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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is too much effort to look for a relationship?

28 replies

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 29/10/2017 19:44

I am in two minds. I am focusing on being happy single but part of me would like a relationship one day. I find the whole process of dating tedious however and I feel like I have little energy or enthusiasm. When I do date, it's rare that I click with someone.

I think it's too complicated for someone with 3 dc, a full time job, little free time, a house needing repairs etc. If I met someone - lovely, but where do they fit into my life?

It's sad, but I've had too many situations not work out. I'm deliberating between dating and looking for something that will fit into the little free time I have or just forgetting the whole thing!

OP posts:
Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 29/10/2017 20:08

So aibu to think it's all too much effort? Do I give up? Hope can be a v destructive feeling.

OP posts:
Warhammerwidow89 · 29/10/2017 20:10

I gave up then I found someone when I wasn't looking. Focus on you and at the right point you'll meet someone. And it won't seem like effort.

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 29/10/2017 20:15

Everyone says that, but I have no idea how I'd find someone if I wasn't online dating.

OP posts:
Santawontbelong · 29/10/2017 20:16

I met dh in a pub. ...

LemonShark · 29/10/2017 20:17

It's not the mandatory default to date/find someone OP, it's weird that society makes us think that should be the 'normal' and choosing to be single is the alternative. If you're not feeling it then don't, not like you can't start dating again when you fancy it in the future!

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate as a single mum of three already: nothing wrong with focusing on yourself and the kids instead of searching for someone else to add to the mix/dealing with the upheaval.

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 29/10/2017 20:19

There are things I miss about a relationship but I find the whole looking for someone soul destroying.

OP posts:
SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 29/10/2017 20:30

I really don't think I would bother if DH and I ever split up either. I just don't think I'd have the energy.

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 29/10/2017 20:33

I guess I'm struggling to let go of the fact that it's not how I envisaged my life. I had an ex I was with for two years and he used to talk about us buying a house for my dc and his ds and we were all going to be a happy family together. But in the end he fell out of love with me.

It makes me sad, because I would've loved to know someone loved me and wanted to be a family with me. I just think that's vanishingly unlikely now.

OP posts:
LemonShark · 29/10/2017 20:38

I think the vast majority of people are sat thinking 'this isn't really how I envisaged my life', whether romantically, financially, social life, career, family, location, and most importantly health. Not to play down your feelings at all! I just find it kinda helpful to me to remember that as sorted as everyone else looks, most of us are sat wondering how we got here and how it went so wrong in at least some aspects.

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 29/10/2017 20:43

That's true. And not having the headspace for something now, doesn't mean I never will have a relationship either.

OP posts:
WhoWants2Know · 29/10/2017 20:45

I can’t be bothered to look either. For me, a relationship is a nice idea, in the same way that visiting Yellowstone someday is a nice idea—lovely to think about but I don’t feel the need to make reservations anytime soon.

I like my life, I adore my kids and I don’t feel like there’s a man-shaped hole waiting to be filled here.

itsthequietones · 29/10/2017 21:07

Stopping searching doesn't meant that you won't meet anyone special, it just means that you stop doing something that your neither enjoying, or getting results from. That, in itself will gain you extra time to spend doing something far more enjoyable.

I'm sure that when you do meet someone, they'll fit into your life.

I'm certainly not living the life I'd envisaged. I do like it though. I also gave up the search for a relationship quite recently. Maybe one day I'll meet someone special, but right now, I don't feel as though anything is missing. In fact, I realised that I don't have space for a relationship just now, I know that will change in time, there's no rush.

Yes, hope can be destructive if that's what you're focusing on. I think we can all focus on what we think we want or need, rather than seeing what we already have.

Have a break, throw yourself into your life, enjoy your time with your children, rest and see what life looks like with you being the centre of it.

Inkandbone · 29/10/2017 21:08

I think that despite the protestations otherwise being single can be really shit and I wouldn't like if.

But honestly I think you're better off single when you have kids.

