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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want Ex to drive the DC this morning? Involves drunken injury.

65 replies

Endofmyfeckingrope · 28/10/2017 10:00

Ex is due to pick the kids up in an hour. He was at a party at a climbing lab last night and text me this morning to say he climbed somewhere he shouldn't (more like in a state he shouldn't) fell and broke his heel. Spent the night in A+E and has a pot on.

His car is parked outside my house. He still wants to come and take the DC and the car. His argument is that because his car is automatic it's fine. He sounded really hungover on the phone.

The poor DC will have a shit weekend of doing nothing as he is in pain, in a pot and has a hangover.

I've told him he can't take them in the car? Am I right? I'd rather they stayed with me but presume that's me being unreasonable Sad. Should I let him take them in a taxi/on the bus?

He has form for being a selfish, irresponsible wanker who takes for granted that I'll do the lion's share of the childcare, cover his weekends when he fancies a jolly etc so I'm not feeling remotely sympathetic at the moment.

Advice would really help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Endofmyfeckingrope · 28/10/2017 10:31

bluesky I could tell him to do that, come for them this evening once he's had sleep etc? Would that be ok do you think?

I would like some sort of confirmation that he's legally ok to drive though first. Does anyone have any links/info on driving with fresh injuries?

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 28/10/2017 10:35

Blocking access my arse! If I was married in a loving relationship with a great Dad and partner whom the kids adored, I would not be letting my DH attempt to drive off with my kids in the car in these circumstances. Why would anyone?

"I think you're all mean calling him a twat just because he went out, had a drink and injured himself." FFS he's an idiot - we all make mistakes but then not everyone is an entitled twat coming over saying I couldn't keep myself safe because of my behaviour now lets see how the kids fare.

The Ex has provoked this situation, he's being deliberately obstructive - he could have rung and said look this is crap I so wanted to see them today but here it is, any chance maybe a relative could drive them, we just have lunch or something else etc many apologies, see you next time. Or any number of the many things he could have chosen to do or say to sort this out.

Pearlsaringer · 28/10/2017 10:36

Could you drop them at his and pick them up, just this once? Not ideal but it would show you are not blocking access. He absolutely mustn’t drive them anywhere whilst on painkillers. That’s his grown up end of the bargain.

BamburyFuriou3 · 28/10/2017 10:37

The thing is that he's a grown up and their parent, same as you. Its up to him to make the judgment call regardless of if you agree with it. All you can do is make him face consequences of that call - or call 101 or 999 to report him for drink driving as soon as he sets off.

justabouthangingintheretoday · 28/10/2017 10:38

Be brave - no way should he be driving. Taxi yes. Sorry to say, I have let my ex take DS in the car when I know he is over the limit/has no car seat but I was too frightened of him to say no. good luck - you are doing the right thing to put the children first

justabouthangingintheretoday · 28/10/2017 10:39

Or - yes good point - you take children to his and pick them up.

justabouthangingintheretoday · 28/10/2017 10:40

bluesky sorry but unlikely he will be honest (if he is anything like my ex)

DancesWithOtters · 28/10/2017 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LB1982 · 28/10/2017 10:41

I agree he shouldn't drive, as I said earlier. But I still think you're all being extremely cruel and judgmental. None of us know this man. We don't know if he's a Russell Brand (irresponsible) or a Peter Andre (very responsible, loving father who would never put his children's lives at risk). Sorry, couldn't think of any other examples Grin

Ebony69 · 28/10/2017 10:42

I think YABU to cancel the contact altogether. You don't seem to have considered any compromise and have still not answered questions about which leg has been affected.

Flimp · 28/10/2017 10:44

plenty of people look after their children fine when sleep-deprived or hungover. Jeez, half of MN are doing that right now!

You're assuming he'll be on 'strong medication' but he could well just be on the usual paracetamol and ibuprofen. Or even co-codamol with no ill effects.

I have no idea what kind of a shitbag he might be, but the reasons you're giving for refusing access aren't good enough. You're using this to get at him.

SoupDragon · 28/10/2017 10:47

strong medication

Depends if you count paracetamol and ibuprofen as strong. That is all my DS had with a broken bone.

