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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell friend she's been a CF? Really would like some opinions.

29 replies

Jerseysilkvelour · 29/10/2017 11:46

As I said, really would like some views on how to deal with this...

We are colleagues of five yrs who over the last two or three years have become proper friends (as in we socialise outside work, go to each others houses, speak outside of work etc, meet up with our kids etc).

She was off work for about 3 months at the start of this year with MH issues caused by both work and her life, she was in a bad way and I supported her by checking she was ok each day (she needed that), listening to her when she needed to talk, and helping her negotiate her way back into work (going to meetings with her, met her off the bus the first day back stuff like that).

I now have been off work for a couple of months myself (also MH issues) she knows why as we talked about it in depth the day before I was signed off (GP told me I wasn't well enough to go to work).

She has only been in touch with me once, after I had been off for four weeks, and that was a text message in which she didn't ask how I was but gave me a run down on what's going on in her life. I didn't reply.

Needless to say, I am not impressed. But I am going back to work soon so I'm going to have to deal with her. I really want to tell her she's been a CF and I'm really cross with her......

OP posts:
aaaaargghhhhelpme · 29/10/2017 11:50

Sorry to hear you've not been well Flowers

In all honesty if you have to continue working with her I'd just leave it. Drop her though. She's shown her true colours and she's no friend. She absolutely is a cheeky fucker!

But is it worth the aggro and tension at work? It's up to you. But I'd just forget her. She doesn't Seaver you as a friend

WorraLiberty · 29/10/2017 11:50

It's a tough one because she obviously has her own MH issues to deal with, therefore supporting you might be really difficult right now.

Do you have other support?

MrsExpo · 29/10/2017 11:53

I can see why you're feeling a bit aggrieved by this, after everything you did to support her in similar circumstances. Maybe she's avoided you while you've been off because she didn't want to be reminded about her own issues? Has she fully recovered? You supported her from a position of strength (i.e. ..... you were well yourself at the time), but she would have been supporting you from the position of someone who is, herself, recovering from about of MH.

So, I can see both sides of this one. I would go in on your first day back and tell her you think she's a CF and has taken advantage of your good nature. Rather, I think I'd say that you were disappointed not to have heard more from her while you were off and see what she has to say.

I'm pleased your recovering and feeling better.

PotteringAlong · 29/10/2017 11:55

Hang on, you supported her but you didn't have mental health difficulties at the time. I suspect she just doesn't have it in her to look out for you as well as her at the moment. It doesn't mean she doesn't care.

MrsExpo · 29/10/2017 11:55

Sorry, just re-read this. I meant to say I wouldn't go in and tell her she's a CF .....

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 29/10/2017 11:57

If the friend had contacted the op just once in four weeks saying - how are you or hope you ok I would agree maybe she doesn't have it in her

But for her one contact to be about herself says to me she doesn't register the op

It's not about being a support for the op although that would be nice. It's just about being a friend. I've had acquaintances send me texts saying hope you're well when I've been off for less

Whitecurrants · 29/10/2017 12:01

People with MH issues can appear quite self-absorbed as they may just not have the energy to spend on others (not always the case obviously). I’d see how she is when you go back. Having said that, if she’s taking and not giving anything back then you may not want to continue the friendship as you have to look after yourself too.

thatdearoctopus · 29/10/2017 12:05

Well, I wouldn't call it being a cheeky fucker. It's not great friendship, but hardly cheeky.

KC225 · 29/10/2017 12:05

I don't think CF but I do think maybe your friendship is one sided. As the poster above said 'if you are going to continue working with her' them leave it'. If you feel you have to say something, and these things can eat away at you then broach it along the lines of 'I would have hoped to have had a bit more support from you. Especially as you knew what I was going through' Chances are she'll say what has been posted above etc. Rather than call her out, I think you have to decide whether to scale back or pretend it didn't happen. Hope you are feeling better and stronger OP

Thymeout · 29/10/2017 12:13

I had a bout of depression. Emotional exhaustion from a double bereavement. It wasn't till a couple of years afterwards that I was able to be of any help to someone going through similar difficulties. I was scared of being dragged down again. And I would have been. It was a time I didn't want to dwell on.

Don't be too hard on your friend. Even that one text may have been difficult for her.

On the other hand, if it's always been a one-sided friendship, distance yourself and her loss.

MrsHathaway · 29/10/2017 12:15

I wouldn't call it CF.

Perhaps she doesn't have the resilience to support you - are you sure she's fully recovered herself? She could be protecting herself. She may believe you have enough support from other sources.

Relationships don't have to be symmetrical. If you don't like what you get from her, though, you don't have to continue to be her friend.

Original poster
Jerseysilkvelour · 29/10/2017 12:16

My MH condition is long term and she knows all about it....

