spoken to me since :-/

If I'm honest i have noticed that she doesn't stand with me in the playground anymore and hasn't for a while... but I have little to no interaction with her outside of school so I cant have done anything.

For the minute I have asked her to try to find someone else to play with over lunch and break, but her and this girl have quite a number of common lunch time and after school clubs so it will be difficult.

What should I do?

Speak to the school. They should be aware of a parent saying this. It is adult on child bullying. A parent is not allowed to tell their child who they are or are not allowed to play with on school property. The school is in loco parentis. I know this having spoken to a teacher a few years ago about a mother ostracising another child. And mine, I suspect but didn’t have proof.

There are two sides to every story. It sounds as though there is missing information here.

ive told my child not to play with a certain child when something happenend and the other child was being nasty verbally and leaving my child out with his friendship group

i make no apologies and if the mother had asked me i would of told her

I think the fact your DD wants you to talk to the teacher says a lot...I agree get the girls to try and sort it out but when that doesn't work it is worth talking to the teachers.

I find if it goes on in school talk to teachers if it happens out of school parents.

I also agree with the getting a wider circle of friends. It helps when they do fall out , which does happen with all of them usually over nothing.

OP I wouldn't be so sure your dd will be able to play with her friend in school - when I asked my ds's school to keep an eye on things they kept him and his tormentor apart as much as possible, so if I was you I really would ask the mum in a non-confrontational way what is going on. It really would be better if your dd wasn't having to deal with this at all, and maybe it is a silly misunderstanding that both your dcs (and maybe the adults as well) can learn from. As your dd is only 6, it would really be better to clear it up now rather than have years of confusion etc

I don't know what you would expect to achieve by confronting no matter how nicely done. All that would do, for me, is reinforce exactly why I didn't want my child playing with yours. And there are a myriad of reasons why I have disliked some friendships my children have made, right through from mother with personality disorders, children who are needy/domineering/possessive and some freindships are just not healthy for eaitehr child - you may think your child is marvellous but let me assure you from the outside looking in, no he/she isnt - and neither were mine.

A parent is not allowed to tell their child who they are or are not allowed to play with on school property. Please point me to the legislation that covers this please.

Probably best to steer clear anyway. The mum sounds a bit mental.

Soup
That is what the teacher told me. He was a senior teacher. I have no reason to doubt this. In the same way as you legally cannot take your child out of swimming lessons for example. The school is in loco parentis.

In the same way as you legally cannot take your child out of swimming lessons for example

Again I'd like to see the legislation for this. All the curriculum states is that a child should be able to swim 25 metres.

From someone who has just had a nightmare with this, please don't talk to the parents. My dd (9) had a best friend since reception, at the end of yr 3 the girl started pulling away (possibly because my daughter was being clingy and possessive - I asked the parents and they couldn't or wouldn't say what was bothering their daughter). This escalated to something called relational aggression, where sometimes this girl would allow mine to play, and sometimes she'd tell everyone else not to play. Long story short, I tried to sort it with the parents as this girl had spent a lot of happy times at my house, including sleepovers and I took her to a lot of after school clubs (bit of a mug there). The parents decided their child was innocent and my child was evil, and refused to discuss it, just telling their child not to ever play with mine again. I have no idea what was said, but this girl, who was practically one of the family, now blanks me, as does her mum and dad. They also blank my OH. I've spent a lot of time with the school trying to sort things out, but to no avail.

I absolutely think my daughter was doing things that were upsetting the other girl, but the other girl was also being very mean (she is a queen bee). I went in with the attitude that it was 50/50, they refused to entertain the idea that their daughter could be in the least culpable.

My motto now is never talk to the parents, however friendly (these were people I'd socialised with). always go to the school and let them sort it out.

People often can't handle any criticism of their children.

Soup I’m sorry but that is nonsense.

Sometimes children don’t want to play with certain children (bossy or needy ones usually) and need help with expressing this. I give my children phrases they can use eg

I’d like to play with you but I’d also like to play with x & y so if you want to play together that’s fine. (To a possessive child)

I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong so I’m going to go now (to a child who used tears and sulking to manipulate friends)

Etc

soup
That’s what i found out when I wanted to take my dd out of swimming. I wasn’t allowed legally. I had to get a dr note. Can’t find the legislation. But a quote from a head here stating parents cannot withdraw their child

I think parents often don’t understand the school rules supercede their own rules.

Swimming is part of the curriculum, so you do have to have a good reason to ask for withdrawal. That's completely different to who your child plays with, though

Like a PP, I've been on the other end of this. DD(7) had a spate of coming home upset because another girl had upset her, stopped her playing with her other friends etc etc. I told DD she had the absolute right to not play with the other child, but to make a choice - friends or not friends - and stick to it, so as to be fair and clear with the other child.

There's likely a back story that you may not be aware of. You are only hearing one side of things, the other mum is only hearing another side of things and the truth is likely in the middle.

Talk to the other mum, if you're concerned, and ask what's happening. If she's a reasonable, normal person, she'll be happy to explain, as I would have been. If not, well, you probably don't want to encourage the friendship anyway.

