WWYD: DF secret wedding...

[LucyAutumn]

Hi all,

Feeling very anxious/ stressed atm because my DF is due to marry his partner (who he's been with now for nearly 20 years), in secret, at the end of this week.

There will be a handful of close family and friends in attendance but the wedding is being kept small and private mainly from and due to my DM.

The background is that DF became close to his current partner during the breakdown of his marriage to my DM and although there wasn't any cheating at the time (and it took many years for them to finally become a couple) my DM has always been very sore about this and convinced herself that this was the cause of her divorce as opposed to the reality.
-I won't go into details on why my parents separated because it is irrelevant to my question but it truly was internal issues and not expedited by anything/one external.

This was always a big issue as I grew up because my DM spread the story round that my DF had cheated, physically attacked his partner at one stage, became enraged if I'd spoken so much as a word with her and really clearly expected me and those close to her to be on her side; being civil and nice to DF's partner for example would be seen as a great betrayal.

This is where and how the secret keeping started.

Fast forward to now: my DM is more accepting of the situation but still struggles and has recently admitted that this is because she is jealous.
I got married a few years ago and whilst we were all worried how things were going to pan out, my DM behaved impeccably well.

To add to things, I have recently had a baby and, although I live quite far away, my DM has been really lovely and come to help for a week after my DH's paternity leave ended and once a week ever since.
I feel as though we have become quite close during this time and subsequently am feeling guilty and nervous about keeping the upcoming nuptials a secret.

My DF is planning on telling her during one of their regular catch-ups next week and believes the build up to the day will cause my DM unnecessary stress and anxiety so has specifically asked us all to keep quiet until then.

I obviously will do as he wishes because it is his day and I think he is right about the build up being stressful for her. But I can't help feeling guilty and dreading her finding out as I know she will see it as a betrayal that I did not warn her, especially as we see each other every week. I think she will also be upset that I've travelled back home (right by her doorstep almost) with the baby incognito.

So my question is do you think I'm doing the right thing by keeping quiet and WWYD/ how would you deal with this when the proverbial shit hits the fan?

[grannytomine]

I agree with BenLui, it isn't any of her business. After 20 years she has no need to be involved in his life, it would probably be better for her if she could move on. The regular catch ups won't help with moving on. People I know who seem to have coped well seem to go through a period of no contact or just contact re children and then years later have a more friendly/relaxed relationship with the bitterness/jealousy well and truly gone. I don't know if that is common but just what I have seen.

I feel sorry for your mum but your dad is entitled to his own life.

[Viviennemary]

Just seen that he is planning to tell her. He should do so immediately and stop putting you in this difficult position as it's obviously worrying you.

[jeaux90]

20 years!!! Firstly your father should perhaps get better boundaries with your mum and stop the regular catch ups. Secondly unless there is a concern your mother is going to turn up and cause a fuss then you shouldn't really have to keep a secret. Thirdly, your mother needs to move on, big time.

Seriously this situation is odd and dysfunctional.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Goodness me. It’s been 20 years. Your father should not have to consider your mother’s feelings and be free to marry whom he chooses when he chooses. Why is he pandering to her? And why is your dd getting you involved? Now that it’s been said to you, it can’t be unsaid.

She sounds like a massive drama queen, who hasn’t yet grown up. Poor you. Either way, you are going to be accused of colluding or favouritism. It’s real loose loose. Parents shouldn’t be acting like this.

Idk what I’d do. Probably attend and tell her after the event.

[GinnyWreckin]

I agree with SGB, it’s up to your DM to get a life and not up to you to protect her from reality. It’s also up to you to live your son life and stop thinking of yourself in some triangle with them.

It’s not your responsibility to stand between your parents and side with one or the other.
You have a relationship with your DF and also with your DM.

Your DF doesn’t have to tell his X he’s getting remarried, and your DM doesn’t have to go off on one. Whatever they choose to do has nothing to do with you.

Enjoy the wedding and keep quiet, your parents are both grown ups, and so are you.

Time for you all to move on and drop the betrayal/protection dance.

Concentrate on your own life.

[ChuckysLoveChild]

What @whiskyowl said.

The reason your dad has asked you to keep it quiet is b cause your dm has kicked off on the past and caused problems.

You say he didn’t cheat. Your dm has projected her bitter disappointment and made it everyone else’s problem. That’s not ok. No you shouldn’t have to keep a secret but the reason you’re doing it is because of your dm’s extreme reactions. Do what works for you and don’t feel guilty. She needs to stop her ridiculous drama!

[Pearlsaringer]

I really don’t agree with keeping this a secret from your DM. She may need time to adjust to the idea. It will certainly be damaging to your relationship with her if she knows you have been hiding this from her. It’s unfair that this has become your burden. Also I think your DF’s plan for telling her is ill judged. Lots of good advice upthread, be upfront with your DM about the situation and how it has made you feel. You don’t have to take sides but it is kind to respect her feelings.

Slightly off topic but it sounds like your DM suspects your DF may have had at least an emotional affair with his now partner even if not cheating as such - she might be right. Your DM was obviously very badly hurt by the break up and everyone has their own internal timeline for getting over these things. Some never do. She behaved well at your wedding so give her credit for that.

Really wish you luck with this tough one.

[Theresamayscough]

no I wouldn’t collide with this op and I think the weekly catch ups are utterly ridiculous after 20 years.

Seems to me both your parents are actually enjoying the drama of keeping this situation going or why wouldn’t either of them moved on?

Tell your dad to grow a pair and tell your mum about the wedding as he’s still in such regular contact or detach himself from the weekly meet ups and allow her to move on and not t tell her about his life.