Which is a mixed up message, I know.

IrritatedUser1960 · 29/10/2017 21:11

I don't know how old you are but I'm 56 and I totally cannot be bothered any more.
I am not impressed by the standatd of single men my age out there. They are mostly looking for a maid/gardner/sex toy.
I'd sooner have a nice cup of tea.

ihatetosay · 29/10/2017 21:15

i cant be bothered either been single for over 10 years am early 50's now - asked out twice this year after nothing for ages and didnt bother CBA

DaisyRaine90 · 29/10/2017 21:15

I gave up focused on furthering myself and being the best single parent I could be. Then DP got introduced to me and now we are engaged, have a child and own a house together

He’s took my DD on as though she’s his own too.

It will happen when the time is right I know I used to hate people when they said that to me as well

Clueless1315 · 29/10/2017 21:30

I feel the same, I'm early 30s with 2 kids and I cannot be bothered. I don't really go out much and I'm not really into online dating. But I have been letting myself go, so I've decided that I won't look for anyone but I'll put myself together, going out in baggy grey outfits I won't catch anyone's eye. Even if it's just doing my hair nicely.

Everyone keeps asking when I'm going to meet someone, but I'm happy, happy in all aspects, a relationship would be nice but I can wait.

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 29/10/2017 21:46

I'm mid 30s. I think when the kids are older it might get easier. It's a lonely life at times.

OP posts:
ChickenVindaloo2 · 29/10/2017 21:51

I have come to the conclusion that there's no-one left out there good enough for me. Or if there is, I'm not prepared to waste hours gambling on finding him when he's a needle in a haystack.

Not being big-headed but I have a lot to offer - own home, own car, good job. Take care of myself. No baggage/skeletons in the closet (for want of a better description). Most of the "men" I meet in my age group (late early-mid 30s) are still living at home/house share situations/have kids with various exes/drink/smoke/have some other major red flag.

The only thing I miss, genuinely, is sex.

I really think I dodged a bullet by not getting married. (I have never wanted DCs so no loss there).

practically every woman I know in real life and most on here too, say that if they lost their DH or DP, they would just stay single.

May50 · 29/10/2017 22:00

Same situation for me. Work full time, 3 kids, separated a year now, but I'm nearing 50! I don't have time or interest in OLD but do miss having a partner sometimes. No childcare as Ex doesn't have DC overnights , so all too much like hard work. I plan on just working on being happy single, trying to exercise and diet to feel better in myself, ideally would like to date sometimes but probably not live with a partner again.

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 29/10/2017 22:01

I went on a date with a guy and he wants to see me again and I just think...meh

OP posts:
Timefortea99 · 29/10/2017 22:04

I am married, 52. Genuinely would not bother looking for anybody else if I was suddenly not married. Could not be arsed with dating, particularly now in this soulless era. There is more soul looking through an Argos catalogue than online dating. I can see why you find it dispiriting. But, you are considerably younger than me, and I think you should still be hopeful of a relationship but drop the false online dating, at least for a while. Concentrate on you for a while.

QueenLetizia · 29/10/2017 22:06

I hear you.
I have met 20+ men on line. I even liked a few !!! (but they didnt like me back).

I attempted to overlook the mediocrity/stress/roving eyes on a couple of occassions and i ended up dumped for my efforts. 3 times. I dont miss any of them. So it doesnt hurt me now but it was an emotional rollercoaster over 2 years which got me nowhere.

After taking a 10 month break i went back on line a fortnight ago but i cannot summons up any enthusiasm.

AJPTaylor · 30/10/2017 06:06

well im a lot older than you(late 40s)..almost all of my friends/colleagues who were single parents did find new partners but mostly on their 40s when the kids were older (late secondary age) and with partners similar age and with similar age kids. mostly through old.

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 30/10/2017 07:28

That's reassuring. I think I'd find it a lot easier in 5 or 6 years time really. More freedom.

OP posts:
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