Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect an apology?

59 replies

ProfessorCat · 30/10/2017 17:39

I was out for the day today with my parents and DD. I'm disabled and use an electric wheelchair.

I have incontinence issues and the need to use the toilet can come on very quickly.

I zoomed over to the disabled toilet and the door wasn't locked but was closed. I went to open it but it was pulled back sharply from inside and I heard a lot of giggling from children. Then I heard someone say "let's turn all the taps on and use up the soap".

I didn't really know what to do as there could have been an adult in the toilet with the children, or a disabled child, so I just sort of sat there for a minute or so until the door opened a crack and a face peered out then closed it again, to more giggling. My DD came out of the ladies at this point and asked me why I hadn't been to the toilet yet. I said loudly that I had to wait for the disabled toilet as someone seemed to be using it.

The door then opened wide and four children were in there. They were between approximately 9 and 3 (obviously can't be too sure!). The little one was throwing toilet paper into the toilet, two middle ones were bundling hand towels into the sink and older one was looking very sheepish.

At this point the parent/carer who could see into the toilets from her seat in the coffee shop came reluctantly over and asked the children if they had finished yet.

I fully expected her to be mortified that her children were destroying a disabled toilet. To have at least disciplined them and apologised to me for them keeping me waiting outside. Nope, she didn't look twice at me, walked back to her coffee and cake, didn't attempt to clean up the horrific mess her children had made and I had to go in because the other toilets weren't accessible for my chair.

I had to flush the toilet multiple times before I could use it, clean the hand towels from the sink so I could wash my hands and by this time I had wet myself.

I am aware that I have to wait to use a toilet if a disabled person is already using it, and could have wet myself anyway but this was completely preventable, the children were not being supervised and she didn't attempt to apologise.

I was left embarrassed and upset.

To top it all off, as I was leaving the coffee shop and was actually halfway through the door frame, one of the children said "excuse me" and tried to climb over my moving chair as I was going through the door!

OP posts:
Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 30/10/2017 18:33

If she was abusive I have turned around and said no wonder your children behave the way they do with you as an example.

Butterymuffin · 30/10/2017 18:36

That's awful. If I saw kids doing that I would have gone and asked what they were doing and spoken to their parent (I don't mind being confrontational though). Sorry you had to endure that because people don't parent properly. It isn't kids being kids because I know plenty who would never do this. Unfortunately you encountered some of the badly behaved ones today.

Unicorn81 · 30/10/2017 18:37

So sorry this happened to you. Kids can be little shits but the adult should have at least apologised,or cleaned it for you. I understand why you wouldnt want confrontation and draw attention to the situation. Panic attacks are no joke, my partner has often had to drop everything and just return home.

When he had to use a mobility scooter i was shocked at the amount of people that just walked out in front of him

mumofthemonsters808 · 30/10/2017 18:37

Shame on the parent, how rude to not apologise, I would of been fuming.

MotherOfBeagles · 30/10/2017 18:50

That’s absolutely disgusting I’m really sorry you had to deal with this. In future please do say something to a member of staff, i know it’s hard when to say anything directly to the parent but please don’t just clean it up and deal with it alone. A member of staff should be alerted Just incase that behaviour continues or happens again.

I used to work at McDonald’s and once caught a few kids trashing the toilets in a similar style. They knew they were in trouble when I opened the door to them (not the cubicle they were trashing the whole bathroom) and I asked where their parents were and asked them to go back to their tables. Both sets of parents then saw what their kids had done as obviously a member of staff holding the toilet door open and asking them to leave the bathrooms caught their attention. One Mum was absolutely embarrassed and apologised and made her kid help clean up, the other Mum decided to ignore it completely and just let her kid sit down and finish his meal because (as she said to the other Mum) “shes paid to clean”. No chuck, I’m paid to keep the place clean not tidy up after your little darlings trashing the place. I swear the entitlement of some people astonishes me! To be fair the first Mum did apologise for the second Mum as well but that shouldn’t be down to her to do.

GracielaSabrocita · 30/10/2017 18:52

There's little point in confronting the parent. If they had any values then the situation wouldn't have occurred in the first place.

However the management/owners of the coffee shop need to know that this family are vandalising the premises and intimidating vulnerable people. If the coffee shop has no responsibility for the toilets then the council need to know too. You need to include all details, including the child trying to climb over your wheelchair, although you don't necessarily need to tell them about wetting yourself, and you don't need to do it yourself - ask a parent or other family member to call or write to them if you prefer. There's a possibility that this family will use these facilities again so the staff need to be aware of their behaviour.