You don't know if he is still too drunk to drive but that is the only issue I can see. I would simply offer to switch weekends or drop the kids off.

BamburyFuriou3 · 28/10/2017 10:48

I'm currently looking after my kids on several nights of about 3 hours sleep, what feels like pneumonia, and I think I'm doing ok. Well cbeebies is anyway Grin

SmileEachDay · 28/10/2017 10:49

Are you sure he was drunk when climbing? Everywhere I’ve ever done it has had really, really strict rules about alcohol use. It’s just not worth the hassle for them in terms of health and safety.

ReanimatedSGB · 28/10/2017 10:51

But given the option of having someone else look after DCs when you are ill/tired/hungover/in pain, most reasonable parents would take it. If this prick was capable of thinking of DCs' wellbeing ahead of his own, he would have rung OP, apologised and asked if he could reschedule.
But, like too many men, he doesn't want to put other people first: it's all about 'winning' and having his own way.

Penfold007 · 28/10/2017 10:58

If the cast is on his left leg then it's up to him to decide if he can drive according to .Gov web site. If he has an accident chances are his insurers will use the broken limb as an excuse to not cover him.
If you really believe he will drive whilst unfit through drink or drugs then you need to speak to the police. Surely there is a compromise though? Maybe you could drive them all to his house and then collect DC tomorrow? If you had a broken foot you will still expect to carry on looking after the DC so why not him?

Flimp · 28/10/2017 10:59

EH? wanting to see his kids is him wanting to win? I'd bloody want to see my kids if they didn't live with me full time, wouldn't you?!

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 28/10/2017 11:01

I don’t see what he’s doing wrong. You have no idea if he’s hungover, you don’t know that he’s on strong painkiller and there’s no problem with diving as he has an automatic. He is a dad who actually wants to see his children, he could have used all the same reasons not to. I mean, if I was hungover and someone else offered to have the kids, I’d jump at it! And yes, I have been hungover In charge of the children, they don’t notice except they get to watch more tv which is fine by them.

Allthewaves · 28/10/2017 11:03

Why don't you drop them over for the day and pick them up before bed tonight. He gets to see the kids then have a nights sleep

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 28/10/2017 11:03

It’s about winning? Hmm or maybe he was looking forward to having the children? Maybe it’s about the OP winning, some women are like that mind.

UrsulaPandress · 28/10/2017 11:03

I was none weight bearing for 6 weeks with a broken heel.

HopefullyAnonymous · 28/10/2017 11:06

Agree they are weak reasons to block access; you have no idea whether he is hungover or what pain relief he's taking. You're just speculating at this point. Sounds like he can't win - if he'd cancelled due to the injury you'd no doubt be annoyed by that too.

Original poster
Endofmyfeckingrope · 28/10/2017 11:07

Thanks for the replies.

Have just spoken to him. He's had 3 hours sleep, swears he isn't hungover as the hours in A+E made him sober up pretty quickly and has only had ibuprofen.

I've told him to go back to bed and I'll drop the DC to him later this evening.

He is full of remorse and apologies now and feels terrible about the stupidity of it and the many and various ways it will negatively impact his life for the next few months. I'm still struggling to feel much sympathy but feel glad we've sorted a plan without any more fighting.

And for whoever asked, yes it was a drink fuelled party in a climbing lab Hmm. Everyone there signed a waiver on entry apparently to absolve the climbing place of any responsibility for accidents etc. Then they got pissed and climbed high climbing walls. One of the most idiotic things I've ever heard of tbh.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/10/2017 11:10

But I still think you're all being extremely cruel and judgmental.

Bit of an overreaction in my opinion. If he's planning on driving when incapable due to booze/injury/medication then he's a selfish twat.

Whilst plenty of people do manage on strong medication that's often for chronic conditions when they're accustomed to the treatment. Even then, some people will aim to drive at the optimum time in terms of drowsiness/pain.

LB1982 · 28/10/2017 11:16

I think everyone calling him a twat is overreacting, you think me calling that out as being cruel and judgmental is overreacting. Hey ho. On the face of it, I feel sorry for the guy.