They are both using you as a porn In the drama. Tell them no more.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

I feel for you, but whether your DM finds out now, or later, will make no difference whatsoever, to how she feels, or whether the wedding takes place. I think you have to respect your DFs wishes, and let him handle it, how he chooses. Don't involve yourself.
Your DM has to realise, that you are no longer a child, to be manipulated, and at the end of the day, you are guilty of nothing other, than attending the wedding of your Father.
For most people, time generally heals, somewhat.

[Theresamayscough]

And of course your dd has at least an EA with this woman or whatever would your mum be so bitter years later. And your dad sees her weeklyas he feels guilty/still likes to be wanted by 2 women.

[Theresamayscough]

Dh not dd obviously

[Theresamayscough]

ffs df

[Mookatron]

Your parents have been involving you in THEIR drama for 20 years. I can completely understand why you are feeling stressed and none of it is your fault.

Make it end now. Of course you can't keep a secret like that from your mum and expect your relationship to stay the same. You decide whether to tell your dad you're telling her or just tell her. No need to give her the details or get involved with her reaction. Make it about you not either one of them.

[InvisibleKittenAttack]

I would ask your Dad if he's ok with you telling her just before, when it's really too late for her to cause upset, but not making you keep it from her.

[Justoneme]

Why on earth would your mum need to know? Sorry I just don't get it?

[Dustysparrow]

If this secret is likely to cause huge problems in your relationship with your mum (when she does eventually find out everyone has been hiding this from her) then I think it's unfair to expect you to collude in this. This could cause permanent and irreparable damage for you, between you and your mum - your dad however won't have these repercussions.

I think you need to point out to him very clearly what repercussions there will be for you because he has asked you to keep this secret. Because your mum will find out, when it's all over, and she will feel betrayed (rightly or wrongly).

[Dustysparrow]

And actually, unless she is likely to turn up at the venue and cause a scene (which it doesn't sound like she would), then it will not be saving her any stress at all by keeping it from her, because when she finds out afterwards there will be the added betrayal.

[AgathaF]

Strange situation. I agree with others that your Dad should tell your Mum before the wedding so that his secret doesn't negatively impact on you.
Beyond that though, I think the whole family should be showing your Dad's partner a lot more respect by being open, civil and friendly towards her and not going along with this secret keeping. Poor woman - sidelined for twenty years because your Mum insists on it. That's not right.

[Atenco]

Your parents have been involving you in THEIR drama for 20 years. I can completely understand why you are feeling stressed and none of it is your fault

How dare they both treat you this way!

[Theresamayscough]

why on earth should your mum need to know

Yes but it’s a bit odd to have a weekly catch to with an ex wife and then don’t mention you are getting married that week don’t you think? I mean it is news isn’t it?

[Theresamayscough]

I think your dad has continued to play with and control your poor mums feelings for the last 20 years.

He knows full well how hurt she will be and he’s treating her disgracefully by dipping into her life every week and then getting you all to collude begins her back to cause maximum humiliation and upset to her.

He is treating you, your mum and his fiancée as pawns in hIs game and it’s all about him isn’t it.

You be the woman to tell your dad no. Not happening

[LeakyLittleBoat]

I bloody feel for you OP, I spent more years than I should have in a similar role and in the end i had to take a stand for my own sanity. I told them all to leave me the fuck out of their dramas at the risk of me going NC and them not seeing their grandkids. It caused them all, DM, DF and DB, to fall out with me at the time but eventually we came around and they had learned not to involve me. Tell your DF he has to tell her or you will and going forward tell both of them you are no longer willing to be the repository of confidences that must be kept from the other on the principle it's not your job to act as go-between/piggy in the middle/whipping girl.

[CoyoteCafe]

Tell your DF he has to tell her or you will and going forward tell both of them you are no longer willing to be the repository of confidences that must be kept from the other on the principle it's not your job to act as go-between/piggy in the middle/whipping girl

This. I think that making a stand will bring this nonsense to an end. This is all an nasty little game, but you really can quit the game.

I think it sounds like your father had an affair, but lied and lied and just kept lying, and in the end it made your mother a little nuts. Being continually lied to can mess with a person's sense of reality. I wouldn't be part of lying to her any more, especially on his behalf.

It's time to break out of the role you were put in.

[HappyFeetAgain]

It's 20years now, your dm really needs to get over it and not force anyone into this situation. Your df seems to have her interests in mind which he shouldn't really be doing. He has a right to have a wedding without fear of his ex.

[LucyAutumn]

Hi all,

Thanks so much to everyone for all your replies so far, it's really giving me some much needed clarity.

Just to give a bit of a drip feed (sorry!) because I think some things from my original post have been misunderstood and there are things I left out but can see they might be needed-

My parents 'regular catch-ups' are actually more like 2- 4 times a year and include financial support discussions, themselves as well as me and my siblings (if anything important is coming up e.g. graduations, weddings etc.).
Unfortunately my DM played about with the attention of others which was where the marriage first began to fail- I genuinely witnessed this and am not believing one story over the other.
There is MH involved and not only has my DM attacked my Dad's partner, causing them to be a little nervous she might head to the venue and lord knows what, but there were also a number of instances (growing up) where she threatened suicide. I'm mostly inclined to see this as what they turned out to be- an empty threat- but it's not something I'd like to play devil's advocate with and I'm frightened.
My DM has a BF who she has lived with for over 10 years.

I do see that there is manipulation going on but I'm concerned about the possibility of an extreme reaction and whilst (in many ways) I can take her being angry with me, I don't want her to take it out on my DS by stopping seeing us. Involving him is just starting the circle all over again and I feel like our relationship has come so far