Other than that, I hope you are able to forget about them soon as they are not worth thinking about! I feel sorry for the children being brought up with no boundaries and being taught that such behaviour is acceptable. The parent(s) are at fault and there is no excuse for such terrible parenting.

LearnAsIgo · 30/10/2017 19:04

What an appalling experience for you. I'm sorry that woman was so appallingly neglectful of the children in her care that it affected you so much. I'm raging on your behalf. No use to you otherwise but you're definitely not being unreasonable. Flowers

Cheeseontoastie · 30/10/2017 19:22

Disgusting behaviour. And I don't blame you for not confronting the parent these people don't care what their kids get up to so wouldn't have got you anywhere. I would be mortified if my children done this (wouldn't be allowed to anyway)

Fruitcorner123 · 30/10/2017 20:16

the other Mum decided to ignore it completely and just let her kid sit down and finish his meal because (as she said to the other Mum) “shes paid to clean”

As a teacher i have encountered this attitude countless times. The students drop their litter on the floor and when they are challenged will take the attitude that there are cleaners who can clear up after them. It shocked me at first but as I am more experienced now i have learnt that there is always an entitled selfish parent responsible for these little darlings. The same parent would object if their child was asked to littter pick or got a detention for their behaviour and probably kick up a fuss. There's little hope for children with parents like that.

Tapandgo · 30/10/2017 20:25

CoraPirbright
Totally agree with you - appalling parenting. Kids being kids doesn't apply though - the majority of kids would never behave like this - and if caught out would be shamefaced.
Your daughter should have said something - certainly go staff in charge.

Tapandgo · 30/10/2017 20:26

'to' staff

rumbelina · 30/10/2017 20:30

Also fucking appalling is seeing 'why didn't you....' in response to the OP. FFS.

YANBU OP. That woman should have apologised profusely!

ferntwist · 30/10/2017 20:34

What a terrible thing to happen to you. That is awful and their parent should have been ashamed. Dreadful.

Original poster
ProfessorCat · 30/10/2017 20:42

DD is only 8! I couldn't expect her to go and confront an adult about their children.

OP posts:
Original poster
ProfessorCat · 30/10/2017 20:42

9, not 8.

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 30/10/2017 20:51

Apologies professor.
I totally misread your post and thought that your daughter was an adult

Tapandgo · 30/10/2017 20:53

I thought your daughter was an adult too - sorry.

Santawontbelong · 30/10/2017 20:54

Maybe pulled the red cord and shamed the family to a member of staff?

Otterturk · 30/10/2017 22:18

YANBU at all but I do find that on MN there are many who complain of being debilitated by anxiety in a way that just isn't conducive to getting through life.

GracielaSabrocita · 30/10/2017 22:23

Huh? If you have something to say about the OP then say it, Otterturk. If you're solely referring to other posters on other threads then that's inappropriate. Imo.

Otterturk · 30/10/2017 22:26

I think that claiming you can't do anything, stand up for yourself etc because of anxiety is often used on here. I say this as someone who is medicated for anxiety.

As I said before, the OP isn't unreasonable at all and it sounds horrendous.

Passmethecrisps · 30/10/2017 22:31

It irritates me that the response to do many threads like this is “why didn’t you say anything?”

Is that not obvious? Embarrassment, anxiety, fear, shock and so on. Why make someone feel worse by insitinuating that they are at fault?

This was a hideous situation for the OP who as she was embarrased and upset by having wet herself was less than inclined to tackle a parent.

MollyHuaCha · 30/10/2017 22:40

Sorry you had to suffer that horrible experience OP. Cake

Jux · 30/10/2017 23:02

I’d have reported it as soon as I could, but if I was sure that the kids were pissing about, as they were - giggles, everything you heard through the door, and saw when it opened a crack - I’d have opened the door, ensured none were still using the loo and told them sharply to get out while giving a lecture that they shouldn’t be using the disabled loo in the first place.

Original poster
ProfessorCat · 31/10/2017 07:46

@Otterturk

What a horrible thing to say.

I have severe health anxiety brought on my my illnesses and disabilities and severe PTSD, both of which I am having extensive support for from a specialist mental health hospital and integrated psychological support services. This has recently turned into agoraphobia and fear of confrontation.

Yesterday was the first time I had been out of my house since last March. It was a hard enough experience as it was, without having to confront someone.

I can assure you my anxiety is not an excuse not to do things. It's a very real and serious condition that stops me from living most aspects of my previously wonderful life.

Just shaking my head.

OP posts: