WWYD: DF secret wedding...

[LucyAutumn]

Hi all,

Feeling very anxious/ stressed atm because my DF is due to marry his partner (who he's been with now for nearly 20 years), in secret, at the end of this week.

There will be a handful of close family and friends in attendance but the wedding is being kept small and private mainly from and due to my DM.

The background is that DF became close to his current partner during the breakdown of his marriage to my DM and although there wasn't any cheating at the time (and it took many years for them to finally become a couple) my DM has always been very sore about this and convinced herself that this was the cause of her divorce as opposed to the reality.
-I won't go into details on why my parents separated because it is irrelevant to my question but it truly was internal issues and not expedited by anything/one external.

This was always a big issue as I grew up because my DM spread the story round that my DF had cheated, physically attacked his partner at one stage, became enraged if I'd spoken so much as a word with her and really clearly expected me and those close to her to be on her side; being civil and nice to DF's partner for example would be seen as a great betrayal.

This is where and how the secret keeping started.

Fast forward to now: my DM is more accepting of the situation but still struggles and has recently admitted that this is because she is jealous.
I got married a few years ago and whilst we were all worried how things were going to pan out, my DM behaved impeccably well.

To add to things, I have recently had a baby and, although I live quite far away, my DM has been really lovely and come to help for a week after my DH's paternity leave ended and once a week ever since.
I feel as though we have become quite close during this time and subsequently am feeling guilty and nervous about keeping the upcoming nuptials a secret.

My DF is planning on telling her during one of their regular catch-ups next week and believes the build up to the day will cause my DM unnecessary stress and anxiety so has specifically asked us all to keep quiet until then.

I obviously will do as he wishes because it is his day and I think he is right about the build up being stressful for her. But I can't help feeling guilty and dreading her finding out as I know she will see it as a betrayal that I did not warn her, especially as we see each other every week. I think she will also be upset that I've travelled back home (right by her doorstep almost) with the baby incognito.

So my question is do you think I'm doing the right thing by keeping quiet and WWYD/ how would you deal with this when the proverbial shit hits the fan?

Maybe he is scared of the woman?

That’s helpful info OP and does clarify somewhat. Sounds like everyone is tiptoeing round your DM and making her the focus of this. Although she has no right to know as such, she is going to find out and so probably better sooner than later. Holding back this news is just creating more of a drama than there needs to be. For different reasons now I see the full picture, I say don’t collude in secrecy, get it out in the open and disengage with the situation.

Disengage from

A wedding is a legal ceremony - it is not a 'secret' thing . You need to put your mum in the picture

It's not your secret to tell.

Your mum is a twat, then. Honestly, keep out of it as much as you can - don't tell her anything. It's her own fault: she can't behave like an adult so she won't get treated as one.

I don't think this is your secret to tell. I understand it's tricky, but I think you need to keep out of this and leave your dad to deal with it in his own way, right or wrong.

I really feel absolute honesty is the only way to go OP. I grew up with a mentally ill parent too so I know where you're coming from but she has made it this far without killing herself so I would put that (or the threat of it) out of your mind.

It doesn't ultimately matter whose fault the marriage split was - it's nothing to do with you either way. And keeping secrets always causes more problems than it solves in my experience, unless you can guarantee that it will remain secret until the end of time... which of course you can't.

Mentally ill or not I think you should give your mum the chance to not cause a scene and tell her. Maybe don't tell her where or exactly when though . Tell your dad the dishonesty was making you very anxious and you wanted to enjoy his wedding and happiness properly without all that hanging over you.

These sound just like my PIL OP, I completely sympathise. I can see your predicament about your DM but really she will probably be more upset about everybody else knowing and keeping secrets from her rather than being upset about the wedding itself. Could you also speak to your mums DP to preempt any dramas?

Yep you this op they really don’t deserve the head space you are having to give this.

I feel really sorry for you but equally I wouldn’t be keeping any secrets

I know it isn't quite the some thing, but my sister got married in secret and told my mother (who wasn't invited either) not to tell me about it in case I tried to ruin it for her. I've no idea why, because I couldn't have cared less and I have no form for drama. However, the secret keeping has damaged what relationship we had and I don't think it will ever be repaired.
Could you talk to your mother's partner and enlist his help? I think she needs some time to get used to the idea rather than being presented with a fair accompli. Also, being told face to face by your father is likely to be harder for her and more of a shock, so a dramatic reaction is more likely. It's obviously going to be tricky to handle, but the feeling of being excluded from a secret like that will do huge harm. Obviously her behaviour hasn't always been ideal, but I can't see your father's way ending well at all and given your recently improved relationship I do think it's worth trying to break it to her gently, with her partner's help.

You’re being put in a really nasty position - either way you really hurt one parent. How sad and stressful for you.

I would call your father and tell him what a tricky situation this is and that you need to tell your mum. It’s a real slap in the face and really humiliating for her if she finds out after it takes place. If he wanted secrecy he shouldn’t have involved her daughter.

The chances are that her knowing won’t ruin their wedding day but it will almost certainly put a rift in your relationship with your mum.

Good luck, this is a really horrid position to be in.