Whatever you do, though, don't assume the issue is the other parent being a bully, and email the school to that effect. I can tell you from personal experience that that will result in the other child being told never to speak to yours again, particularly if that's followed up by a campaign of passive aggressive notes via the kids and your child getting the older children to put pressure on the other child!

justhope I think you are right - she (the other girl) is a bit sensitive and from the incident where her sisters thing got lost I think maybe shes told her Mum that my DD lost it. My DD definitely didn't as she came home and told me the story as if she couldn't understand why the other girl wanted to share the blame and didn't just own up to it.

I'll see what has happened when we get home. Luckily my partner's called and said some other mums stopped him in the school yard and invited him trick or treating with some other kids (and my DD of course!) so its nice to know some other friends are still around.

I'd do nothing, but as a side note If I were the other mum I'd be absolutely furious with the school over the cardigan thing, If it had of been lost it would of been her child left without anything!

Cotswold
There was quite a scandal at dds School a few years ago with mothers screaming at eachother and then banning their children from talking to one another. The school ended up moving one of the children to the other class due to the appalling behaviour of the women. They did this to protect the children, not because they were adhering to the parents wishes.

A parent cannot tell their child what they are and aren’t allowed to do on School property. Schools have rules and policies of inclusion. If a parent has reason for their child not to play with another child, they can meet with the teacher to discuss and agree this. If agreed, then yes, the children can be kept separate. They would then not be placed with the other child for group or pair work.

I'd mention it to the teacher and leave it alone with the mum.

If have been cross with the teacher though re the cardigan thing. I buy logo items for my child, they are not there to supplement the children whose parents don't.

I think you're right not to directly approach the mum. Rightly or wrongly, she's the parent and her decisions shouldn't be undermined in the playground in front of the kids.
I had this once where DS and one boy were bad news when together, they just seemed to bring out the worst in each other. Also, the other boy kept asking if mine had ever seen photos of naked women before (which his mum found hilarious as he has access to rude photos on her FB!!). In the end I said I'd rather he didn't mix with him anymore, although I meant more on the street after school than in the school. Then I got a foul mouthed phone call from the mum who had taken it personally. I was polite but unapologetic.

OP, you (and some posters here) seem to be heaping the blame on the other child and her mother - you really don't know what exactly has happened and I think it is totally passive aggressive and unhelpful for your child to not just try to nip it in the bud and ask the other mother if something happened between the two children. Just say it in a totally neutral way, and then you'll have your answer and can proceed from there. Hard to know who are the adults and who are the children in some of these stories - just ask the mum 'did something happen between the girls, they are acting a bit strangely around one another' and that's that, you'll know where you stand. All the hand-wringing and going to Mumsnet for an answer is so ridiculous!

A parent is not allowed to tell their child who they are or are not allowed to play with on school property.

I'm allowed to tell my child what I like.
Got sick of seeing quiet, gentle children like mine being pushed towards the bullies, who had found themselves with no friends. All children are wee bams sometimes, they work that out amongst themselves.

Sometimes kids need help in saying no. No, don't hit me. No, don't touch me like that. No, don't take my pencil case. And as a parent, you have to support your child, when the teacher is saying "Play nice with X" but X doesn't play nice, the child needs to hear someone in authority say "Leave him well alone". It's what the child wants to do, but may not have the confidence to do.

Might not be the OP's situation. But, bollocks to "not allowed" to tell my child something. Load of shite.

I agree Orlando DD came home from school once and broke down sobbing because this girl was being mean to her. If she tried not to play with her the girl would cry and threaten to tell the teacher. DD was terrified of breaking the schools golden rules about friendship and kindness so she put up with this girls crap for months. The relief on her face when I said that she absolutely did not have to play with anyone that was being mean to her and that I would back her 100% if there were any repercussions at school.

I think schools need to be careful where well meaning messages are taken quite literally by kids that do not want to get in trouble. It should be clear that while you have to work and get along in the classroom you do not have to play with anyone who is being horrible to you.

I am not laying all the blame on the other mother and child, I know my child may have done something that she can't remember or isn't telling me. I just wondered if anyone in a similar situation has advice. Isn't that what Mumsnet is for?

Interestingly another Mum on the Trick or Treating trip last night said her child had been told the same by their DD (that she is now not to play with this other girl). I feel quite sorry for the other little girl now as the three of them were quite close friends and as I have said before she is quite a sensitive type.

I’ve told my child to stay away from another child who hurts her constantly She’s six. Was even pushed down th stairs at school by him.

When I was a primary school, my mum realised that confirmations were taking place in our parish church, which was very unusual. I was due to be confirmed the following year, but my mum applied for some special permission for me to be confirmed a year early, in our parish church. One of the other mums found our about this and took a massive huff with my mum, as she thought my mum should have applied for her daughter yo be confirmed early as well as me. My mum and this woman were nor friends particularly beforehand, but the other mum phoned my mum and made her feelings very clear. That was about 1977, and this woman still completely blanks my mum in the village and crosses the road to avoid her. Keep out of it OP!