OP posts:
Liiinoo · 29/10/2017 12:20

She isnt the friend you would like her to be but I don't think that makes her a CF.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 29/10/2017 12:21

I don't think it's necessary her being a CF, but she does sound thoughtless. At the very least she could have made an effort to ask how you were - and if your MH issues were triggering her, then she could have explained to you that she was taking a step back because of that.

In your shoes I would just distance myself from her, as she doesn't sound like much of a friend. If she wants to be all pally again and asks why you aren't being friendly anymore, then politely tell her that you felt hurt because of her lack of care when you were ill, and that it's made you realise that you need to step back because the friendship was rather one-sided.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/10/2017 12:21

You cannot suppose she is ignoring you and your needs. Much as it hurts, as pps have said, your mh issues may be too difficult for her to deal with.

susiesuesue · 29/10/2017 12:25

I expect that when you supported her, it was because you are a good and kind person and not because you were 'gaining credit' for the next time you needed support.

If she hasn't supported you in the way that you want her to, then deal with that as an issue and possibly reevaluate the friendship. As others have said, i would cut her some slack as she may not have been in the right place to support you. However, do not throw at her the 'i supported you so you should support me' line. That's not the way life should work in my opinion.

Original poster
Jerseysilkvelour · 29/10/2017 12:25

I certainly can't offer her support like I did before, even if I wanted to. I know what she's been through and I do understand some of it is ongoing and things might not be easy

I do have other support, more than she has.

Knowing her (and me!) i do need to say something to her or it will fester. I I I like the idea of just saying I'm disappointed/hurt not to have heard from her - when I think about it, that does sum up my feelings. I don't expect her to have supported me the same as I did her, I know I did a lot for her and I didn't do it expecting anything back either.

Thanks! I think I've a bit of perspective on it now.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 29/10/2017 12:29

Not CF at all. She hasn't taken the piss in any way. She's just not been as supportive to you as you were to her, which is a shame, but maybe she's not capable of it, or just a less nice person, but not a CF. Try not to focus on her shortcomings, over which you have no control, and concentrate on getting yourself well again. Can't see how it would help to cause conflict and upset both of you even more.

elessar · 29/10/2017 12:31

Cheeky fucker isn't the way to describe it, but she has let you down as a friend.

I'd just say to her that you are hurt and disappointed that she didn't make more effort for you when you were so supportive of her. But I wouldn't go in on the attack - it will just put her on the defensive and totally blow up the friendship.

If you approach it gently then it may make her reflect and consider her behaviour. If it doesn't then it just proves she doesn't value you and you should back off the friendship.

ButchyRestingFace · 29/10/2017 12:35

Like most posters, I would assume given her own on going mental health issues, she isn't able to offer you the emotional support you need right now.

That said, in her position, I like to think I'd lay off texting you a blow-by-blow account of the minutae of her life.

NameChangr678 · 29/10/2017 12:39

Quite often people support others in the way they'd like to be supported. I like to be left alone, so I wouldn't check in with someone very often either.

If she has MH issues like depression, it's quite a self-absorbed illness - your life and problems are all you can see and nothing beyond. Don't blame her for that.

MiniTheMinx · 29/10/2017 12:56

Sometimes it happens that people lean on you because you are the person they lean on. It sets up a specific and limited dynamic. It means that they can't simply switch this. I've usually been seen as strong, independent and emotionally very resilient, friends lean on me, they can't Intuit that I might need support. They have put me in a specific role or place. It happens in pairs, it happens in groups of people that people perform certain identities and tasks.

You probably need to find support elsewhere. Few relationships are truly equal with people able to swap roles. It's an ideal rather than a given.

pictish · 29/10/2017 12:59

"She was off work for about 3 months at the start of this year with MH issues caused by both work and her life, she was in a bad way and I supported her by checking she was ok each day (she needed that), listening to her when she needed to talk, and helping her negotiate her way back into work (going to meetings with her, met her off the bus the first day back stuff like that). "

Honestly? While you do sound very kind and giving, you also sound rather over-invested too. You're her friend not her counsellor or escort. Where did you find the time to focus so much on her problems?
Either way it was your choice to do so...and has left you in the position of being resentful about the level of support you're not getting in return.
It could be that she's not capable of giving you what you expect from her at the moment. Maybe she's just a selfish shellfish...I don't know.

I think in future you shouldn't sacrifice so much helping her...it seems like overkill to me. You will only be disappointed when it isn't forthcoming for you. x

Original poster
Jerseysilkvelour · 29/10/2017 13:00

I don't think she's a CF on reflection, that judgement was my haste and crossness coming through, She is who she is and I don't expect her to behave in certain ways.

I'm still hurt she hasn't even asked if I'm ok though, and it will have an effect on our friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jerseysilkvelour · 29/10/2017 13:02

I checked on her every day because she was talking about suicide and she didn't have anyone living with her. I definitely wasn't her counsellor or escort, actually I encouraged and helped her to access that sort of thing.

OP posts:
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